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Heeeyyy, #alive still...

I just woke up from overdose and first thing imma do is post it here, 😆 this morning ive grewn tired of everything and drank what remains of my sleeping pills and i felt the hurling and convulsing. Then i lost it. I woke in the hospital bed with a crying friend beside me. I had some company some friends and coworkers and my head is still blank and cant hear them. Then police came asking me questions, and i told them "i'm just tired, i just wanna end things"
Doctors recommend psychologist, and bluntly told them " i cant afford their fee" My friends say "you can talk to us" nobody understands this feeling. It's s so empty yet its just so exhausted and angry. Why cant i just sleep forever?

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I’ve been feeling really stuck and in limbo lately. I no longer have the urge or desire to die but I also don’t have much hope and joy in life or the thought of the future either. I just feel like im here, going through the motions. Like, I’m grateful to still be alive and to no longer have the heaviness of suicidal thoughts and death looming over me but im also not particularly happy or joyful to be here, if that makes any sense?
I just wish I knew how to get out of this rut im in. Anyone else ever feel this way? How did you get out of it? #ChronicDepression #Depression #Suicide #Death #Joy #stuck #Limbo #help #alive #Gratitude

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Reborn and the afterbirth #happy #alive #lgbtg #Gay #Divorce #authenticlife #Selfacceptance #Selflove

It's been a hot minute since I've been here, much less posted. I went into a very deep depression and my eating disorder was having fun reaking havic. Both of my therapists colluded and said it was either a residential treatment center or a phych ward because I wasn't eating and didn't care about life. So off I went to Miami, leaving my husband, son, and granddaughters behind again. It was in Miami that I finally found myself, buried under the trauma, familial and societal rules, acnd religious indoctrination of my youth. I had a huge crush on a staff member, my first real crush on a woman. It left me confused, excited, and very curious about what it was I was feeling. So with the help of my therapist I dug deep and finally found myself after 34 years of gestation. I was gay, I knew it at 14 and buried it, but now I was no longer willing to stay miserable in a hetero relationship, I wasn't going to rebury myself. I was so excited, still am, about exploring myself. I knew this would also be painful, and it has been in some ways. I am getting divorced after 30 years, my son didn't talk to me for 7 weeks, I had to move in with my parents whom don't accept my sexuality but love me, and my oldest granddaughter (4) had really struggled with the separation. And I'm still happier now than I have ever been in my life. I can now say that I love myself and mean it. I'm taking care of myself in ways that I never have before. Most of my depression and anxiety are just background noise most days. I've found healing that has evaded me for 44 years and forgiveness for carrying shame that wasn't mine to carry. I can now proudly stand up and say that I'm Paula, I love myself, I'm proud of who I am, and I am a lesbian. Life is good.

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#Mysuicideattemptanniversary #imhere ##TWLOHA

Hey My mightiest, I just wanted to share that a year ago today, I was at a Low point in my life and I attempted suicide. I felt my head above water...and I couldn't breathe #MySelfharming was getting bad and I felt I was #Relapsing into my #Depression #Codependency . Luckily, I had a sjpport network from my (then Therapist) #RachealDorty she saved my life and my son. That night in the hospital changed my life. I've been through so much and I have been resilient ever since ❤ I just want to help others in need and #spreadawareness about #MentalHealth and support each other and create that #safeplacecommunity . I never imagined I would be Here #alive and I have a beautiful 6 year son that has taught me and is still teaching about life as we experience this journey together. #mom #MyOsiris I love all of you and thank you for letting me #sharemystory ❤💪🏾🔥🙌🏾🙏🏾👊🏾👊🏾


𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞

"all will be alright in time"
maybe when we learned all the #Lessons life teaches us. maybe when we fought strong all the #battles . maybe when we finally stood up from our #fall . maybe that’s the #time we can say “we’re fine”. we’re still #alive after all, a thing to be grateful for. because all our labour is never in vain. and it’s a matter of time and perspective till we get there. so hang on!


When your mind becomes your enemy

*trigger warning*
Fighting #suicidal thoughts just to stay #alive is perhaps the most difficult thing I have had to do. Not sure how much fighting I have left at times #Depression #Anxiety #antidepressantsnotworking



I hate just #Surviving I want to be living and feeling alive not just a presence and #invisible and I hate that people tiptoe around me I know that mental health issues are an #InvisibleDisability but anyone who knows about mine tiptoe around me like I’m a time bomb that could explode and sometimes I feel like one and I just want to feel #alive and #normal