Panic Attacks

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Rehab is around the corner #Addiction #BPD #Depression #Cancer #Migraine #Isolation

It have been working with my local drug service provider since last September, with the intention of getting the funding to go to residential rehabilitation for my 33 year long addiction to cocaine, and alcohol, which accompanies my drug use.

I received the funding a couple of months ago and am due to go to rehab early next month for six months. This seems like a long time, but 33 years of addiction is also an extremely long time, so I have been told that I will need the full package of care, in order to address my life long addiction issues.

I have managed to tell the majority of my friends and family about what is happening, and they have all been incredibly proud and supportive of what I'm doing.

My daughter was the catalyst for me seeking help in the first place, because my drug use was affecting her mental health adversely, and she had started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks as a result of my continued using.

I am 100% committed to my recovery, and I will do everything and anything I can to ensure I am successful. The cost of the rehab, which is payed for by taxpayers contributions is not something I take lightly. I respect the fact that people have worked hard to allow me this opportunity, and if I wasn't ready for it, or had doubts that I might fail, I would continue working with the drug service until I felt ready to deal with rehab.

I feel extremely grateful, and lucky that I have been offered this opportunity. I realise that there are many people who may have applied for funding to go to residential rehab, but been turned down.

I am fortunate that this was never a question for my particular case, because my addiction, and dual diagnosis of depression and bpd, combined with a past involving sexual abuse, rape, incest, childhood abandonment and a childhood environment in which I was never validated or praised for any of my achievements, are all mitigating factors that led me to seeking drugs as a way of self medicating in order to suppress these painful emotions.

I'm going to a rehab which specialises in focusing on trauma as it's main approach to dealing with addiction. I specifically asked not to go somewhere that uses the 12 step recovery model, because I have been to CA and AA meetings many times before, and never found them that helpful.

So I'm hopeful that this approach will help me to work through my past trauma, connect with the feelings and emotions that I have buried deep inside, and understand myself and the reasons why I have lived my life with an addiction for all of these years.

My drug counsellor told me something that was a bit of an epiphany last week. She said that it's great that I have all the logical and intellectual ability to understand myself and the reasons for my addiction, but I need to go and do the work to connect the emotional aspect of this to the equation. Something that hadn't occurred to me before. It makes perfect sense, and is clearly why I have remained stuck for so long.

I hope to be able to write about my journey during rehab. So please connect with me, as I share my experiences going forward.

Thanks 👍

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My PTSD story.

The symptoms I experienced along my 50 year PTSD journey (so far):

- Childhood bed wetting

- Heart palpitations and arrhythmia

- Constant anxiety and fear

- Inability to connect

- Visual flashbacks (3 distinct images)

- Panic attacks

- Dizzyness and fainting spells

- Vision migraines

- Light sensitivity

- Sound sensitivity

- Emotional dis-regulation

- Dissociation

- Sleep paralysis

- Sleep walking

- Nightmares and violent dreams

- Night terrors and animated sleep

- Obstructive sleep apnea (10 years)

- Vagal freezes/shutdowns while driving

- Nighttime body spasms

- 10 to 30 daily neurogenic tremors - Been shaking for 18 months now...

- Leg Length Discrepancy and right hip pain caused by Psoas constriction

- Chronic upper back and neck pain due to Leg Length Discrepancy

- Temporary loss of function in right arm

- Every IBS symptom in the book

- A sudden loss of 25KG (55lb) over 3 months

- Sudden hair loss

- A loss of confidence in my ability to perform simple tasks

When you write it all down it looks pretty obvious right?

But when it's all you have ever known then you adapt and get on with life... Until your body decides it has had enough of compensating.

Just posting this in the hope it helps someone else identify this insidious condition.#PTSD

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Why does my mom treat me like garbage

I don’t know why my mom hates me so much. I’ve done nothing to her. I’ve finished raising my brother who has asd when he was sixteen and when I was eighteen when she decided to move out with her boyfriend and live 2 hours away. I was forced to sign a contract because her boyfriend got the money to buy me a car because I had an accident and I’m grateful for that but he demanded to know my pay schedule from work I didn’t want him to know my payment schedule I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to either of them. I get paid an extra week in August and I didn’t want to pay my moms boyfriend three times in one month I wanted that extra paycheck to put away because in the contract I’m also being forced to save a thousand dollars in eight months. I can’t reason with either one of them. They’re both narcissistic and I knew if I brought it up they would demand that I pay them three times a month. I had a panic attack and my mom told me to stop acting like a baby because I’m almost twenty six. I don’t understand why she hates me I haven’t done anything wrong I just don’t know why she treats her daughter like this

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Something unfortunately has changed for me, I can't figure out what.
Everything was fine until I was home for a week when my mother started apologizing for various things that traumatized me when I was a child. Now it seems that my dad it’s following the same path that my mum used to treat me in the past and it’s just sad

This week, out of five days of work, I haven't slept more than two hours a night, barely even that.

I'm fed up!
Besides having this wretched ulcer on my right leg and my life being a misery for the past two years, this is something that is hopefully going to heal. I’m tired of the daily pain, even with pain medication, it's the same pain, just reduced by about 2... if the pain is at a 9 now, after taking the medication it's at a 7, but let's say I've gotten used to it.
The medical system in the UK is miserable, all compassion for NHS staff but still it’s a joke, I've been waiting for a dermatology appointment for almost two years, now they say there are still 20 weeks left or maybe more, nobody knows anything.
But let's say that's not the problem, maybe it is a problem because I'm just fed up.

I think I broke my soul again and my brain again, I have anxiety attacks again and panic attacks, I'm stressed, I think.
I don't know what to do, I think I'm on the edge of doing something stupid and creepy, I don't know, maybe I'm just tired and I don’t want to keep fighting.
But I’m afraid of myself, I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts, that’s a sure thing.

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Needing to find the strength to stay here

Wish i could end this , the sadness , loneliness and deep emptiness i feel some days and the flashbacks, voices and panic attacks on other days. It gets harder to get up and carry on day after day. My son is going on holiday. Maybe now would be a good time. Then he wouldn't be the one to find me so i would spare him that. I have a plan. I know exactly how to do it. It would be easy - But I just sit here crying - I am remembering when i fell a few weeks ago, hit my head really bad and bleeding all over the pavement, i lay their looking at my youngest daughters face. The scared worried look, her eyes, staring at me filling with tears but trying hard to not let it show. How can i sit here contemplating death by my own hand. So selfish to think that, to put my children and grandchildren through that. I don't really remember my grandad i was too young when he took his own life, he lost his battle to live. I wish i could talk to to him, to ask him does he look down on his family and regret what he did . Maybe he doesn't see us, maybe he is in hell. I don't want to go there i don't want to suffer after death as well.
#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts

149 reactions 16 comments

CPTSD. New Psychiatrist. Abilify

I am a recovering addict with CPTSD and GAD. I've been on Clozapam since 2008. I changed to a self pay Psychiatrist because the non profit that accepts Medicaid got new managers who began trying to phase out controlled substances with patients. The 0.5 milligrams of Clozapam is and has been the only medication that has ever helped.
The new Psychiatrist prescribed me Abilify. I do not have a history of Schizophrenia, ADHD, Autism or Depression. And I do not like talking mood altering substances any more than necessary. My Clozapam use in the NA community is controversial if they do not understand CPTSD.
So I took the Abilify for three days. I was high, I had hardly any impulse control, aggressive. High energy so very productive lol. Anxiety was high but it felt numb. Panic attack each day. I've read ( only on Google) so you know how that can be. All I can about this drug as well as Serotonin and dopamine levels ect ect.
I can't decide if I want to keep taking this. If I should wait until the drug levels out. I feel frustrated the only taking Clozapam isn't good enough for the doctors. I've thought about lying and telling them I'm taking the Ability but that's just not me. And to me that's addict behavior just to keep my Clozapam script. Clozapam helps control my anxiety and panic attacks, sleep, agoraphobia. It's not a fix all. I still have to practice coping skills and mindfulness. But I'm not drugged.
I don't know what decision to make. I'm scared to tell this to my new Dr as I don't know her well enough yet. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you.

6 reactions 3 comments

Back to Church #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety

Two weeks ago, I made it back to church for the first time in years. I walked there alone, and listened from the foyer. I felt so peaceful and happy to be back. But at the same time, it was hard. My childhood friends have split off from me and made new friends, and I feel isolated. It was also hard because nobody had ever bothered to ask why I had stopped coming or invited me back. For those of you who haven’t read all my posts, while my family is very religiously active, my mom has a number of chronic illnesses and other undetermined health problems, so she hasn’t been able to go to church for over a decade. My sister has Asperger’s Syndrome as well as extreme anxiety and panic attacks, especially around people who don’t understand her. She has also not been to church for about the same amount of time. However, I still went with my brother throughout my childhood. Then he moved, and a few members I’ve known well practically my whole life offered to take me. Then covid hit, and meetings became remote. Like many, my already existing anxiety became worse during covid. Even once meetings became physical again, I didn’t go. There were a number of reasons, partly anxiety, partly previous bad experiences with members shortly before covid. Then I made it back for a while, but my anxiety became too bad, and I had developed this sense of fearing I would mess something up. I kept failing to make it to church, and the member who had been taking me stopped coming by to pick me up. That was a little more than two years ago. I hadn’t made it back until two weeks ago today. And like I said, the meeting was nice to listen to. But it was hard after that. People began walking out, and I hardly recognized any of them. I’ve become a nobody because of how many new members have moved in since I last came. I wasn’t sure ahere to go for Sunday school, so I kind of just stood around awkwardly hoping to see one of my friends. A few members I know briefly said hi to me, but for the most part, nobody even acknowledged I was there. I didn’t feel wanted. Fortunately, two of my friends found me and took me to the room where we were having Sunday school. On the way there, I passed a number of members I’ve known my whole life who didn’t even glance at me. Sunday school was pretty good, and I added to the discussion more than most of my friends, who tended to be sidetracked on their phones. While I enjoyed being back in church and feeling the goodness of it, it was hard to feel isolated from everyone. I was too depressed to make it back last week, and I stayed up too late trying to distract myself from depression last night. I want to go back, but I also want to feel wanted.

48 reactions 8 comments