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Perspectives #Lonliness #outoftouch #Myreality #BPD

Last night I heard my dog walking down the hall and thought he was able to sense how lonely I was...but then I heard him drinking from the toilet and realized he was just very thirsty 🐕


I Know Full Well of This.

For some times now, I’ve come to realize and accept that my future relationships with men won’t be normal. I have abandonment issues and trust issues. I want to be close to others, but I can’t allow myself to do that. When things happen, I will push others away. As of recently something happened and I was told that how I handled it was considered “splitting “. As much as I would like to give all that I have to someone, I know that right now, it’s just not possible. It’s hard for me to decipher if someone really likes me, but I’m aware of someone doesn’t care for me. I don’t deal with rejection very well either. I had suicidal thoughts the last time I felt rejected. The most important thing to me is that I don’t ruin anyone else. Lately, I’ve been lost in a whirlwind of mixed feelings and an ever changing sense of identity (or lack there of). It’s a lot to process, but this is my reality. #MentalHealth #order #bipolardisorder #dep #Relationships #Myreality

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Give them to me all
If the void in me will be filled
Fill me to the max
With your poisoning until I'm sick
I don't care at all if they don't affect me in anyway
I just want to feel like I'm trying
So pass them all this way
See even if they don't really work
I'm going to trick myself into believing
Cause the road I'm heading down
Has me full blown screaming

I was fine,
totally fine for a while
I even had myself convinced
Like walking down a flight stairs
You can be fine & out of nowhere
You skip a random step, your heart sinks
That Mini heart attack.
See that's my bloody life
No one gets that-say they do-but really don't.
But Cris, find out what's wrong
Dig in deeper
there has to be something
Your absolutely right
Hold that thought--Dj pass the Mic

Well, until that day comes I guess I found my new drug habit.
I've been fucking up so long the time has come for me to do no wrong
I'm tried of mistakes
Even when right
people only see the wrong
I'm fighting for my life
And no one knows it
Isn't it bazaar -that I smile
Tho Inside I'm crying
I'm the perfect actress
But I'm broke, that's the irony

Pop another pill
I Probably shouldn't with this whiskey
I Try to look around and find something to center me
But if I look to hard I get deterred
We're fucking up
But- that another's speech
So I'm trying out these pills
To see if life can finally be a dream
They tell me not to take them
I'll go crazy-
It will break me-
Crazy-Your jesting right?
Break me?
Nonsense! - I'm already shattered
Have you not been listening?

I wonder what your input would be if you were in my shoes...
Specifically on the nights I walk a path up to the roof...
where else do you turn
When you talk yourself off the edge
What's crazy is how I don't even want to kill my self
But something here(points to head)
& here(points to heart) prevents that from happening!
I can't be the woman I want to be
Cause these demons suck me up
Wish I Knew how to rid myself of them
They really hard to fucking live with
It's not Cristina I want to kill, it's that bitch devil that resides within me.
I'm not sure when she came
Maybe she was there all along
But fuck me is she twisted.
What's scary is .... Sometimes I like it.

So you see anything to calm her
Anything to numb the pain
Even if it's bullshit
I have nothing to lose at the end of the day ...
So fuck it!
I'm all in
Placebo me up baby!
I'm Popping pills everyday
Here's to the pharmaceutical district*


Note: For years I was indecisive about using medication as part of my treatment. I wrote this word a few weeks into having started taking them.

#MightyPoets #Depression #Bipolar #Placebo #SpokenWord #Myreality