I. Am. So. Angry. I have Complex PTSD and anger is one of my top 3 symptoms. I am an angry person in general- I think so anyway. I try to be logical about it and rationalize it away. I try to rid myself of this anger with sheer willpower. Yeah no. Not so much. My anger often turns into rage- which is VERY different than anger. With rage- all you see is red and anyone in your way will be verbally demolished. Then of course later you think about it and feel horrible. But that's what it is.
I am going through a hellish situation with the "landlord from hell". We've all heard those stories, and mine is one of them. Anyway, I'm also dealing with moving in a very short plan without much of a plan- and I have to have a plan- so my level of discomfort is unbelievable.
But the anger I feel. I feel it, obviously because of my situation at home and moving and my landlady. But today at work, I became angry at EVERYTHING. Everyone was pissing me off. Like a domino effect. I am angry because of my housing situation, but somehow that knocked another time that I was angry, and a time before that, and a time before that. Like- everything that has ever made me angry somehow is all at the surface, at once. I am not angry at every single person I know. My family (that's another animal), EVERYONE I work with. The guy at the grocery store 2 weeks ago. My doctors. My entire life. I've been this angry so many times, but I've never had it metastasize in this way. Spill over into every aspect of my life to where I hate everything and everyone.
This is really just an observation. But I am just really surprised at my feelings, although this situation is so, so difficult and I am navigating the waters alone. And I'm 36 now, and only just now discovering I'm an actual adult, and not just an extension of my grandmother who raised me. So I've got a lot on my mind.
I'll let this anger exist and not fight it and let it flow through me ( I say this now but if I spill a glass of milk or accidentally hit my foot on the door tonight I'm going to fly in a rage and all of this idealistic talk will just fly out the window ) . That's the thing with CPTSD. In many ways you don't know what's coming- you don't always know how you'll react to various stimuli. I. Am. So. ANGRY. #CPTSD #anger #Outofcontrol #Rage #symptoms #Trauma #realizations #vulnerability