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Fear of Flying: In Control In Life, Out Of Control In The Airplane
Fear of flying has historically been very complicated to treat. The foundation for fear of flying is different for everybody and part of treating this is learning each person and their own individual experience with fear of flying (and the various ways to respond to it). Most people with flying anxiety don't tend to find things like prepared videos or apps all that helpful. It's very hard to resolve a complex fear like flying with rational facts about how safe flying is, or using general phobia techniques and expecting it to truly access the depth of a person's fear (and the history behind it).
Most phobias, outside of flying anxiety, involve a sense of control. You can be afraid of snakes, driving, bugs, etc., and with each of these you are still on the ground, with the ability to walk away from the moment if it gets too overwhelming and frightening. Typical phobia and anxiety techniques take for granted this element of control still existing. Being in an airplane and the flying environment is very scary for many people to not have this same sense of control.
If you're wanting to learn more, you're welcome to read through my blog and around the internet about my approach for this issue. For this post, however, I'm going to focus on one type of personality that I've seen struggle heavily over the years with fear of flying:
The person who is in control in their daily lives, and most everything involved in their lives, but filled with anxiety and fear when it comes to flying
For the sake of clarity, each person in this group also comes with their own individual history and experience as well. Not everyone in this group has the same foundation, and their fears with flying don't all play out the same.
People who find themselves in this group often refer to themselves as a "control freak". These people tend to flourish with things they can control. Often the financially successful, or the emotional caretakers, the busy and driven, the high-achieving. If you identify in this group, you may have set routines in your daily life that are comfortable and secure; you can (or at least try to) fix issues right away that present themselves either at work or at home. You may find yourself staying busy however you can, with little time to sit and think. In life, you are in control, and when you come across something that is out of your control, this is okay because you can usually ignore or avoid it.
For people in this group, at least two things can often be difficult: relationships, and fear of flying (there are exceptions, so both may not necessarily apply to you). These are two areas where people who thrive with control often find they have very little control. Combined with this is often trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Again, this may not all apply to every person.
The Vulnerability Of Surrendering Control
When people who are very good at knowing how to be in control in life come up against things that take their own shape, and require emotional flexibility—when you can't just fix the turbulence but have to ride it through—everything can suddenly feel like it's falling apart. When you're in the plane, you can't just leave the plane and you can't stop the turbulence either. This becomes one of the most vulnerable situations for someone who is routinely in control and looks to fix things right away. Having to sit with not being in control and feel incredibly uneasy or even terrifying to the point of panic.
However, this issue isn't as simple as having "control issues". It goes deeper than this. There are reasons that people who are usually in control in life tend to feel the safest when they are in control. This is often because of past experiences that have made uncertain environments feel unsafe, dangerous, and threatening.
The Illusion Of Control, And The Threat Of Sitting In Uncertainty
Every day, we do things in life that could ultimately harm us if things go very wrong. This isn't isolated to the airplane and anxiety around flying. Every time you get in the car, there's no guarantee, but when you're feeling in control of the car, you likely feel safe, no matter how risky driving really is.
When you're used to being in control, or follow a daily life script, and know how to respond in life to the various situations that come up, sitting in the out of control environment can feel like torture. Anything that goes off script—delays, sounds you don't expect, sensations you don't normally experience on the ground, unpredictable people who you don't know around you, emotions you can normally avoid by staying busy, etc.—all can feel threatening. It can feel like the shoe is going to drop and like you're on the verge of catastrophe at any moment. (This can also fuel anticipatory anxiety as a part of you becomes fearful when knowing you're going to enter this kind of environment. The out of control feelings from deeper experiences start to show up when the uncertainty sets in with no quick fix to it).
Fear Of The Flying Environment
When people are afraid of flying, they don't all fear the same parts of flying. However, in this one particular group—the person who is chronically in control in life—the scariest part of flying is often not about actual catastrophe (though for some this is part of it), but rather, the threat is usually having to sit with and feel the fear itself. Not knowing if their emotions—which are usually controlled or avoided—might overwhelm or completely consume them if they don't have room to move. Feeling out of control of the environment is something that brings these often neglected emotions forward, often in the form of panic attacks, or extreme worry and anxiety. This can often be for people who have lived through various types of trauma, or who were raised in a chaotic, abusive, or emotionally neglectful homes where there was an unpredictable parent, or sibling; or someone who's been through bullying, as well.
Surrendering control means vulnerability to harm, not being prepared, and defenseless. In flying anxiety, the airplane environment has a way of tapping into these vulnerabilities. Each person who comes to rely on control as a way of maintaining emotional safety in life develops this mechanism from various experiences, and understanding each person's experience informs what is needed to help be able to surrender control, and to learn to trust that things can still be okay. Maybe not only in flying; maybe also in relationships, and other areas of life too.
It Is Possible To Overcome Fear Of Flying
Flying anxiety and flying phobia impacts many people, and it's not only with the personality I described above. All types of people can be afraid to fly. However, it is possible to overcome this issue. I have seen people do it on a regular basis.
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