#lonely
I'm 33, single and have only had one long term
relationship, 3 years, but he didn't love me, and would
say really unkind things that made me feel not good
enough.
Prior to that relationship I dealt with
alcoholism in my immediate family as a young child and
teen. So I've always had very low self esteem. I was
teased very badly for the entirety of secondary school
because I turned to food as a comfort and was 24 stone
by the time I left school at 16. My Mom then became
very ill and spent many months in hospital with MRSA
and septicemia, and didn't recognise me or my brother
because she was so ill. It ended with her having her
right leg amputated. She was unwell for years.
I went to do my A Levels at 21, got down to 15 stone
7, was happy and doing well..the month I
completed my A Levels I was diagnosed with stage 4
Hodgkin's lymphoma and had 6 months chemotherapy
and lost my hair and dealt with everything else that
entailed. That obviously had a huge impact on my
mental health and I honestly don't think I've been the
same since.
I met my ex boyfriend not long after all of that and
stayed with him for 3 years, but as I said it wasn't a
particularly healthy relationship.
My Mom then became very ill again as a result of
neurological painkillers she was given for the phantom
pain in her amputated limb, she was taken off of them
too quickly which caused grand mal seizures for years.
After that I decided to go forward for weight loss
surgery, I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, and lost 10
stone, however I did put about 1.5 stone back on in the
initial lockdowns as I had only had my op under a year
prior and my new lifestyle was not ingrained yet.
Then obviously covid happened which has caused most
people a lot of stress.
I have a job in a retail store that I enjoy, when I can cope
with my mental health. I am also doing a degree in art
and design, including learning ceramics and
printmaking which I really love! I often get anhedonia
though and so can struggle with it when I'm not well.
Since being diagnosed with cancer at 23 I've been
certain that I want to marry and have children of my
own. My brother is married and has a wonderful wife
and two gorgeous children. So I have a lot of joy in my
life, I also have a very good relationship with both of my
parents dispite the alcoholism in my childhood.
I have some very good friends and I know I'm very
blessed to have all of these things.
I want so badly to find 'my person' though and it
genuinely worries me that I never will.
Met someone at work last year who I liked and he
seemed to like me, but all he wanted was fwb which is
not something I can do, I get too attached and it's not
what I want. I then went on about 4 dates with a guy
who I just 'clicked' with, we talked all the time, he
seemed to be as interested as me and then he just
disappeared. Came back said he'd made a 'huge mistake' then did it again. It hurts like hell and I'm so confused. He’s now blocked me on everything. #lonely
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