Tired and in pain (better with the early meds) and working on my art and writing. Finding a job is up in the air at the moment but I am still looking for remote writing jobs. Or data entry. Whatever. I want to be normal. But my old "normal" is gone. Family (ie: my mother) cries over it.
I hate it when people cry...especially over things I cannot change. All I can do is find the right combination of coping skills, meds, doctors, and therapists, to fare better in this world.
I'm a sensitive person. Less so now but it's a part of me that will always remain. Hence why I'm looking into writing jobs and posting my writing everywhere...not just on Tumblr.
It feels like I'm "always sick" and yeah I am. I'm fighting a battle...(nerd moment: like when the Autobots fought for eons against the Decepticons) but it's worth it. It's worth it to try.
Besides...I may not see the world but I have my family and my love and his family. They are MY world. They are the light in MY life. Their love gives me fuel to keep fighting.
I used to be able to do so much more. Now I'm in bed a lot due to pain and fatigue. I want to work but I have soooo much going on so it would have to be from home.
How do I learn to be OK with my obstacles? It's been over ten years since I went down this rollarcoaster.
Maybe things will never change. Deep down I know they will...that there's still a spark of the person I was deep down inside.
I'm just frustrated. New problems: back pain that is turning me into a hunchback.
I just want my old "normal" back :(
I am trying my hardest.
But I always left therapy feeling like it was never good enough for my therapist.
I'm not severely ill so I can do this.
And I"m trying...
ever the people pleaser.
BTW, I have a new therapist now. I am slowly opening up :) Just trying to cope with all these new challenges. Needed an abyss/void to scream into xD
Today was hell.
I overdid it with the vestibular exercises and ended up getting really intense double vision and needing to lay down. My boyfriend helped me through it. He’s a cool cat. We talked about how shitty our days were today. To be honest, he’s one of the reasons I didn’t spray vomit everywhere last night.
Yeah, I’m hilarious. At least that’s my supportive employment case manager says. It’s more of a deadpan/dry sense of humor though. Personally, I prefer gallows humor considering everything I go through.
I overdid it but the next day later I feel amazing...so it was worth it? I like this feeling: energized and happy. My anxiety and compulsions aren’t too bad today. No pulling hair (yet) and no obsessive checking of my temperature and scanning for health symptoms.
But I did have a bunch of dizzy spells today. So I am taking it easy. I’m doing the best I can.