I‘m 26 now and still #single. I‘ve never been in a #relationship . Sometimes I wonder what‘s wrong with me. Then it hits me: I‘m just crazy, that‘s why. I was in love #Love with somebody when I was 15 but got #rejected. It took me over 2 years to get over that. I‘m not even sure if it was him I couldn‘t get over or the fact that I‘ve been rejected.
My #Depression and #Anxiety always kept me from trusting people to the fullest. Of course there were also other things that contributed to my #trustissues with past friends. But before that I already couldn‘t and didn‘t want to open up that much. I had the feeling I was always just scraching on the surface. I didn‘t and still don’t like talking that much about my feelings.
Plus I hate being touched. I don‘t really like hugs or being touched, be it accidentally or on purpose. When someone touches my arm or shoulder even just for a moment, my skin tickles and it doesn‘t feel good. Most of the time I flinch. I wonder if people don‘t notice or just don‘t care. Maybe I‘ve become very good at hiding.
Thanks to my #Medication I can now hug at least the people I love and it doesn‘t feel that bad. Sometimes it‘s even pretty good. I think I‘m getting there, step by step. But still I don‘t think I‘ll ever be truely comfortable with touching people. Of course this is also the reason I‘m still a virgin. Sometimes I‘d love to have sex but I don‘t want to be touched or touch someone else. I don‘t even know someone I‘d like to sleep with, most of the time.
Then sometimes I‘m #obsessing over people I don‘t really know. Movie stars from different countries I‘ll probably never meet, the good looking neighbor next door that doesn’t even look at me twice. I fantasize about being in a relationship with them. Sometimes I can‘t even sleep because my thoughts just won‘t shut up, even though I know this isn‘t real and certainly unhealthy.
Can anybody relate to that? How are you making relationships work when you don‘t like being touched or opening up? This is a mystery I couldn‘t solve yet. Now I‘m not even sure if I could even love someone again. How do you do that?