negativevoices

..... in my head!

Now that I don't work Saturdays after working wknds for 2 yrs on top of my m-f job, my body is yelling at me to keep moving. I know I need to accept the fact that resting is okay but y'all, it's hard!

I'm stressing a bit due to finances being cut a lil but with my main job, I'll be okay within a couple of months. Finances is my biggest adult flaw. I'm sure it's yours as well. Growing up in a 1 man income, I saw the struggle & told myself I will not struggle. I will be comfortable in my finances.

Looking around at my apartment & all I see is a "mess" even though it's not THAT messy. I see art projects being piled up yet the motivation hasn't been there for a couple of months now. I see myself falling into a "lazy" phase yet again & I do not like it. Laundry needs to be folded after a few months in the basket. Dishes need to be done after a few days in the sink. How am I suppose to grow & heal if I'm not growing & just sitting? How am I suppose to heal if all I am is hard on myself? This journey is not easy, that's for sure.

It's the voices that are killing me. I know what I'm capable of doing... or am I? I'm always getting inside my head. Negative self talk. Sabotaging the positive. Gaslighting myself. Feeling guilty. All of those harsh demons..

How does one get out of this rut? I'm done being so "down" on myself. I want change. I need change. Consistency is key, I know but some days it lacks hardcore. That's yet another flaw of mine. I'll start & then slack weeks later.

Aye! Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know anymore. This has been on my mind this wknd. Had to share to calm the nerves.

🤷🏼‍♀️😑🖤

#Anxiety #Depression #Migraines #Chatspace #CheckInWithMe #undiagnoised #MentalHealth #Insomnia #Grief #GAD #PTSD #Healing #negativevoices

I am 35 years old. I have two university degrees in education and am working on a third in psychology. I have a regular, somewhat demanding job that most of the time I like to think I am pretty good at. I like to sing, to paint, to write, and to devour books like words are going out of fashion. I am in a steady relationship with a wonderful man, have amazing friends and family, and generally love the life I have created for myself.

I also carry a secret. It’s three years old, but not a toddler, though there are occasionally invisible tantrums involved. It requires constant monitoring and management of medication, but I have to see a psychiatrist to do this, not a GP. It sometimes lands me in hospital, but can’t be fixed on an operating table or with IV fluids.

I am schizophrenic.

When you tell people you have diabetes or a dodgy back, they tend to accept that those things don’t change who you are as a person, or make you a liability. When you tell people you have a mental illness, the reactions sometimes – not always – range from disbelief (“You seem so normal!”) to mistrust (“Does the TV send you messages?”) to avoidance (“You probably wouldn’t have wanted to come to that party anyway.”). You become an unknown entity, someone to be wary of. A time bomb.

When I am well, all the things I told you about myself are true. When I’m not, they are still true, but occasionally they get buried the further I fall into acute illness. Sometimes I can’t work, or follow the plot of a book, and all the colors on my palette start to feel like different shades of black. I have learnt over the last three years not only to (mostly) accept it, but to control it, and I am incredibly lucky to have a great support network to help me do this.

For those who are caring for, or know someone with schizophrenia or a psychotic illness, or just want to understand more about what it feels like, go here to read what I’ve written about the things I’d like you to know (but can’t always say aloud):

theworldismyapple.net/2019/06/22/and-why-the-sea-is-boiling-...

I have been dealing with Bipolar Depression and other mental challenges for the better part of 20 years. My husband and I are invited to a New Year's Eve party. I am anxious about going. I have been having racing thoughts and I have been having to push through my #social
#Anxiety just to get through this Holiday Season. I am having #PanicAttacks , I don't want my husband to have to go to the party alone.

He has been supportive to a point. He says I can't hide from life. My mental battles manifest physically. My #IrritableBowelSyndrome has flared up. I feel tired and a part of me wants to go with him. The #negativevoices and the negative soundtrack tells me not to go, stay home, stay in my p.j.'s. I don't feel like trying to find something to wear and getting my hair and nails done so I can feel more confident. Dealing with my #MentalIllness is a daily battle. Can I discipline myself to do this 52 week challenge? Should I push myself to go bring in the #NewYear with my loving husband? Can anyone relate?