Don't take my diagnosis from me
I wonder if anyone else was actually relieved at their MDD diagnosis? I mean I wasn't happy (I'm depressed, after all), but it seems to make so much more sense than just thinking I was such a failure at being happy for so long (35+ yrs?). The episodes have come and gone. And gotten worse. This one seems to be subsiding now.
Of course, now the anxiety kicks in - in my follow up appt are they going to take my diagnosis from me before I even get to explore it? Will I have some good days between now and then and they'll be like "why did you make up that story and fake cry all over us last time when you're obviously fine?"
My precious diagnosis.
I don't know what better is. I know what worse is, and getting that diagnosis actually has helped me out of some worseness. Does that make sense to anyone else?
But I kept having episodes and I kept coming back to therapy and I kept not knowing why.
Until 5 minutes with one BHP after one PHQ-9 questionnaire I took at a PCP visit to fulfill promises made under duress to my family that was not mental health related.
And now I hope I can begin the process of understanding better who I've been most of my life. If I get the right therapist. If I stick to it. If there's anything to understand. If I live long enough.
I hope so. I hope there's something worth the effort on the "other side". It's way easier just "being happy with being unhappy". I'm great at it. Until I'm not.