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My post on Reddit. (Sorry ahead of time for all the sad venting lol)

Sooo I have been dealing with fluid on my heart since February, and it has now spread to my lungs. I'm also in a full-blown lupus flare and have been for a year. My doctors are talking about having me try Cytoxan treatments. I haven't had this treatment since I was first diagnosed, so this is hard on me. I remember how brutal it was on my body. My mental/emotional state has been slowly going downhill because of all these issues. I'm in so much pain and things are only getting worse from what it seems like. I want to cry and scream because of it all but I'm trying my best to remain positive for my parents, brother, and friends but it's so hard. I'm constantly cracking jokes to keep myself okay since humor is how I cope. My body is weak at this point and my brain fog is hitting me hard. I just feel like I can't handle any more of this but I know it'll be okay eventually. Times like these is when I wish I could be a healthy 19 year old.. I can't even talk or laugh for more than 3 minutes without my heart rate going up to the 130s - 160s and having trouble breathing. My doctors told me that I almost died from all this twice...TWICE!Everything fucking sucks right now but I have to try to keep going and be positive for myself and everyone around me. #Pain #breakingpoint #scared #iwanttocry #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Fluid #Reddit