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Christmas/spiraling with memories after losing everyone this year

I lost so much this year and Christmas is already so triggering. And this is my first year without the one support who has been here for it all, my dog 🍊🐶
I am haunted by images of my storage unit with all of the memories of things I made or did with the people who ended up being so cruel. Of all the memories connected with family and friends.
We are working on a plan to go through those gently ❤️
However, it doesn’t make it easy. It is hard to lose all of that and still be fighting for help and support and basic human decency. Relationships and memories with others really build your life. It feels like I’m losing much of what I had for 37 years.
I guess this is what it feels like to be a complex trauma survivor.
Anyway, specifically I’m dreading the ornaments that were given to me or made for me by kids who have grown up and now hate me because of what their parents have told them (I don’t want to work, I’m taking advantage of the system, I’m lazy, I did this to myself). I have always wanted to have a tree with ornaments of happy memories from the years. I was working on it and have so many. It hurts that these are there and I don’t know what to do with them. I am not sure if I want to keep them or donate them. I don’t need to decide now. Just the thought of the ornaments makes me start sobbing.
I have spent the last several years creating my own traditions with myself but tbh Christmas is just not a holiday I can safely handle alone. I will have flashbacks no matter how many coping skills I use and how much I prepare. That has taken me years and years to admit.
I just want to have more people in my life again. To have people to celebrate with and to laugh with. I know I will. But it’s not happening while I’m experiencing so much trauma.

I’m grateful I have my boyfriend this year. He is respectful about my christmas triggers and my hot and cold relationship with the holiday. I asked him to put lights up. We made gingerbread houses (his was a lot better than mine). I’m going to try to make some cookies. These to me feel like safe Christmas activities that I can actually do (delegate the lights to him).

Has anyone else found ways to make Christmas triggers easier? (Especially without children- not having kids around has been a huge holiday killer. What’s Christmas without seeing the chaos and fun of kids opening gifts? Honestly though)

#MentalHealth #ADHD #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

4 reactions 2 comments

Update: housing and family

(On going)-
So I got an update about housing. I still have no where to go. The housing vouchers open in February and everyone has to sign up at 8:00 am and the voucher applications are marked by milliseconds (this came from the coordinator). There are not enough vouchers to cover the applications so it’s first come first serve.

Since I already went through this process and then lost my housing voucher due to medical malpractice, I know how hard it is to get these and how long it takes to be offered a new one. I’ve been homeless for over 2.5 years despite being disabled and considered a priority.

In the mean time, I need to be out of the place I’m staying by the beginning of January. I’m planning on staying with my boyfriend until vouchers open up.

The problem is that I am afraid to leave when I am there because of my brother’s girlfriend’s controlling behavior (nothing I could get a restraining order about) and the fact that she knows his address. If my boyfriend is with me, I am okay. If he isn’t, I keep my car in his garage because she has been known to drive by. I found out today that she gave the address to my sister, who I went no contact years ago with because she made up things and told my family- now all her kids believe this stuff about their auntie. It was one of my hardest losses to date)

All of this trauma came after I left my abusive ex husband and tried to get help for my cptsd. I did nothing wrong and they have lied and misconstrued and gossiped about my life with such disregard.

##Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #MentalHealth #Disability

4 reactions 1 comment

Potentially good news: medication

Hi friends!

After a years of reluctance, I am switching from Xanax to Ativan and increasing my dose.
I am very aware of the risks of using benzodiazepines which is why I have been hesitant. But my panic attacks are coming in waves that last hours and feel completely unbearable. They are taking over dissociation as my primary symptom (previously my primary symptom was my disabling migraines- my cptsd is so severe it overrides my chronic pain).

Even though this isn’t what I want, I also cannot stand being brought to my knees (quite literally) by my panic. So, this is potential for improvement.

(Also- I am going to be starting a new support group soon! My advocate is getting the information to me. She also listened to the things that happened last year when I was attending support group. I’m grateful for her.)

I know a lot of us end up having to take medications that have risks. Can other people relate? Has anyone else switched from Xanax to Ativan? Does anyone with cptsd have such severe panic that it debilitates them?

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #Disability #MentalHealth #PanicAttack #PanicDisorder

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Here is my day/how is yours going?

I went to my boyfriend’s house last night to try to feel safe. My sensory swing is here and he helps so much with my panic attacks and flashbacks and dissociation (as much as anyone could).

Now I’m sitting on his couch while he is working. His dog is here and always sits with me, touching me, grounding me. I’m watching Z: The Beginning of Everything on Amazon. I’m checking in on here to try to remember I’m not alone. I’m checking my emails and setting up appointments for next week.

Things are moving and I’m trying to lean into the support I am getting, despite it feeling uncertain and scary.

What’s everyone else up to? How is your day going?

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

119 reactions 34 comments

Hoping these RSO capsules kick in before my panic attack does vent 🫠

I’m feeling low today. I had a hard time leaving the bed, which is completely uncharacteristic of me.
I had another family member delete me from social media. My support feels like it’s constantly dwindling the more I come forward about the stuff I have experienced. The more I set up boundaries and appropriate expectations, the more trauma I endure. I am systematically removing people, but I am also in a very vulnerable place with the amount of battles I am fighting. I need support but I am losing the natural supports I had. Which obviously weren’t as supportive as they let on.
A lot of my de-realization has been impacted by the fact that the people who were “supports” were people who loudly, boldly, professionally declare themselves helpers. And the world believes it. They are people who work with disabled or needy populations. They tout their volunteer efforts as “personal experience” when they haven’t ever had to beg for anything like I have had to. They don’t get that their volunteer experience does not reflect my lived experience. They also keep forgetting that I too have that professional experience and volunteer experience. I am very rational and logical and yet they write me off as defensive
It’s also really hard to get new support when I don’t work and am constantly in crisis so meeting new people is… not in the cards in this moment. I have tried many ways to make new friends and when my symptoms are more manageable, I work in this. I do have support from my boyfriend. It’s just relatively new and I feel really scared because of past relationships/unreliability of people. He has been really understanding and accommodating. He helps a lot with the shame I feel on a constant basis. He always reminds me it’s not my fault- not the trauma, not the way people are treating me, and not my symptoms (especially my embarrassing, child-like panic attacks 😳)

I *know* all of the things about having to accept that people aren’t going to always be respectful and setting up boundaries etc. it just feels like it’s never going to get better. I know it will. I just need to vent about it because i am feeling really alone today.

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Disability #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe

12 reactions 6 comments

Agency meeting

I had a meeting today to discuss “medication” which quickly transitioned to everything else that has been happening with the agency that violated my rights so egregiously.

I finally feel somewhat heard and there still aren’t any answers about immediate housing and safety

My advocate was there and helped me get back on track and stay grounded. I had a really bad panic attack yesterday and she quickly responded to my email even though it was late. That was reassuring.

There was a lot of talk about the “tone” of the meeting, about me being “angry” and how it may be misplaced. I think I did a really good job describing how unbelievably patient I have been with all of this despite not having appropriate support or my basic needs met. I also pointed out how long I waited before even bringing it up and getting angry. I’m not going to have my anger pathologized. Of course I am angry. I am unsafe and haven’t been heard or respected. My advocate also did a good job reminding everyone that my anger is justified.

They tried to dodge a few things and gloss over things but I had answers for it all. They used terms like “won’t” instead of “can’t” and made things sound like choices I was making rather than symptoms I am experiencing. The agency even stated I chose to move out of the county. I was like “I had no other choice. I never wanted to be displaced and every place has become more and more dangerous.”

I definitely saw how strong of an advocate I can be and I had answers each time they tried to blame me.

It was very clear that I wasn’t making any of it up and that they did irreparable harm. I pointed out how many times they misrepresented information and how many people in that agency failed me.

After the meeting, it was affirmed that there are conversations happening behind the scenes (people are talking about the things that are happening- I am getting through on some level). I do believe that because I have heard that more than once. Me using my voice to share my experience isn’t getting as lost as I thought it was. 🤞🏼

The overseeing agency made sure to get dates about when things will be followed up on. I know they will be held accountable now. I have far too many people who were at that meeting and who saw that when I asked direct questions they glossed over it. And that was basically confirmed at the end.

Thank you to everyone who is following this ridiculously long saga

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #MentalHealth #Disability #ADHD

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When or where do you feel the most at ease?

When you live with anxiety, your symptoms — including the intensity and the frequency of them — can be different from day to day. Some days can be especially challenging and difficult to get through, while others render more manageable. And, depending on your circumstances, navigating which type of day you’ll fall into makes it feel like even more of a roller coaster.

For me, connecting with my body and knowing the coping strategies or spaces that help me feel at ease has made all the difference in getting through those tougher days.

I feel the most at ease when I’m taking a warm shower in the middle of the night, relaxing in my dim-lit room, rewatching my favorite YouTube videos or shows, cleaning/organizing, spending time with my family, or setting up a game plan for the week ahead.

I’m curious to know what are other people’s experiences. What places or things help you to feel at ease?

#Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Agoraphobia #SocialAnxiety #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe

3 reactions 4 comments

I’m new here!

Hi, my name is NearWren5960.
I'm new and thought I'd say hello. I'm here for the same reasons most of you all are; Community, Understanding, Knowledge, and Acceptance. Oh, and Agoraphobia makes it harder to open the door!
#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #EatingDisorder

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Concerns regarding my appointment with my social worker/case manager


I contacted my social worker after she rescheduled our appointment and then didn’t call me (see picture- she responded to my request and then told me she didn’t see the confirmation 🙄🧐)
The conversation didn’t go well and I was obviously triggered and terrified. I just kept repeating I don’t feel safe. Every time she asked me a question I answered it but I automatically responded in a safety way. When your basic needs haven’t been met, everything hinges on feeling safe. I don’t have time for hobbies or joy or self compassion UNTIL I am safe. It’s a privilege to do much other than right for my basic needs- like medication and housing
She abruptly ended the conversation after about 30 minutes (our appointments are usually 50 minutes but they haven’t been because she keeps rescheduling them)
She didn’t check for suicidal ideation despite me expressing serious concerns that she should have followed up with (feeling unsafe, feeling hopeless, unable to feel joy, not being able to do anything other than working to “get safe,” not having support other than her and the person I am dating but haven’t known long, having massive panic attacks, me telling her I cannot contact crisis lines because it’s too hard to explain what is going on)
She did nothing to stabilize my situation or my ability to feel safe. She didn’t even tell me when we would meet again. She just abruptly said she had another appointment and stopped responding (this was via text because I was so triggered).

This is really bad. These are ethical concerns. I have obviously been in crisis for years.

I don’t even know what she has been doing because I have been in such crisis
She hasn’t followed up with me about the things she told me she would do and at this point I’ve been in so many different places and been dissociating so much I don’t even remember what she told me she would do

I feel like I am never going to get safe because I cannot get the help I need. Even when it is promised to me by an agency that is getting paid to give me services.

I contacted my advocate and I hope she doesn’t give up on my situation 🤞🏼 she seems to be taking things seriously so far. I hope she can help me navigate this situation.

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Disability #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ADHD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

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My social worker/case manager has rescheduled nearly every appointment for the last month

I have had appointments with my case manager but they are almost always rescheduled. There also hasn’t been any progress in my housing search or writing my history to present it to the local board. It feels like she has given up on me and i am doing all of the work now and I just check into her for accountability. Like I am supposed to be carrying the weight for executing the tasks because if I don’t it doesn’t get done. The problem is that I clearly am not being heard, respected, or taken seriously. I also don’t have the ability to overcome my disability to do her job. I’m dissociating and having panic attacks which negatively impact my ability to communicate and understand what is happening
I am always in crisis because I’ve been homeless for over two years. The longer your homeless the more people give up on your situation. The harder your situation is, the faster people give up.
She has her own health conditions and had a procedure recently. She already was rescheduling frequently but now it is almost every time. And it’s happening sometimes less than an hour before.
Our appointments are now back to being in person at my request and with agoraphobia it takes A LOT of work to leave the place I am at. With my health conditions, I have to navigate timing of medications and eating so I don’t get sick. Canceling and/or rescheduling at the last minute doesn’t feel respectful
The main reason I filed a grievance at the last agency was because I wasn’t being given services which lost my housing voucher. That isn’t happening here but it is feeling very close and triggering me in ways I didn’t understand until I stepped back and saw the pattern of appointments.
We recently talked about my lack of progress on “goals” and how she has to de-escalate me at every appointment because of things that have been going on. I know she didn’t account for the fact that I have no consistency with our appointments and I don’t know what she is doing to work on my case.

I’m going to talk to her about this today even though I have already tried talking to her about how I don’t feel supported. Especially during a time when I needed support the most and I felt misled about how she could/would support me and then, less than 24 hours before a big meeting I couldn’t do by myself because of my symptoms, she told me she couldn’t come. She had a meeting with her supervisor before to discuss it and I didn’t hear until midday the day that she wasn’t going to come.

As a note: I also had my psychiatrist cancel my other appointment yesterday. The one where I have an open grievance with.

I feel like everyone on my health care team has given up on me despite still being paid to “care” and “treat” me. I cannot remember the last time any of my “care” felt remotely caring. I am in limbo because I am homeless and the only thing I can focus on is getting safe. I cannot even look for a new health care team because I have no idea when housing will open up or where I will be. It could be next month, it could be in another four years.

I don’t feel like a human. My closest friends and family gave up on my situation and my conditions. It’s just getting really scary in my life. I don’t feel real.

#Anxiety #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #MentalHealth #Disability

17 reactions 7 comments