I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time. Over the last few months, I've been dealing with some unexplained physical symptoms, and I started seeing a doctor to figure it out. My hands have been constantly swollen, and they get weak and achy with use. I tested negative for RA and the doctor thought that it was just a regular injury that needs to heal since it was brought on by a sports incident. The only problem is it's spread to my feet too and seems to be getting worse, not better. I've been crocheting more lately and had to stop because my hands were getting so swollen and weak, and I had to stop running because my feet couldn't take it. So here I am trying to juggle the anxiety of it all while also trying to control my urge to self-harm through agitation of my injuries. On the one hand, I don't want to risk permanent damage, but on the other hand, I want it to be "serious enough" to warrant a second look by the doctor. On the third hand, I'm just miserable and aggravating its beats cutting myself over the thought of never getting to do anything that I love ever again.
I go back to the doctor in a couple of days to check-in and I'm thinking about the reality of how long these things take to diagnose and sort through a proper treatment plan. I told myself when I first went in that I just needed to tell the doctor what was going on and he would figure it out easy-peasy. I'm struggling to still trust the doctor, but thinking about the long road ahead has got me struggling not to spiral. I have been making some progress with TMS for my depression so it felt like I was finally getting better, and now there is this. I just feel awful about it all.
#Depression #Anxiety #newdiagnosis #ChronicIllness #lost #Doctors