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I never wrote anything like this before, so bear with me, please.

3 years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disoreder, it was a relief knowing that what I was going through was not me “going crazy” or just “being crazy” since my teenage years, but it had a name.

However, it opened my eyes to some challenges.

I honestly don’t know how relevant this is to what I am trying to say, but I just felt the need to put it out here, for once, to be able to tell it to someone who might understand.

But getting back to my point…
I have a pretty difficult time with decisions, one in particular.

I got this job offer and for some reason I went to the interview. I got the job, it pays way better than my current job, it has a lot of benefits (financialy and professionaly). However, its very different from what I am doing at the moment, the new job being in management. At the moment I am a psychologist, k9 conducuctor and dog behaviorist. Tbh in my country it’s paid pretty badly, I can barely make ends meet and it’s putting a lof of stress on me and at times I feel like I am unrevelling.

And now, I am faced with this decision: old job or new job?
Doing what I love (for little money, with no possibility of advancement) or do what it’s right for my health and stability?
#Decisions #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #DisorderedEating #dep 🫣 #Anxiety #help

11 reactions 6 comments

Why I stopped listening to music #ithMe #Suicid #onalityDisorder #anxiety #dep #sion ##Chro

Before I got clean and sober 2 years ago I never liked to listen to music. Music was the enemy for me. It was painful how it brought back painful memories. so imagine… switching the channel immediately out of fear, fear because every time I heard a song while I was using it brought me back to a time that I did something stupid to me. It brought back a memory of a time I embarrassed myself or hurt the people I love or abandoned people I love, like my daughter. I just stopped listening out of what feelings it brought up.. guilt, shame, pain and bad memories. However, when I got clean, things changed with music and it became part of my recovery. No more did it cause pain. In fact, it became essential for physical pain control and simply smiling, laughing and having fun. I even did an experiment to see if soft rock could get me through a root canal and it did! Music is everything to me now. It is always on. I am always dancing, signing off key and loving it. No longer do I feel emotional pain, shame or guilt. I don’t allow it to take me back to a painful memory, I only allow it to form a new memory. It is an amazing tool to heal a creature throughout and I could not live without it.
.#SuicidalThoughts #ChronicDepression #ChronicIlless

9 reactions 5 comments
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Adhd and bipolar…..are they commonly mutual #order #BipolarDisorder #dep #ADHD

So firstly please forgive me for the photo. It was early hours, on the beach, watching the sunrise. These guys and gals had been singing together, so badly it made me smile, but when the sun came racing and bubbling like a cauldron, they cheered and clapped. Just random peopl who may have the same thoughts as me.

So now I’ve pontificated I’ll get on with it. My bipolar disorder was given to me about 4 years ago, after I made good efforts but ultimately failed to end my life. There were many facets of the lead up to this event that don’t need telling, here, this time. But one….>

So one of the problems I have is my brain doesn’t stop talking. Not voices, just if I did a and b I’d get c and d at the same time. I love doing things with my hands so I am always designing, making, restoring etc. I have to use a prescription drug to make me sleep the days I go to work. I have to be precise with my job and be smiley for the customers. Most times this works. But because of the nature of the drug I use I can only have so many a month. The rest of the time I’m up through the night drawing designs, making tool lists and a whole other plethora of things. This can go on for two half hours, hours apart or hours hours apart, or just all bloomin night.

During the day I can’t sit still, get bored inside of ten minutes, everything has to be clean and really clean. Music or telly noise has to be on the go. My brain just needs to be doing something when my body is saying enough is enough.

I have that noise thing in my ears, I can’t remember the name. I was diagnosed with that when I was about 8 and I’m now 56.

With all that said all I crave is silence from my head. On a good day on the beach, no people, no wind and crashing waves, I consentrate on the noise of the waves and it soothes me.

I did an online test which left me with a suggestion to get tested for ADHD. So months ago I went to the gp and asked the question. I had to go away and prove the results of the online test. He never got back to me. So I wonder if there is another way forward, here in the UK.

Currently I have prostrate issues, severe sleep apnea, skin cancer and a couple of other things so it might have been surpassed in the grand scheme of things. This week I have covid for the first time, not the excitement I need in my life right now. And apparently the national health service feels I am ‘likely to have severe consequences’,,, or something like that. But to me it is important and would go some way to explain my life.

Any and all answers are greatly received. If anyone knows of agencies that I may get help or signposting from, then once again this would mean so much to me.

Thank you so much for getting this far.

All my love and best wishes to all. Be safe and be yourself… deserve it.

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I can’t stand when people say Re guarding depression, “just snap out of it.” #stupidthingspeoplesay #dep

As if I didn’t think of that and would have done it a long time ago if it were possible.



I saw my extrovert friend.I wonder how smooth he is with everyone.He knows many people.His status made me feel little nervous.I am afraid how i am gonna learn.
#sad #anx #order #bipolardisorder #dep #mighty


I was in a accident with my bf 2 weeks ago tmrw. We hit a cow. I chipped 2 vertebrae in my neck so I have to wear a neck brace for 4-6 weeks now since its been 2. My bf didn't get hurt an I could've been alot worse so for that we are both very grateful. The first week I was ok with doing nothing but this last week I've relapsed.😩 I was with my bf Friday the first time since the accident an I had 2 anxiety attacks. I felt very overwhelmed an I still do. We're going after the cow owner but we have been waiting for the officer to call back for like ever and bills have already started coming in. My bf said if he can't respect my family then we won't work an I started crying. Its the cow owners insurance, my bf's insurance, my auto insurance then my health insurance. And yk we don't want to go after my bf but we'll have to if the officer doesn't call back soon.

What do ya'll think I should do? Should I wait it out or call my psychiatrist to make it through these 2 months?? #DepressionAndMentalHealth #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep



Ugh my doctor put me in a out patient program. Now I remember why I hate it so much. Well the ones that have been following me there was another medication change that brings the total to 6 in 3/4 weeks. I took a leave of absence from work per my doctor and my sponsor got me back of SSDI. Not sure what else to say other then I am beyond being frustrated. #BipolarDepression #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Depression #Anxiety #


Feeling oh so very lost

Feeling oh so very lost right now. With all the medication changes nothing is working so far. If anything I have gotten worse. My anxiety and depression is out of control for the last 2 months. I have a call into the doctor and waiting for a call back from them. Not sure what more I can do. #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Depression #Anxiety # suicidal #needing help.