Panic Attacks

Hi, my name is Maissaabz. I'm here because i have been suffering from panic attacks and physical symptoms for seven years

#MightyTogether

For years, I thought I was just “too sensitive.”

I blamed myself for struggling to focus, for my poor memory, and for the anxiety that seemed to follow me everywhere.

At 18, during college, I had what I thought was a heart attack.

Sudden dizziness.

Panic.

A deep fear that I was dying.

But the hospital said everything was normal.

Blood tests, ECG — all clear.

I was told:

“You're just stressed.”

I wanted to believe them.

But something inside me knew… it wasn’t just stress.

Childhood: My Silent Beginning

I grew up in a home filled with emotional tension, financial problems, and arguments. As a child, I didn’t understand what trauma meant — but I was living in it. My mind stored every fear, every scream, every moment of shame.

In school, I faced judgment, discouragement, and emotional isolation. I commuted in overcrowded buses, studied while facing constant comparison and shame, and heard discouraging words from many directions.

No one saw what was happening inside me.

I didn’t even understand it myself.

Age 18 to 27: A Decade of Silent Suffering

After that first panic attack, the symptoms kept coming — but in strange ways that didn’t always make sense:

I would feel like I was watching myself from outside.

My awareness would “slip” for a few seconds or minutes.

I’d have sudden episodes of fear, dizziness, or numbness.

My memory was getting worse.

Learning anything new took so much effort.

My body would feel different — like I wasn’t fully in control.

I had shame I couldn’t explain. Guilt I didn’t deserve.

I asked myself questions like:

“Why is my brain like this?”

“Why can’t I think clearly like others?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

No one had answers.

Even I didn’t.

Looking Back Hurts

Now, I’m 27. And sometimes it hurts to think:

“What if someone noticed earlier?”

“What if I got the right help when I was a child?”

“Could my life have been easier?”

Maybe I wouldn’t have blamed myself so much.

Maybe I would’ve believed in my abilities.

Maybe I would’ve stopped hiding my struggles.

The Diagnosis That Changed My Life

After another overwhelming episode, I finally got an EEG and an MRI.

And that’s when I got the diagnosis:

Mesial Temporal Sclerosis (MTS)

A structural brain condition where part of the hippocampus (mine was on the right side) is damaged or smaller. It affects memory, emotion, and behavior.

Complex Partial Seizures

Neurological episodes that don’t look like the typical “seizure” you see on TV. Mine would come as dream-like disconnections, unusual physical sensations, confusion — and for years, they were invisible to others.

I wasn’t “too sensitive.”

I wasn’t weak.

I was living with a neurological condition no one could see.

💪 I Survived What I Didn’t Understand

In those 10 years of silent suffering, I still:

🎓 Completed my Undergrad

🎓 Finished my MCA

💻 Became a Mobile App Developer in the IT field

I worked hard — harder than most, because my brain was fighting a silent battle every day.

And yet… I made it this far.

💬 A Letter to the Person I Was (and Maybe Someone Reading This)

Dear Me,

You’re not broken.

You never were.

You were simply surviving something you didn’t yet understand.

You lived with invisible trauma, silent seizures, and misunderstood emotions.

And still — you kept going.

Now that you finally know the truth…

Now, real healing can begin.

You are brave.

You are not alone.

And if someone else out there feels the same way:

Please don’t give up. Keep searching for answers.

You deserve to be heard. You deserve peace.

— Me, Age 27

🧠 Final Thought

To anyone living with anxiety, strange mental experiences, confusion, or emotional overwhelm — especially when tests come back “normal” — don’t give up.

Sometimes the problem isn’t just emotional. Sometimes it’s neurological.

You are not imagining it.

You are not weak.

You are just waiting to be understood.

You’re not alone.

#complexpartialseizure #MentalHealth #SeizureDisorder

Hi.

I am currently working on learning to relax.

Like truly learning to LET myself relax. This isn’t about the skills. I know “what to do.” My brain just doesn’t let me.

I just recently found out that I “likely have POTS” and I have had chronic migraines for years (currently disabled ). I just kept doing stuff because I didn’t want to miss out on living my life and being outside. This is the first summer I’m trying to listen to my body and stay out of the heat until I really know what’s going on and what works to manage symptoms enough so I don’t flare up. But it’s hard for my adhd and panic attacks.

The thought challenging of that guilt or sadness about missing out is really hard. I know it won’t be this way forever, but it’s hard right now.

#AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome
#Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder #ADHD #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I had a meltdown because of all of this negativity from my mother, anxiety and all. It was too much. I stayed in my closet + blanket from 9:30am to 1:10pm. The nurses were looking for me and they were really anxious and worried but I couldn't unhide. I couldn't press the button to call the nurses. I just hid as I always do... I didn't even ate..

One of the nurses were really "heartbroken" I think because he tried to befriend me the past few days..

I just keep thinking what if my mother is the one in the truth ? What if I'm imagining everything? What if I just want to draw attention to me ?

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #PanicAttack #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

I had a meltdown because of all of this negativity from my mother, anxiety and all. It was too much. I stayed in my closet + blanket from 9:30am to 1:10pm. The nurses were looking for me and they were really anxious and worried but I couldn't unhide. I couldn't press the button to call the nurses. I just hid as I always do... I didn't even ate..

One of the nurses were really "heartbroken" I think because he tried to befriend me the past few days..

I just keep thinking what if my mother is the one in the truth ? What if I'm imagining everything? What if I just want to draw attention to me ?

#MentalHealth #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Autism #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PanicAttacks #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #PanicAttack #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

I like it here. I love the nurses and people in this clinic.

My friend visited me this weekend it was so good I needed that.

Why ?

My mother went too far this time..

I hate her I hate everything and I'll never be able to recover because of her.

I don't know why it affected me somehow, but I jeep having panic attacks, migraines etc juste because of her.

#SuicidalThoughts #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #EatingDisorder #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

At night, the world changed.

The sun would set, and with it, any sense of safety I had managed to gather during the day would fade. I remember the way the darkness seemed to settle in my chest before it filled the room. I knew what was coming. I always knew.

I was just a child, but I learned how to lie with my face. I smiled at breakfast. I made my bed. I got good grades. I played the part. But my body held the truth. It remembered the silence, the weight, the fear that crept in after everyone else had gone to sleep.

No one noticed. Or maybe they did and chose not to ask. I became very good at disappearing while standing right in front of people.

I tried to pray it away. I thought if I were good enough, faithful enough, obedient enough, it would stop. I read scriptures under my blanket. I begged God to make it end. But the nights kept coming.

And then one day, they didn’t.

Eventually, life changed. I grew older, moved away, and tried to forget. I built walls so high I couldn’t hear myself think. For a while, I believed I was fine. Strong, even. But the body doesn’t forget. It speaks in panic attacks, nightmares, sudden tears, numbness. I didn’t understand at first. I only knew I was tired in a way sleep couldn’t fix.

It took years before I could even begin to say it aloud—to name what happened without shrinking under the weight of shame. In therapy, I learned to sit with the girl I used to be. I told her I believed her. That it wasn’t her fault. That she didn’t do anything wrong.

The truth didn’t break me. Hiding it did.

Now, when the lights go out, I am no longer afraid of the dark. It’s taken time, and work, and softness I never thought I deserved. But I am healing. I am here. And every day I reclaim a little more of the peace that was stolen.

I don’t need to whisper anymore.

What happened to me matters.

And I am finally learning that I do too.

Or maybe I'm neck deep in one right now. I got something sticky on my hands from my vape. The wrap was coming off cuz the vape juice seeped under it and the adhesive was oozing out. So I ripped it off and it got really icky. My hands got covered in gross goo. So I wiped them on my shorts... Which then got gross. So I took them off and put on new undies. But I was trying desperately to get the goo off my hands. Pauley looked at me and said what the fuck are you doing? And I tried to explain. But then I was hyper focused on my hands and she thought I was ripping off my nails. I was eyeing my nails and asked her for the nail trimmer. I trimmed my nails a little bit too short. So yeah.
How is your day going?
#PanicAttacks