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Don't take my diagnosis from me

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Diagnosis #finally #WhatNow

I wonder if anyone else was actually relieved at their MDD diagnosis? I mean I wasn't happy (I'm depressed, after all), but it seems to make so much more sense than just thinking I was such a failure at being happy for so long (35+ yrs?). The episodes have come and gone. And gotten worse. This one seems to be subsiding now.

Of course, now the anxiety kicks in - in my follow up appt are they going to take my diagnosis from me before I even get to explore it? Will I have some good days between now and then and they'll be like "why did you make up that story and fake cry all over us last time when you're obviously fine?"

My precious diagnosis.

I don't know what better is. I know what worse is, and getting that diagnosis actually has helped me out of some worseness. Does that make sense to anyone else?

I couldn't claim depression before because.. I don't know why. My previous therapists didn't diagnose depression before because... maybe because I didn't have weight gain/loss?

But I kept having episodes and I kept coming back to therapy and I kept not knowing why.

Until 5 minutes with one BHP after one PHQ-9 questionnaire I took at a PCP visit to fulfill promises made under duress to my family that was not mental health related.

And now I hope I can begin the process of understanding better who I've been most of my life. If I get the right therapist. If I stick to it. If there's anything to understand. If I live long enough.

I hope so. I hope there's something worth the effort on the "other side". It's way easier just "being happy with being unhappy". I'm great at it. Until I'm not.

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Normal MRI… what now?

My MRI results came back as normal & ENT have discharged me.

I’m not quite sure what to do. Does this mean I have to deal with migraines for the rest of my life now? My hearing randomly going? The pain and mental attacks from the increases during colds etc?

I know, I should be grateful that it’s normal. But I’m just feeling lost and frustrated. There’s no plan now other than just having to deal with it.

#Sinus #ent #MRI #symptoms #ChronicPain #ChronicMigraines #Hearing #MentalHealth #Feelinglost #normal #WhatNow

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I 'very hit a "rock" in the road. #lost #stopped in my tracks#WhatNow

I got sick following a fall in a parking lot . It wasn't my fault, but the following week I had
Cellulitis- a tough case. Now due to my UColitis,I am on the alert for CDiff...😳#klutzy #southpaw #doomed

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With all this negativity in the world now, how do you keep it together? I’m a counselor and I help my clients keep it together but why can’t I?

#Depression #Outofcontrol #WhatNow #stopthinking


The void

Oct 2. 4 years ago I lost my reason. He died a horrific death. And I am flooded with flash backs, and his screams this week. So much, too much, I can’t even put into words. This time last year. My other reason, was being torn apart by our healthcare system, and a disease that robs more than I can put into words. And then she died Nov 26. A death caused by neglect. A horrific way she died. And again. Flash backs. And so much more that is too painful to put into words. I’m remembering horrible moments that happened to me in college, and afterward. I can’t afford a therapist. My husband tells me, “Why can’t I just get over it, and why am I acting so weird let’s just talk.” I’m stuck. I’m numb. I’m exhausted. Help me. #WhatNow #PTSD #panic

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Oh my goodness I’m so scared

My legs just gave out from underneath me, they didn’t quite go numb, but they went unstable and I went down, right in front of my son. He has his last test tonight to graduate from high school and he had to leave worrying about me and what just happened. I’ve tried so hard to just deal with the really bad stuff by myself because so far I could, now I’m scared that a whole new level of something is going on. I’m the supporter for this family, my husband can’t work and thankfully is receiving disability, but what happens if I suddenly can’t either, that isn’t the plan, this isn’t the plan, none of it. I’m sick of people it believing me and thankful they are not seeing it first hand... now I’m just scared. #Fibromyalgia #WhatNow #Depression #PanicAttack