I don’t know anymore.
So way back in 04, I died. I came back in 05. I was in a coma for 3 months when I had a massive and regular stroke, lung failure and everything that could go wrong.. specialists were too scared to be of any help so I wound up researching everything and advocating for myself while undoing stroke damage, what I could, healing my gut, facing trauma, numerous surgeries, repeated pneumonia, etc. with abusive parents. As caregivers. They’ve spent over 20 years controlling me through narcissistic abuse. I can’t get my basic needs and food. I have MCAS, HEDS, POTS, Audhd, CPTSD, fibromyalgia, RA, Anemia, etc. I spent decades surviving while peers met people and found jobs, making lives for themselves and losing touch with everyone because fun me wasn’t alive. I was too much. I got COVID in 24, that activated mcas and it’s been downhill. All the work I did isn’t suitable for me now. I have to change it all. APS, DRP, CRI, etc., all failed me. I feel I’ve nothing in common with people. I don’t want to accept that this is how I am. I can’t get through to my parents, I don’t get to eat often. I never gave my words or thoughts together for my telehealth visits and I feel terrified of the worst case scenario thanks to my evil parents. I’m embarrassed as well. I have providers but they have not experienced my life and there’s only so much I can take from people where I see patterns immediately informing me that I’m wasting my time. So, what does someone like me do? I guess I’m one in many billion and alone. I’ve tried to connect with others. I truly don’t even know what to do now. Everything scares me and I don’t know I can’t trust or feel compassion as I once did. I don’t like this for myself. This isn’t me. But.. it is.. anyone else? #ADHD #Autism #MastCellActivationDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #Perimenopause #Coma #Anxiety #BrainInjury #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #JointHypermobilitySyndrome #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Abuse
