Dermatillomania

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    anxiety or self harm?

    I've never been diagnosed with any skinpicking disorder formally but I used to pinch myself, hit myself etc when I was young because I was the one who should be hurt.
    Fast forward at least 25 years and sometimes when I come back in from a bath, I'm happy with my skin, how the soap made it feel and smell... Until I find anything that stands out. I know I shouldn't pick because I'll be mad at myself about what if someone sees blood on my clothes?
    It's like every time I'm fine with how I look, the next minute, I'm pinching, trying to pop something. Then my mental rumination goes on,
    you're ugly
    you don't know how to care for yourself
    you're evil
    you're a coward for not committing suicide
    you're shit.
    Everyone's using nonverbal gestures to talk about how awful you look
    they say one thing, maybe a compliment but they're meaning the extreme opposite

    I dissociate, but don't notice it until some time passes and my partner on the inside is calling my name, the name I use because I hate my given name,
    he's trying to get my attention because I'm bleeding. Bleeding? What? Who? me probably.
    Shit. I know I'm evil. Have to get the evil out, right? Only way to do that is to make it flat.
    inside partner manages to come out, wash the hands, put something like menthol on the cuts.
    I come back.
    Mental rage begins.
    My parents always made fun of me for having pimples, and even more so when their cleanser etc acne stuff didn't do a damned thing. They made fun of my teth.
    And I can't get those words out of my head.
    I need something that feels the same, making the same motions but not on me. We once got some oranges. for some reason peeling them felt like picking but wasn't. The same goes for peeling boiled eggs. But neither of those is portable or easily renewable. So how do I not do this? I don't know if it's anxiety, wishing to flattening the bumps to hide them or if it's me punishing myself but doing it in such a way that even if everything is taken away from me that I can still hurt myself. Rationally I don't want to, but emotionally I just hate myself more than anything or anyone on this planet. I don't want to exist. But I know the others in our bands do want me to, and do care. I'm the one who wants to fight by fighting myself, to run by not being myself, having someone else just take over all the time. That last one I'm getting better at balance between letting others who are safe enough and want to come out do so, but also being myself. I just don't know what this is, and because we have a lot of others inside who struggle, it's hard to find enough time to ask about this. Most of the people I know inside have something like this that they do. For some, the evil isn't as strong, but for me and one other especially lately, it's hard, sometimes impossible not to do this. It's like I'm not allowed to feel like I'm anything other than evil. Not evil like ruin the world evil, evil like I should be a worm crushed beneath someone's shoe. Evil like repulsive and a shame to the world. I know fixing my view of myself will take time, but I really need some things, with descriptions not pictures, that others use to make the same kind of feeling in a safer way. Please. I would really appreciate it. I'm picking before I know I'm picking. #CPTSD #Dissociation #ChronicDepression
    #Dermatillomania

    5 reactions 3 comments
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    Dermatillomania

    Hi all,
    I’m new here. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time, but in the last few years, have also been suffering from #Dermatillomania - skin picking. I’m not sure if it stems from the anxiety and depression or if I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as well. All I do know is that it is ruining my life. I feel so ashamed. I’ve picked at my face since before I can remember, popping pimples and what not, but now it’s every ingrown hair I see. Sometimes, I pick so much, I make huge holes in my body. I finally talked to my significant other about it and he made me feel so stupid. He said “Just control yourself. It’s ridiculous”. It was hurtful, to say the least. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    12 reactions 5 comments
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    New the the Group!

    Hello! My name is Kellyn! I have been struggling with dermatillomania since I was probably in high school (picking at my face). I had no clue it had an actually name back then. Abo##ut two years ago - maybe a little longer - I started to notice bumps on my legs from ingrown hairs and Keratosis Pilaris. I used to love the way that my legs looked, but now, I barely wear shorts or short dresses, because I just cannot stop picking. My latest technique of only picking at what looked like was ready to pop has failed, because I always end up looking for more. Now, I am trying to stop "cold-turkey" and am looking for any advice on how to keep my hands busy. I have fidget toys that I use, but sometimes I don't have them right at my disposal. (Maybe I just put thinking putty in every room of the house...) I know I am going to have days where I may fall back into the habit, but I am determined to wear shorts again next spring and summer. #Dermatillomania #Anxiety #determined #OCD

    3 comments
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    Skin Picking

    For almost a year i’ve struggled greatly with skin picking. I have marks all over my hands, down my arms and scattered on my legs. People noticed and begged me to stop but I couldn’t. I’m proud to say I was finally able to stop. I’ve gotten my nails done which makes it really hard to rip my skin open so I can botice when i’m doing it. My scars are healing externally and internally and I hope my skin goes back to normal. Pictures from a few months ago show me covered in infected wounds and scabs. Now, it’s just faded marks. I’m so proud I did it and am receiving help I need! #MentalHealth #Dermatillomania

    1 reaction 19 comments
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    I have Dermatillomania

    #Dermatillomania is a “www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/dermatillomania-skin-picking, is a psychological condition that manifests as repetitive, compulsive #skinpicking .” Approximately  www.bfrb.org/learn-about-bfrbs/skin-picking-disorder of the population has a skin picking disorder. So that means that approximately 11,500 people in the U.S.A. have a skin picking disorder. I am not alone. And if you do this, you are not alone either. If you don’t, please have compassion without judgment.My first memory of picking my nails until they bled was before kindergarten. I picked at my toenails. I am not sure why I did this, but that’s when it started. It was during nursing school that I really got carried away with my fingernails. Some days, all fingertips would be covered in bandaids. I frequently had to clean both my toenails and fingernails with hydrogen peroxide and cover them in triple antibiotics to prevent infection. I went through a lot of hydrogen peroxide and triple antibiotics during nursing school.To try to prevent me from this self-harm and to look better, I went to nail salons for fake nails. The workers showed my nails to each other and spoke in a foreign language with shock and amusement. They said “no nail” in English and then, they did their work. I sat in embarrassment as my ugly nails were inspected under magnified light. I felt beautiful and “normal” for a while when the lovely new nails were complete. But without much nail bed to hang on to, fake nails fall off quickly only to reveal a worse situation beneath. Putting on fake nails is also damaging to the natural nail…picking them off as I did after losing one or two…isn’t a great idea for beauty either.

    My teenager has fussed me so many times for picking at and over filing my nails. It drives them crazy. I know it’s poor role modeling too but, I file away. As a young child, I was soothed by rubbing my mom’s smooth nails. Now, if my nail isn’t smooth, I will go to the store to get a nail file if I can’t find one. Ironically, because of this bad habit, my nails will never actually be smooth.Before you comment on the many ways that I can overcome this bad habit, I have to tell you that I don’t need to. I have consulted with doctors and counselors; it’s not pretty or the healthiest coping mechanism but I’m ok with it right now. The stress of trying to quit is greater than the stress relief of just continuing. It’s not as bad as it once was and I’m not trying to cover it up with fake nails. Getting past the body shame has been good for me. That’s where I am right now and it’s ok.

    2 comments
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    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Boxerdog. I'm here because I have never recovered from childhood sexual abuse by my Step-Grandfather. I went to another group many years ago but it seemed to me the trauma and pain others had was worse than mine. One young woman brought 20 stuffed animals and surrounded herself with them before she could sit down. One of my sexual parts has never given me pleasure because of Grandpa. I told my husband, don't even bother trying to pleasure me there because it doesn't work. I also have OCD and dermatillomania (scab picking on my scalp). Before I started picking at scabs, I picked cuticles. Before that it was biting the inside of my mouth. I am very sad. My daughter and I do not communicate--or I should say--I send her emails and she doesn't answer them. I haven't seen her in 4 years and she is my only living relative. I am a widow. I am alone on this planet with no family at all. I have three dogs. They are the reason I get up everyday.

    #MightyTogether

    1 comment
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    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is A. I'm here because

    #Anxiety #OCD #Dermatillomania #ExcoriationSkinPickingDisorder

    I am in veterinary school so a lot of my stress becomes apparent through my skin picking. I am looking for tips of things to do when listening to lectures that can distract me enough to not pick but allow me to pay attention to the lectures! If anyone has suggestions I am listening hah

    2 comments
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    Very Sad Tonight

    My best friend has stopped talking to me without any idea why (Live out of state). Anxiety causing other issues to get worse and just feel very sad and alone tonight. #Anxiety #Depression #Dermatillomania

    11 comments
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    Doing TMS again! But feeling hopeful #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

    I had a TMS consult today. Will be starting it in August for OCD! And off label C-PTSD as those two disorders are very intertwined for me. I did it for OCD and bipolar depression last year with success. So here’s to hoping it helps again!!

    #MentalHealth #Disability #Anxiety #Autism #ADHD #BipolarDisorder #LearningDisabilities #TicDisorders #AnorexiaNervosa #SensoryProcessingDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dermatillomania #GenderDysphoria

    8 comments
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    Small Joys 7/8/2022

    Hey there, world. It's Friday 7/8 and after several weeks of pretty stressful things and big concerns about life and the world and the economy and everything, there are a few things I want to share that made me very happy today.

    First, my cat doesn't actually need the surgeries that I thought he would! He surprised both myself and his vet with responding well to a less invasive medical step. Yay! He's just a baby so not having to put him under anesthesia without absolutely needing to is such a relief!

    Second, Biden signed an executive order to go against SCOTUS's ruling that overturned Roe v Wade. I don't want to get into any sort of debate on here, but I'm just happy to see that reproductive rights are being protected because everyone deserves rights to healthcare and bodily autonomy.

    Third, I got a new fidget ring today and I LOVE it. I have OCD and I always thought that my fidgeting was just from anxiety, but I was also recently diagnosed with adult ADHD and it makes SO much sense. It physically hurts for me to try to stop my body from moving, there is some part of my body that is always moving (toes tapping, legs jiggling, fingers playing or tapping or picking, shifting in my seat). I am SUCH a fidgeter, and recently I decided to look into getting a variety of fidget rings to help try to manage my dermatillomania as I'm tired of making myself bleed. YAY. I ordered 4 different kinds of fidget rings from Etsy. I love all of them!