Panic Attacks

You know, I completely forgot about this website for a couple weeks or so but I randomly remembered it now, so I'll rant for a while :D.

My left arm hurts endlessly cause no matter how hard I try; I still keep on relapsing. So like it's full of bruises now :/. What I really hate about myself is that when I try to sh and there's no blood (despite using blade) I get really irritated and, therefore, scar myself even more. It really sucks because I'm happy to see the tiniest amount of blood and only regret it 10 minutes later when I actually process all the damage I've done to myself.

I'd say the best alternative to sh is using a pen because the marks don't stay as long. It's actually what I used to do when I was in the middle of class and needed a quick relief from the urges. It was especially bad when exam result season came but at least pen marks disappear after a few days, I guess. Also, rubber bands help ALOT like when I got one it saved me numerous times from relapsing.

The longest I've gone without sh was maybe four days quite a long time ago. There was also a week during which I only did like 2-3 bruises and that was probably the best week in a while :/.

As for my right arm, I've developed a little biting quirk!! (Not really, I've always liked biting things.) Now I'll just randomly put my right hand into my mouth until there's teeth marks on it but it's fine because they disappear after a couple of hours. :)

Something that's really weird is for the past 2 weeks I've had these random panic attacks when I can't breathe, and moments when I'm paralyzed and can't move my legs and arms (I can't move my legs right now) so that's fun, I guess?

Idk how to put this but since I'm venting, I've starting skipping meals again. Nothing much, just whenever I do eat, I feel like a worm is inside me, eating my stomach. Is that weird?

Also, starting from today, I'm going to use a journal to write out my feelings, and I'll cry to my heart's content until I can't anymore.

Omg this is a really long post but thanks for reading.

2 managers had a talk with me yesterday about my attendance.
Because I called in once, and I’ve been late 4 times under 90 days.
Yesterday i accidentally took Trazadone (a sleeping medication for insomnia) instead of my Prozac, I was still waking up and I was in a rush to leave for work that I just took it without thinking. And on my way to work I was very sleepy, my eyes were wanting to close. So I got to work on time and then I headed back bc I was having a panic attack bc I was feeling super drowsy. I got home and that’s when i realized I took the wrong medication. So ofc I called in 2 hours later, and I took a nap for 2 hours and I felt better. Still groggy, but not as much.

The day before yesterday my boyfriend accidentally took my car to work, and mind you he works 30 mins away from home. He couldn’t have brought my car back, and I wasn’t sure if his brother was gonna be able to take me bc he’s known for being unreliable, luckily he did wake up but I had already called in bc I didn’t want to call in last minute.

And yesterday they had a talk with me and I basically felt cornered, and one of the managers told me to get it together after I explained to her that things have been rocky at home, and that it was just not under my control. She even told me “I’m not saying we don’t care but get it together” and I started tearing up. 🥺 the other manager stayed quiet, and didn’t say much, and was nicer but that mean manager threatened me to fire me, if I’m late on more time or if I call out one more time. The nicer manager told me my work ethic is good but that it won’t matter if I keep showing up late or calling off. I explained to them that it was just unpredictable , but they didn’t seem to care.

It made me so sad. And I was in a bad mood all of yesterday, and every time I go through something I always feel like I’m the only person in the world to have ever experienced this. I always feel so alone in my feelings, maybe bc I feel my feelings too much.

I’m not looking for advice unless you have some. I ofc take full responsibility for my actions, and my time. I know I can only just make sure to be there on time and show up everyday im scheduled.

But I just want to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. 😔

#MentalHealth #CheerMeOn #MightyTogether #Insomnia

I wish all attractive men that I would like are all madly attracted to me forever and always treat me the way I desire

#CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #PanicAttack #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Schizophrenia #SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD

I wish all attractive men that I would like are all madly attracted to me forever and always treat me the way I desire

#CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #PanicAttack #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Schizophrenia #SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Bipolar2 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD

I am close to 30 and never had a boyfriend. I hope that if I ever meet the one that it is someone I am attracted to right off the back. Please don’t comment saying to not judge my looks because that is annoying. I know my type and what I like & I hope to always get it.

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether #Disability #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #Bipolartype2 #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #PanicAttacks #Psychosis #Suicide #Selfharm

I had a big meltdown. I returned to the narrow closet again. (I do it often). But this one was bad, I kept banging the back of my head against the wall. But they told me earlier this week that I'll be transferred Thursday, today they told me Friday. Why did they change I hate that. I refused the meds and I was obviously not communicating nor cooperative with them. I'm tired of all of it.

They couldn't handle it, they were being touchy and I hate that. They were so mad.

Banging my head gave me a migraine. No meds help me and it last for days.

My S thoughts aren't disappearing. They never disappear, they're always here since I was a little kid. My anxiety won't leave me too and it's tiring. I constantly feel like I'm being watched, on listening. Everywhere I go I need to search for hidden cameras, micro, people etc. I can't help it. This feeling is so strong I'm exhausted.

They don't want me to die but they don't help me to like be alive.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PanicDisorder #PanicAttacks #EatingDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #Migraine #AutismSpectrumDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation