CW for abuse, trauma, grief, and suicidal ideation. And since this post has adult topics, 18+ please
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I'm going through what is unequivocally the most difficult period of my life. I've been through a lot, including abuse of all kinds, losses and deaths in the family, and many heartbreaks and disappointments. But this right here, right now, is the worst period of my life. I can say this with certainty. I'm actively suicidal, with a plan, timeframe, intent, etc. But before you tell me to ask a professional for help with that, please know I just was hospitalized for it this month, and it was one of the scariest things I went through. It was violent, inhumane, and traumatizing. I get nightmares about it and sometimes if I see something that reminds me or it, I feel terrified. I will never, ever tell a professional I'm suicidal again. Not while being on Medicaid, at least.
I had been struggling for a long time. One of my particular issues are a terrible response to childhood and adult trauma. For whatever reason, perhaps to gain a sense of safety, security, or control, or love, I seek out abusive men and abusive dynamics. I only do this when I have lost my footing and I'm desperate for all these things — me as I write this post. I've been doing this for years. I guess it feels safe to me. Control feels like protection, abuse feels like love. I feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, and I'm desperate to escape having to control everything. I felt safety with my ex who hurt me, and I don't. So, one struggle I can't stop struggling with is retraumatizing myself and exposing myself to more abuse. I've been doing this since I was thirteen. But really, I've been engaging in this behavior without knowing it since I was in first grade. I'll never forget asking my sisters how they would leave me and abandon me, because somehow being hurt made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Do you see how fucking broken I am? I try to fight against it, but this happens time and time again. It's part of the reason I want to take my life, and plan to act on that..
So, I meet a person, my now ex and still current FP, and he gives this abusive dynamic. But he also gives me love. Love, support, safety, and the most kindness I've ever received from an intimate partner. He intentionally made himself to be an FP of mine (he told me). At first, we were repeating this very abusive dynamic, but then he stopped and no longer wanted to hurt me. After trepidation and protests, I eventually accepted that. And I grew to even want the healing, non abusive love he gave me. I loved him with all my heart, and he loved me. He no longer even wanted to hurt me. He just wanted to love me. I felt so loved, and I was okay with that. For a while, I stopped seeking out abuse, from him, and from anyone else. I wanted to marry him. He told me I was his soulmate, that he would protect me, that I was his special goose. I sought out love and safety and a foundation in this person. I thought everything was okay...but then he tells me no longer wants to be with me...it was heart wrenching. It shattered me. It hurt me so much. It broke my heart because I thought he felt the same as I did...he used to love me, so why didnt he love me any more? Why was I suddenly not worthy anymore? What did I do wrong? He cited it to values. I start looking at all the ways I'm not enough, how my values aren't enough, where I went wrong. Was it because I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, suddenly? Is it because I became Christian? Is it because I'm not acting like I used to, very promiscuous? Is it because you can't hurt me anymore?
But whatever...he continues to treat me like he's my partner still, even though we are friends. He tells me he loves me, he calls me his goose, we talk about the future things we will do together — how we will visit Oxford and his home town and all these things. I want more, but I'm able to pretend we are together because he's treating me like a partner anyways.
He leaves on a week long vacation with his "lesbian" ex, who he waxes lyrical "She's a lesbian" "It's okay if I stay in an Airbnb with her. She's a lesbian. We only dated for a week, eight years ago " and I tell him it hurts me, but I can't control him...
But then he suddenly and point blankly tells me that she suddenly isn't gay anymore and they fell in love with each other. By text. I woke up, and the day was normal. It was sunny, I had just gotten out of a crisis and was looking forward to a hopeful future. And then he slams that on me. So, I'm scrambling...what do I do? How do I navigate the fact that I wasn't prepared for this loss? How do I navigate the fact that he's still my FP? What about the fact he treated me like his partner until now? How do I handle what feels like a betrayal? How do I leave him to protect my dignity? How do I handle the rage inside me? Because truthfully, and I'm speaking candidly here, I've never had this much anger and wrath towards an individual in many, many years. How do I navigate the fact that there's two sides wrestling within me now? There's a part that wants to be kind, forgiving, and merciful. And I try to let that win. I am so careful with everything I say and do. Everything. I never want to cause him any harm. And then there's the part that is full of rage and wrath that shocks me. I find myself thinking things I never imagined I would ever think. I never show that side. I know the tongue is a weapon, and that's not really me. I don't want those things, but it's there. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with..
But the worst is the grief...the betrayal. I sit with a constantly high degree of physical and emotional pain. I'm talking like over a 7 out of a ten. My chest hurts. I experience panic attacks. I have nightmares and crying spells. I binge eating and starve myself. I cope silently. I cry away from others and I try to lean on others for support, but no one wants to sit in the darkness with me. It's all platitudes.
But worst of all, he proved to me a deep seated fear...that only abusers love me. "Normal" people have basically always left me, been incompatible with me, disappeared, had it not work out, or dumped me. But oh no, abusers love me like hell. All I wanted was for someone to prove me wrong, and he didn't. He showed me point blank, with a powerful statement.
I tried to end the friendship but I couldn't go more than a week because I'm still trauma bonded or addicted or attached to him. It's extremely destructive to my self esteem and concept.
I kept trying to use my coping skills, but how do you cope when you're dealing with grief, betrayal, PTSD, OCD, BPD, depression, and suicidal thoughts? If you're me, you shut down. So I returned to my old pattern...I sought out the only people who seem to love me (abusers) and I'm going to starve myself. Maybe to death. I don't know. I'm dying inside.
For a while, I felt like I had hope. But now I feel I can't hang on long enough to see the dawn. I'm a broken person, who can't stop self harming and self destructive behaviors. My biggest supporter is gone. I am reeling in physical and emotional pain. I had a horrible bout of stomach pain twice last week, and I thought I had to go to the hospital. My tremors have gotten so bad. I can't cope. I have panic attacks and I disassociate. I'm terrified. I'm in therapy and with psychiatry but I just have no hope.
I want it to end, and I want to be in a peaceful place with no hurts and no betrayal and no suffering.
#MentalHealth
#Addiction
#Anxiety
#AnorexiaNervosa
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Loneliness
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