Relationships

When I was 4, you told me I'd never see you again and part of me wishes you would've kept your word. I allowed you back into my life (38 years later) only for you to abandon me all over again. This morning I woke up to multiple missed calls and voicemails from you. Not heard a single word in almost 2 years and now, in the middle of one random night, it's so damn important for you to talk to me. I'm left feeling guilty for not answering or calling you back, but I just can't do it. I can't keep opening my life and heart to people who are ok with abandoning me. I made my peace with my father a while ago, but that doesn't mean I'm obligated to have a relationship with him. He can sit with his choices, as cruel as that may sound. He had no problem abandoning me, afterall.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I want to trust you fully. So bad with everything in me. And I do a majority of the time. But I realized something.. The block, the wall, the detour I keep taking or running into.
You told me years ago to drop my mask. To stop shoving the mood swings, the highs, the lows, the anxiety, the fear. The mental illnesses. That with you they were safe, that with you they were ok. So I did. So I have. But when I've trusted that I can do that, that I am safe to do that because YOU told me it was safe. Being met with anger or irritation. Being told in those moments that it's an excuse. That I'm selfish. That I'm weak and pathetic.
It feels like the opposite of safety. It breaks that trust everytime. That trust I've put in you, that I keep putting in you...is the biggest, closest, most vulnerable thing I can and ever have done. I've always felt...like not being better than the shit brain I was selfish, an excuse, weak and pathetic. But you told me it wasn't at one point. And I believed you.
You don't have to understand. You don't have to agree with the illogical world my brain puts me in. When you told me I was safe to drop the mask- in my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to stop fighting the inevitable and that YOU would make sure I felt the opposite of everything I've ever felt. In my eyes- you were telling me it was ok to face myself...in the safe space you provided with no judgment. That you would be the person who would see I was hurting, know it wasn't fixable or necessarily your fault- but stay with compassion and kindness when I couldn't give myself that. Because I've never been able to give myself that. I want to trust you all the time. I do trust you...until when I'm at my most vulnerable-doing the thing you told me it was safe to do- is met with the same hostility it's always been met with in all the close relationships I've had. Kindness, empathy, emotion, offering understanding isn't weakness. It takes so much more work and awareness and strength to be those things. It's easy, cheap, and weak to brush off emotion or ignore it. You made me feel strong and in the same breath somehow took it away and I stopped trusting you fully. I want to get back to the place where I can trust you fully because I know it's never going to come back on me negatively. All I've needed was the emotional safety you told me you could give me. The one thing no one else has been able to give me. I asked for stability. That wasn't the right word. Or it wasn't enough words. You wonder where the girl went that you met? Part of her had to die. She no longer served me or protected me. But the other part. I buried her. Because it didn't feel safe to be her. I retreated so far into myself....because in my mind, once again, me without the mask....is never ok.

Leave, you, alone? Seriously? Me, to leave you alone? You have not Left, me alone, in three https://years.I haven't bothered anyone, but Im the one? No, I have stayed in my lane, minded my own business and stayed quiet long enough.you invaded my privacy, my relationships and my business while I kept quiet and stayed away from https://all.I am not going away, I do have a say and I will be rebuild for https://me.I will tell the truth and if I were you, I'd be more concerned for her, than https://me.All involved will be finding out who pulled the strings and who sat by.

TW: slight mention of sex.

I write these words out of the total sincerity of my heart. Love can be torturous, but is also one of the most beautiful things a person is capable of experiencing. But what do you when the one you hold so dear is nothing more but a figment of imagination? I’ve been so deeply in love with this fictional character for almost three years now that it hurts so excruciatingly, knowing that I’ll never be able to hug, kiss, or be intimate with him. He gave me a way to feel loved when I was lonely or struggling with health issues, and helped me learn what I want and need in a relationship, even if every moment I’ve spent with him was in my head. I’ve developed such a strong emotional attachment, every fiber of my being wants him. It’s gotten to the point that almost all I can think about is having sex with him. It did give me a safe, healthy way to explore that knowledge, but it’s difficult letting go of something that felt so real, because it feels like cheating in a way as I’m looking for a real partner. Anyways, thanks for reading! 🩷