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    Why I stopped listening to music #ithMe #Suicid #onalityDisorder #anxiety #dep #sion ##Chro

    Before I got clean and sober 2 years ago I never liked to listen to music. Music was the enemy for me. It was painful how it brought back painful memories. so imagine… switching the channel immediately out of fear, fear because every time I heard a song while I was using it brought me back to a time that I did something stupid to me. It brought back a memory of a time I embarrassed myself or hurt the people I love or abandoned people I love, like my daughter. I just stopped listening out of what feelings it brought up.. guilt, shame, pain and bad memories. However, when I got clean, things changed with music and it became part of my recovery. No more did it cause pain. In fact, it became essential for physical pain control and simply smiling, laughing and having fun. I even did an experiment to see if soft rock could get me through a root canal and it did! Music is everything to me now. It is always on. I am always dancing, signing off key and loving it. No longer do I feel emotional pain, shame or guilt. I don’t allow it to take me back to a painful memory, I only allow it to form a new memory. It is an amazing tool to heal a creature throughout and I could not live without it.
    .#SuicidalThoughts #ChronicDepression #ChronicIlless

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    Adhd and bipolar…..are they commonly mutual #order #BipolarDisorder #dep #ADHD

    So firstly please forgive me for the photo. It was early hours, on the beach, watching the sunrise. These guys and gals had been singing together, so badly it made me smile, but when the sun came racing and bubbling like a cauldron, they cheered and clapped. Just random peopl who may have the same thoughts as me.

    So now I’ve pontificated I’ll get on with it. My bipolar disorder was given to me about 4 years ago, after I made good efforts but ultimately failed to end my life. There were many facets of the lead up to this event that don’t need telling, here, this time. But one….>

    So one of the problems I have is my brain doesn’t stop talking. Not voices, just if I did a and b I’d get c and d at the same time. I love doing things with my hands so I am always designing, making, restoring etc. I have to use a prescription drug to make me sleep the days I go to work. I have to be precise with my job and be smiley for the customers. Most times this works. But because of the nature of the drug I use I can only have so many a month. The rest of the time I’m up through the night drawing designs, making tool lists and a whole other plethora of things. This can go on for two half hours, hours apart or hours hours apart, or just all bloomin night.

    During the day I can’t sit still, get bored inside of ten minutes, everything has to be clean and really clean. Music or telly noise has to be on the go. My brain just needs to be doing something when my body is saying enough is enough.

    I have that noise thing in my ears, I can’t remember the name. I was diagnosed with that when I was about 8 and I’m now 56.

    With all that said all I crave is silence from my head. On a good day on the beach, no people, no wind and crashing waves, I consentrate on the noise of the waves and it soothes me.

    I did an online test which left me with a suggestion to get tested for ADHD. So months ago I went to the gp and asked the question. I had to go away and prove the results of the online test. He never got back to me. So I wonder if there is another way forward, here in the UK.

    Currently I have prostrate issues, severe sleep apnea, skin cancer and a couple of other things so it might have been surpassed in the grand scheme of things. This week I have covid for the first time, not the excitement I need in my life right now. And apparently the national health service feels I am ‘likely to have severe consequences’,,, or something like that. But to me it is important and would go some way to explain my life.

    Any and all answers are greatly received. If anyone knows of agencies that I may get help or signposting from, then once again this would mean so much to me.

    Thank you so much for getting this far.

    All my love and best wishes to all. Be safe and be yourself…..you deserve it.

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    I can’t stand when people say Re guarding depression, “just snap out of it.” #stupidthingspeoplesay #dep

    As if I didn’t think of that and would have done it a long time ago if it were possible.

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    L.I.F.E.

    I saw my extrovert friend.I wonder how smooth he is with everyone.He knows many people.His status made me feel little nervous.I am afraid how i am gonna learn.
    #sad #anx #order #bipolardisorder #dep #mighty

    Post

    I was in a accident with my bf 2 weeks ago tmrw. We hit a cow. I chipped 2 vertebrae in my neck so I have to wear a neck brace for 4-6 weeks now since its been 2. My bf didn't get hurt an I could've been alot worse so for that we are both very grateful. The first week I was ok with doing nothing but this last week I've relapsed.😩 I was with my bf Friday the first time since the accident an I had 2 anxiety attacks. I felt very overwhelmed an I still do. We're going after the cow owner but we have been waiting for the officer to call back for like ever and bills have already started coming in. My bf said if he can't respect my family then we won't work an I started crying. Its the cow owners insurance, my bf's insurance, my auto insurance then my health insurance. And yk we don't want to go after my bf but we'll have to if the officer doesn't call back soon.

    What do ya'll think I should do? Should I wait it out or call my psychiatrist to make it through these 2 months?? #DepressionAndMentalHealth #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep

    4 comments
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    UGH

    Ugh my doctor put me in a out patient program. Now I remember why I hate it so much. Well the ones that have been following me there was another medication change that brings the total to 6 in 3/4 weeks. I took a leave of absence from work per my doctor and my sponsor got me back of SSDI. Not sure what else to say other then I am beyond being frustrated. #BipolarDepression #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Depression #Anxiety #

    3 comments
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    Feeling oh so very lost

    Feeling oh so very lost right now. With all the medication changes nothing is working so far. If anything I have gotten worse. My anxiety and depression is out of control for the last 2 months. I have a call into the doctor and waiting for a call back from them. Not sure what more I can do. #onalityDisorder #Anxiety #dep #Depression #Anxiety # suicidal #needing help.

    6 comments
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    Med Frustration #Bipolar #dep

    Newly diagnosed ( age 37 ) bipolar ( severe ) / depression / anxiety / ptsd / anorexia ..... I am in meds for the first time ever and have never been more frustrated - 3 weeks in and I don’t feel any better - I know it’s not instant - I am in Ambilify 10 mg . I see a Psychiatrist once a week ( it’s expensive and would love to see them more ) .... i need advice from anyone !! All I want to do is sleep - I have no energy but then I have days of full fledged mania ! Also freaking out about gaining weight !!! Advice please !!

    6 comments
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    Chameleons in Disguise

    Chameleons in Disguise

    They call us crazy,
    To sensitive, weak minds!!
    Yet none dare scratch the surface to see what really is behind,
    The painful existence of us Borderlines.

    We scream in silent smiles
    The mask we hide behind.
    For understanding and compassion
    From those who run and hide
    They do not see our faces
    Nor wish to face our tortured minds

    Alone inside a crowded room
    Screaming sear down deep inside
    If only all these people knew
    How we are hurting all the time
    Alas they pass their judgment
    Blaming stares, sneak peaks or hide
    From the ones who need them dearly
    “Please don’t leave, I’ll hide my mind!!”
    Yet the constant struggle within us
    Always bubbles out with time

    Now we are the bad guy
    Can’t “control our wild side”
    If you could see our brains are broken
    Would it help you treat us kind??
    An arm that’s set gets patience
    Their is no cast for the mind

    Condemned to scream behind our masks
    Each one carefully designed
    To make us seem “more normal” in our lives on the outside.

    —————-
    I’d love some thoughts on this, I want to accurately portray our struggles with non bpd poeple

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #onalityDisorder #anxiety #dep #Fibromyalgia #Borderline Bipolar depression #Borderline

    9 comments