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Listening to an audio book while folding laundry. The character said “All my life, I’ve had the impulse to retreat from kindness” Same sis, same. Trauma response. I’ve progressed a little though


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Progress is hard

So I got into this step group in ACA. They have already started before I was invited to join so I'm a little behind. We are going through a workbook and I'm trying to answer the prompts, but the whole time my mind and my body are screaming "no!". I just don't want to do it. It's emotional and my mind is trying to lie to me again that I don't need to do this, it's to hard, I need to just ignore all of my feelings and keep running away. I hate it. I'm trying really hard to push through, but it just makes me feel yucky.

I am proud of myself for doing this, though, and I know it will pay off.

#adultchildrenofalcoholics #ACA #Depression #Anxiety #progressnotperfection

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My 15 year path in recovery has taught that I need to follow a personalised, fluid program that works just for me; my life experiences. I see women drop out of "formalised" recovery programs, feeling they are a failure because their mindsets are not in sync with some concepts. I am not bashing any formal recovery programs. Never! They work for good reasons! But, if you're like me, feeling a need for additional perspectives, roll up your shirt sleeves and dive into "doing the work"😅! Stay connected with others, share with others, read, study, keep your wonderful mind open, hold onto those "aha" moments, learn what due dilligence in self-care means to you. #progressnotperfection . Above all, know that you are worthy of the best. I'll end this with a friend's #recoverymantra : #takethebestandleavetherest !

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#themightysupportsystem "#Onestepatatime #readyourmindandbody #dopaminehormonegoalsetting #seratonin /lovetrust/neurotransmitter #duedilligence

I am currently homebound due to excrutiating nerve pain throught back/neck/arms. This prevents me from driving, which prevents me from visiting close friends whom i love and trust. I'm homebound with an emotionally abusive husband. All of the hastags preceding this might give you an idea of areas that are vital to be intuned with; depressing & self loathing are creeping in; not fun but i'm aware of WHY they are creeping in. I need to think outside my own box; create doable concrete goals with visual aid of checklists to see how i'm doing. (Read books A,B,C ea. 30mins in AM & 30 minsPM; each day work on art therapy; explore!; use different mediums; the 700lb. phone!;answer phone 1x/return one missed call, etc. #successbringssuccess
I often tell people I 'do the work' as best i can. #progressnotperfection
It's a bless to have learned to break down the what/why/how ; to get to the root of depression, sadness creeping in. #Selfpreservation
My nerve pain will end soon;in the meantime i'll try to focus on my "in house goals ."

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If you strive for perfection you probably will be disappointed, but if you strive for progress that’s more realistic and achievable and you will feel like you are getting somewhere! #Onestepatatime #progressnotperfection

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When Better Is A Jouney, Not A Destination

Somehow, after successfully completely two different treatment programs, attending years of consistent therapy, finding a helpful combination of meds, and being incredibly open about my story and diagnoses, I somehow began to operate under this unspoken pressure to be “better.”

With the holiday season and now the arrival of the long awaited “2020” year, I noticed something. By advocating for therapy and the freedom to feel and express emotions, I started to place this barrier between . I often talk about how finishing treatment and taking my meds doesn’t mean I never struggle - it just means I now have more tools to handle bad days. Yet, for some reason, when bad days come, I feel this weight of condemnation. I catch myself saying “This should not be happening.” When I am symptomatic, I hate myself for having an illness. With the new release of my debut single as an artist, of my hopeful anthem “This Is It” and the almost completion of my EP Brave Enough, I have become aware of an intensifying need to be “better.” Better in this use of the word doesn’t mean “improvement” - it means “cured” and “perfect” and “beyond that whole ‘mental illness thing’.

One of my favorite things I learned in treatment was the existence of dialectics, a world in which two distinct things need not be mutually exclusive. Sometimes I don’t treat myself like I can live in that world, while simultaneously giving everyone else the grace to live there. Lately, I’ve been treating myself like I can’t be encouraging and inspirational and also struggle, like I can’t be better and still in the process of healing, and like I can’t sing life into hopeless places and sometimes have doubt myself. So, to combat this, I decided to connect with others who know this plight. I decided to not isolate myself from people with minds and heart ssimilar to mine. It’s somewhat intimidating... AND I can be hesitant and still be brave. I’d love to build connections with others who might feel like this too. I know I’m not the only one. Today, I join the community. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CyclothymicDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #MoodDisorders #MoodStabilizers #AnorexiaNervosa #AtypicalAnorexia #BulimiaNervosa #EDNOS #OSFED #progressnotperfection #ResidentialTreatment #Inpatient #IntensiveOutpatientProgram #PartialHospitalizationProgram #Selfharm #stability #Isolation #Music #MightyPoets #MightyMusic

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#CheerMeOn #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #Anxiety #Fatigue

It’s been almost 2 days straight of constant back pain which hasn’t been the norm for me in quite a while. I’m not sure what triggered it (possibly the weather) but I’m feeling uneasy about how much pain medication I’ve taken since none of the other things I use to cope have been helping. I’m chalking this up to a really bad flare up right now, but I’d love to have some positive vibes sent my way. What helps you when your chronic pain flares up? What are you grateful for this week?
I worked almost 40 hours, exercised every day, stuck to my anti-inflammatory diet, talked to my therapist, and spent quality time with my dog. I have plans this weekend to hike and get together with friends.
#progressnotperfection #Acceptance #ThisIsMe

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Little things mean a lot

I’m starting month 2 of a new job after 2 years of unemployment. I feel like things are finally turning around, but I need some sense of security (right now I’m temp to hire). I’m struggling to forgive people I trusted who rejected me out of fear & stigma, but I celebrate that it has been 9 months since I’ve had a suicidal thought.
#CheckInWithMe #progressnotperfection