Just like the title says. I have had so much trouble supporting myself financially because all of my friends are married or in long term relationships living with partners. I'm the only single one and my trauma stems from an abusive relationship. So it affects those as well as my living situation. So it doesn't feel safe posting on Craigslist and living with some random roommate. It just doesn't work for me. I'm stuck having to do it all on my own. I can't afford an apartment alone, so I took another part time job at a mental health place because living with mental health gave me a passion to help others. I'd been a volunteer for years, so they knew me and knew I had mental health conditions.
I ended up getting way more work than I could handle with two jobs, so I was working off the clock and at my other job if I had any downtime to get it done. So when I've tried to voice my struggle before, I've been met with no understanding for my mental health. It was all business, no empathy. Also, most that I worked with did not live with mental health conditions, but knew others who had them, so did not have lived experience themselves. I honestly felt a bit discriminated against, but at the same time I never use my mental health as an excuse or an issue unless it gets so bad I need to so I don't hurt myself. I was at that point and so I had to make the decision to lose the money I really needed to try to move out and find a place and leave the job.
I know it's good to prioritize my mental health, but I still feel like such a failure. It's a mix between feeling let down by the mental health organization because I didn't feel they cared and hating myself for feeling weak. I tried and worked SO hard there. The boss made me feel so replaceable. That's not how a mental health place should make me feel, even if I'm staff and not someone using their services. Doesn't it make sense to have someone who deals with mental health conditions want to work in that field? Sometimes they are going to deal with different things. On top of that, I don't really have anyone to confide my feelings about this in. My friends are acting dismissive of me so I don't feel good talking to them. I don't have a partner or anyone I feel like can give me support. I just feel very very alone and wanting to cry, so I'm here. I hate living with this extra shit in my head and all around me. I've been forgetting major things and I feel like I just seem like an idiot and a space cadet to everyone around me. I just keep yelling at myself in my head that "I'm smart! I am smart!" My brain moves faster than my mouth and I just feel like there isn't a place in this world for me most times. I don't mean that in a suicidal way, just in an I always feel alone and out of place. I don't feel understand or like I'm listened to. I'm the listener and I'm fine with that, but why can't I find someone who wants to listen to me without making it about them again?