Panic Attacks

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Whenever I have a panic attack I take a shower. So my brain associates showers with bad stuff. So when I get done I usually feel drained and yucky. Also I usually end up sweating for an hour after the shower. Like lots of sweat.

I am going out today to get my hair cut. I took a shower a half hour ago. When I got done I felt really good. And I didn't sweat at all. I keep thinking about how good I'll feel once my hair is short and I can spike it up. I'm so happy.


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April 11th, 2024 Review + Thoughts

Today was rough and got progressively worse throughout the day unfortunately.
I was exhausted and felt like I couldn’t even have the strength to move when I woke up,
It’s partly my fault as I pushed myself too hard yesterday.
So the start of my day was met with immediate exhaustion even after sleeping but not like a morning tiredness,
This fatigue had a strength to it that was rather more severe than normal but it seems my fatigue is getting worse but periodically as I go to sleep and wonder how much energy I will have when I wake up.
If I even have the strength to get out bed on time.
It’ll happen without a direct reason at times as well.
Besides my fatigue my day got a little better as I was in an okay and a good mood when I finally got out of bed which was really late.
I was feeling alright and was going to do something fun.
But then a wave of sadness and anxiety washed over me after my traumatic stress got triggered by loud noises again that sounded very similar to what I heard when experiencing the traumatic event.
My mood immediately shifted as I recoiled back from my happy mood to some place else.
Sad, anxious, and alone.
I managed to calm myself before I could have a panic attack using coping skills but this sadness was so heavy it absorbed all my happiness like a sponge.
I was anxious as I then isolated myself away from others because of the heavy sadness and the uneasy feeling I was experiencing.
This flashback was a bit different than the others as the others are more intense and very vivid with what I start to see.
But for this flashback my surroundings were a little seen as the environment of the traumatic event but not nearly as heavy as what I would call an emotional flashback.
Feeling the same emotions and hurt I experienced like I was reliving it.
It was more the emotions I relived and not the sight or sounds.
It just really ruined my attempt of trying to make my day enjoyable.
So for the rest of the day I just isolated myself; still feeling those emotions.
But then my stomach starts hurting really bad and I was feeling nauseous and a bit lightheaded out of nowhere as I sweated a bit.
It came and went about three times lasting 30 minutes each before I finally got some peace.
As I’m typing this my energy is just really low and I can’t type anymore.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 🦋
#MentalHealth #InflammatoryBowelDiseaseIBD #CrohnsDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain

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Sinking- A Feeling thats Natural with Depression

A few weeks ago, I struggled with depression. I had weaned myself off my meds hastily. Well, for the past 2 years since my diagnosis I felt fine. I was doing better than I had imagined. I recently started a new job, in an industry I loved. I was happy. I was alive and it felt great to be alive. I felt my life was moving back on track and, I was glad I was back to my old self again. What I didn't realise is how quickly all of that would end for me, the happiness that is.

My body shut down. I was at the gym and experienced a panic attack instantly. The calm I had known, became a raging storm. It was the feelings of inadequacy, an overwhelming sense of emptiness that engulfed me and it was the constant thoughts of doubt that flooded my mind. I felt extremely empty and fatigued. I knew two things:

If I relapse now, I will potentially have to be readmitted. I just started a new job and relapsing isn't a great impression when you trying to impress a new employer. I can fight this. I may not win the battle instantly, but small steps daily to deal with my triggers including; reaching out for assistance and taking my meds can make the journey easier for me. I need to realise it is okay to seek and ask for help. The challenge I have found with battling depression is trying to convince myself out of the existence and destructive nature of a reality I create in my mind. Which is often flawed compared to my present life and reality I live in now. I also am trying to learn to be kinder to myself and listen to my body more.

I have gone back to my meds, I realised that because I experience days when I am "happy", they are often far and few when I decide to actively go against doctor's orders by not taking my medication. It is okay not to be okay, but sinking a ship which can be saved is not worth it.

#MightyMinute #DistractMe #CheerMeOn #MightyPoets #CheckInWithMe #Journaling #Depression

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I have this panic attacks about my life and i want to find a solution for it can anyone help me ?

Hi I was thinking what will happen after we go to Canada and suddenly, I understand that I don’t know what I want to do or what will happen in future.

I don’t know if I will become a Doctor or a biologist or nothing at all. I am scared. I don’t know what I should do. I feel alone and terrified. When I think about the future I want to smoke, drink and forget about it but I think if I want to achieve my dream with high expectation, I have to become stranger on my own not with smoking or drinking. So Elahe gave me this idea to right down my thoughts and now I am here righting about my fears and dreams but what will happen is a mystery, I remembered that master Ogvey once said past is history, future is a mystery but present is a gift that’s why its named present.

Now one of my fears is about my job, I am currently study MCAT books whit this vague hope that one day I can inter medical school and become a very well surgeon. You know this thought give me hope but someday I think it is false hope it not real and it is something stupid because I have this beautiful wife and I want to see the world with her be beside her and in this pass to becoming a doctor. I think it is not fair to her I have to be a better husband, beside that it is really hard and I am struggling with it, it is going really slow so what should I do about money or house or travel what should I doooooo.

I know what I want but some time I start to think maybe I am rung just like a lot of thing that I have been rung about it so far. I have this acceptance in MBA from a well university in Vancouver so I think maybe I should study in this filed become an expert in it and leave study for medicine. Maybe it is better for me and my wife, better money, sooner achievable, better life style and more time for my personal life.

Exactly at this moment I panic I feel the world is collapsing I can`t breathe, I don’t know what should I do. I am just wandering in this world without any idea what to do with my life how make money and how find my way and I am alone at the end when I found myself in this hole I turn to smoking and drinking and when I calm myself I talk to myself I said don’t worry everything will be ok just do what you love to do just live in the moment you love to study for MCAT do it, you want to go on a travel with your gorges wife do it, so after 3 or 4 days of smoking and drinking and talking to myself I start from beginning and repeat this cycle all over again.

I am stuck and I don’t know what should I do and my visa doesn’t come. I just don’t want to repeat this cycle again I am tired. I want to improve; I want to have a goal that make me exited.

But how ….


Why today

I’ve been having good few days and last night I felt my depression coming strong and my anxiety and panic attacks and I tend to hide or sleep on the couch because I don’t want to ruin my husbands sleep and don’t want my kids seeing me going through it but it’s so hard to keep hiding or find alone time while I’m going through this…. I need help finding a different way to handle myself when my episodes come…. 😢😢

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