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I finally opened up....

I finally told someone close to me what ive been going through. I told my mom...... I told her about my first relationship when i was underage and how he was grooming me to be his bondage pet. I told her how my second relationship stole my virginity from me. And contunued to rape me for he next year we were together. How hed take me to busy places (like disney) and abandon me to punish me for being so dumb. I have severe anxiety before this so it was traumatic. I told her about the guy i worked at a haunted house with and how he made me think wed work on a zombie movie but then he ended up being 20 years older than he said and tried to rape me. Thank god someone called me for an emergency. Hed already done it to 3 other girls i knew i found out. We were all under 16 and he was in his 40s. And i told her how my most recent relationship has evolved from one of sexual and physical abuse to one of emotional and mental abuse. Because we all live together (me him and my whole family) he has to be more discreet. I want to say hes kinder and not as bad as he used to be but i think im realizing that thats just me saying that the emotional abuse is ol because at least hes not touching me anymore..... And its not ok. And i wish more than anything he could just be the good side of him and never treat me that way again but i know that to him im like an accessory. Women are a piece to complete him a goal in a set of rewards that mark real adulthood and success.
Ive had so many wrongs against me in my life and I dont extract myself from them... Trust me i blame myaelf hard for all the trauma ive let myaelf be in.
But i honestly just dont know what healthy is or hlw to move on.
Im scared to lose the guy im with and be alone. But if i wasnt with him would i be alone? Or qould i finally get to spread my wings and be social amd free.....

Im only just now going to be 27 and i feel like ive never lived like a 20 year old. Ive always wanted to go with friends to a club drink and dance.. Have fun... Feel free and young.....

I even find myself realizing that my chronic pain started hard after a particularly bad ... Physically related.... Fight between he and i....
I feel like im being abusjve blaming him or talking about what hes done and how its negatively affected me..... But in reality him and this abusjve relationahip have really taken a lot from me... And done a lot to me...

I have so many stories to tell and I think id like tonstart chronicaling them here one at a time.
Is sharing my stories complaining? Is it going to be a bother? Is this not the right place to do it?
Id just love to be able to anonymously get it out and hear how others see itm so i can dig out of this gaslight hole im in and see whats real....

I just dont know anymore and i dont know how to move forward....

#shouldistay #shouldigo #Abuse #abusiverelationships #mentalabuse #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Broken #fighting #lost #grieving #venting #exposing #MyTruth #seekingsupport


“Today I thought about ending my life....”

“Today I thought about ending my life”. This has begun to become a reoccurring broken record playing inside my head. Every time life has gotten stressful, my anxiety and pervasive suicidal thoughts fog my brain and I struggle to find the light on the otherside. It use to be big stressful events, now it seems like even the small ones set me off. Sometimes when it happens, it’s like an out of body experience, not recognizing who I am or a way out. I sit there. I isolate. Numbness overcomes me. Seconds feel like minutes and minutes feel like hours. There I sit, completely numb. I then hear my two year old saying, “mama, mama”, I feel his little sweaty hands touch my face, and suddenly the fog lifts and I am back to reality. This is what my anxiety is like. This is what my depression is like. This is what my life is like... A never ending rollercoaster of emotions, unsure of which tunnel I am going to find myself in. All day I try to take the tunnel with the light, sometimes my anxiety and depression chooses it and sometimes I’m left in a thick fog of darkness. I feel powerless on a ride that never ends. #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #MyTruth #mystory


#Disability #MyTruth #Depression  Note Written on FB 2012

#stillfeelthesame , #nothingchanged

Because I tried to write about 3 ways to find self-acceptance TWICE and clicked the wrong place and lost everything I wrote, I thought I'd share this note in sentiment of HOPING to become at peace with myself. Knowing I'll never BE like the rest of the world. My truths I still hold firm, Compromise is NOT happening... But I have to find my fit regardless. As I am part of the world & society STILL whether I like it or not... I just refuse and /or fall short of compliance. THE HERD MENTALITY...Never been cool with!
_ So Here goes ME about 7 yrs ago,same as ever_