Getting it off my chest
So I was abused at around the age of 9 by my half brother. Not understanding what was happening but trying to shout for help and being smothered with a pillow into compliance. I couldnt explain to an adult as I didnt know how to explain what was happening. I spent years terrified to go to sleep at night and slept in a sleeping bag in my bed. If I woke up I would sneak through and sleep on the floor of my parents bedroom. They divorced and then I slept in my mums bed feeling safer. At age 17 I told her and she said I was selfish for telling her. To protect everyone else, my grandparents and my dad, and my husband who claerly thinks its a shameful thing, altho realises its not my fault, I kept the secret. My relationship with her has been meh and mediocre. My dad was the one that praised me, helped me, was around, phoned when I went to Uni etc, babysat when I had children. My mum once said I didnt need her, I had my dad. When he was dying - 3 years ago now, he asked me to take care of my mum. Then since my stepfather died 2 years ago (we were actually really fond of each other and he hated my brother) and my mum is on her own, I have made the effort to see her every weekend. I phone every 2 days, she is 80. When she goes I will have nothing to do with my brother, its my time to no longer have to pretend everything is ok. I once told an ex girlfriend, and the mother of 2 of his kids of his 20 years ago what happened because he was being abusive to her. But she is one of these loudmouth trouble and drama creating people. When she was diplomatically and politley told my stepfathers funeral was private (because his son and wife didnt want her there saying it would be the NAME show ), she said I was a stuck up bitch, and how she kept my secret all these years (like she was going to tell people). Now my mum is losing weight and has been told she likely has cancer and she wants to change her funeral to an open funeral so this ex girlfriend can go because her daughter, my neice wants her to. I have told my mum of her threats to expose this secret. I dont want my trauma being made into a circus. I dont know if my mum is changing her mind. But I am so ready to be done, old woman or not, I have been nothing but kind to her despite the past. I feel she has never had my back, no loyalty, I have never been able to rely on her. She helped my brother 'because he doesnt have a dad' but left absolutely no room for me. I went to uni, she never praised me, never said I did well, never said she was proud of me. Whilst he was praised for simple things like painting the house, and he has been in trouble with the police, abused girlfrineds etc. This ex of his smarms all around her and my neice is the apple of my mums eye. Im the one though that takes her to appointments and checks she is ok. The one that is always doing the right thing by people. I felt sorry for her, always thought she was a bit depressed but Im just sick of not being considered enough by her.