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Why, why, why?

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

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Why Am I Still Here?

I feel intensely depressed, guilty, lonely, sad, frustrated, and many other things. I feel like it would be better for me to just disappear. More so than ever, I feel very, very alone in the world. Maybe the day of my leaving this world is better than me being alive at this point. If I died today, I could think of five people who would care, everyone else has seemed to forgotten about me or has left me behind for other people and things. Nothing really matters, not even myself. #Depression #MentalHealth #feelinglonely #FeelingEmpty #Feelingsad #feelingaloneandlost #Lostmyjoy #Lostinlonliness #lostinlife #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideIdeation #lowselfesteem #whybother #Guilt #Loneliness #frustration #moods #intenseemotions


The Masks We Wear

Ever since I found this community, the people of "The Mighty", I've started to realize the incredible number of others out there in the world who are just like me. I felt so alone for such a very long time. I felt as if there was no one else anywhere, ever, who had the same thoughts I do, felt the same pain, felt so broken, lost their "joy". And I've come to realize that most of us are quite good with at least one thing - putting on a mask. Except for the few people I feel I can still trust, I've been wearing a mask for years. And I think we all are to some degree. The fact is, when someone asks me "how are you doing?", I can hardly say, "well I lost my joy and I'm afraid I won't ever find it again". I go with the trite - ok, hanging in, SOS. I mask the truth, I mask how I'm really doing. I remember seeing an antidepressant commercial where this woman carries a smiley face on a stick around with her. I can so relate to that now!! We hide behind our mask to almost everyone we come in contact with, because without it, we'd scare the hell out of most people. One of the best things about being here is we don't have to use a mask. We can ask our darkest secret questions, share our fears and tears, look for others like us. And I cannot say enough about how safe that makes me feel. How simply damn GOOD it feels. #Lostmyjoy #Depression #Trust