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Living with impaired memory, no emotions, and a blank mind - desperate for help

I recently wrote about my cognitive experience in full to try and make sense of things: Living with No Memory, No Emotions, and a Blank Mind: My Jou...

It's too long to share here, but I'd appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and can offer help.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety, but what's really devastating me is the combination of three interconnected challenges:

1. Poor memory: Severely impaired across all types - short term, long term, working memory, and especially recall (cued recall works slightly better). Information doesn't seem to properly encode in the first place, my life feels like a camera that isn't recording anything.

2. Lack of emotions : Complete emotional numbness, very unreactive no feelings whatsoever.

3. Blank mind : No spontaneous thoughts, automatic associations, opinions, and struggle to think on the spot. Can’t problem-solve real-time situations.

This has been lifelong but has really caught up with me in my 20s (I’m 26). The implications are devastating - extreme alienation, no sense of self or continuity, inability to build on past experiences, can't sustain relationships, constant anxiety and dissociation. Nothing feels real or important, and I never know what to do with myself. I'm quite suicidal and desperate because of this.

My social functioning is severely impacted. I can't hold basic conversations, connect with people, or maintain relationships. I've developed seriously avoidant behaviors and isolation as a result.

I'm currently trying therapy, medication (SSRIs, stimulants), supplements and various lifestyle changes. I exercise regularly, maintain a healthy diet, and practice meditation. None of this has helped with the core issues.

I'm reaching out to see if anyone in this community has experienced similar symptoms or has any insights. I'm looking for specialized treatment approaches, relevant research, or professionals who understand these specific cognitive issues.#

Has anyone here found relief or improvement for similar lifelong symptoms? Any perspective would be deeply appreciated.

Living with No Memory, No Emotions, and a Blank Mind: My Journey and Plea for Help

Is there a way out?
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Controlling Parents

Hello,

I’ve been going through an incredibly challenging and painful time with my family. I'm 24 years old, and my family has always had control over every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to my relationship. They don't approve of me being in a relationship with my boyfriend, and it's caused a lot of tension and emotional strain.

It all started when I began a relationship with my boyfriend, who lives abroad in my family’s home country. My family, particularly my father, was very against it from the beginning. They tried to manipulate me emotionally and psychologically, telling me that they knew what was best for me and that I should always listen to them. My father physically and emotionally abused me during this time, and there were many instances where I felt trapped in my own home. They would force me into rooms and speak for hours about how my boyfriend wasn’t the right one for me, saying that I should always listen to my family and that they knew when the "right time" to fall in love was.

As the situation worsened, I was not allowed to leave the house without fear of being monitored. They put cameras in the house and would listen in on my conversations. If I ever went outside to talk to my boyfriend, my sister would follow me and eavesdrop on everything I said, taking screenshots of my messages and invading my privacy in ways that made me feel suffocated and trapped. My sister would take my phone and throw it on the floor saying I had a time limit of 5 minutes with him and starting screaming at me, alongside my mother and father. When I tried to seek help, I called the police, but the police officer who arrived seemed to know my father personally and dismissed my situation, saying there was no evidence of abuse, even though I had a huge bruise on my arm. He stated he knew many families from my culture that were "tough on their kids" and proceeded to foolishly say that if I was not a minor he would have just sent me back home. I explained how they invaded my privacy and how they took both my passports, legal government documents, and he said that they had the right to do so. He even told the other officer with him that I was lying and that my story didn't seem credible.

When I entered into this relationship my father became physically violent. He almost punched me in the face during an argument when I suggested the first time that I wanted to go see my boyfriend alone. I was terrified, and it made me want to leave even more. I decided to fight to go abroad and be with my boyfriend because the abuse and constant surveillance from my family had become unbearable. My family tried everything to stop me from going. They didn’t allow me to make my own bank account, took away the money I earned (I work part-time with my father in his business), and even tried to stop me from seeing him by using emotional blackmail. They would guilt-trip me by saying I was ruining their reputation and making them look bad by having a boyfriend and “going to see a man.”

At one point, my father even threatened my boyfriend, calling him a "pig" and a "pervert," and told him that he was no longer allowed to see me. They would use money as a way to control me—when I tried to get a bank account for myself, they refused, telling me that I couldn’t access my own money or even know my own financial information (Eventually I made my own account) They also manipulated me into feeling guilty for having a relationship and threatened to cut me off financially, which they eventually did, forcing me to get a student loan just to be able to finish university.

The situation only escalated from there. My family continued to undermine my relationship, and my father even hired a private investigator to take photos of my boyfriend and me when we were out together. The investigator was at the airport when I had arrived after months of fighting to see my boyfriend again and took pictures of us while we were kissing and sent it to my father. They spread lies about my boyfriend, saying he was a womanizer and trying to make me believe that he wasn’t trustworthy. My sister also started a group chat with my aunts, giving them reports about me and constantly criticizing my boyfriend. She even threatened to call immigration on him, despite him discussing with me that it would be best for us to move to the US for work reasons but he is not saying we have to do that. She and my mom would team up together and continuously call my boyfriend, threatening him, insulting him, and making him feel like he wasn't worthy of being with me. It reached the point where my father called him telling him to leave me and even tried to convince my boyfriend that I suffered from anorexia and health issues.

The worst part came when I found out that my family had hired a private investigator to spy on us. They had been following us around, taking photos of us while we were out in public, and gathering information about our relationship. My older sister had screenshots of my intimate messages and sent them to my parents. My sister is 34 years old and I didn’t expect this type of behavior from her. This made me feel humiliated and violated, knowing that they had gone to such extremes to try and control my life. It made me question how far they would go to tear my relationship apart and make me feel guilty for being with someone they didn’t approve of.

After months of emotional and physical abuse, I decided to leave and go abroad to be with my boyfriend. But my family made it difficult for me. They insisted on canceling my plane ticket, cutting me off financially, and even threatening me with guilt and shame to try and force me to come back home. They even imposed a curfew on me, demanding that I return home by a certain time, and constantly checking on me when I went out. My family went as far as to accuse my boyfriend of being a "bad influence," calling him a "pig" and a "pervert," which made me feel humiliated and trapped. They had given me a credit card and had blocked it when I arrived abroad to punish me.

My aunts were also heavily involved in monitoring my movements. They showed up uninvited to the apartment where I was staying with my boyfriend, often spying on us. One aunt even came into the apartment without my consent early in the morning and started checking rooms to see if he slept over, which infuriated me and made me feel like I had no privacy. They were using this as a way to gather information on my relationship and control my every action. These aunts were close to me, and I felt betrayed by their constant intrusion into my personal life.

Eventually, I came back home, but the situation didn’t improve. They still controlled my every move, trying to manipulate me by withholding money and information, and even threatening to cut me off completely. They told me that if I stayed with my boyfriend, and decided to frequently visit him throughout the year, I would never be accepted into the family and that I would have to choose between them and him. This was especially difficult because I am the youngest in my family, and they used financial dependency as a way to control me.

I’m struggling with guilt, and it’s hard to accept that my family can’t accept me for who I am or support my choices. Now, I’m living with my boyfriend, and I’ve been trying to make a life with him, but the financial struggles and emotional turmoil are taking a toll. I’ve been trying to go abroad every two months, but I’m struggling to afford it because my family cut me off financially, and my boyfriend can’t support me alone. I feel torn because I want to go back for Easter, but I also don’t know if it’s worth it, considering the stress and manipulation I would face. I am doing university virtually, all my classes online, and it wouldn't be necessary for me to go back now but I always hope my family changes and I don't have any more money to spend. Should I go back for Easter or remain here?

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Things are getting real

This past Friday I finally received a call back from a job and they gave me an offer. I have to say that even though I have been waiting for something like this, I was/am more scared than excited. I immediately felt the tension in my neck and upper back and started sweating. I almost don't want to take the job, but I know I should take what I can because I need to start finding a way to move out (i am still living with my ex). He finally expressed how it's hard for him that I am still here since he still very much doesn't want to let me go.
My options are:
1. Stay in this state (idaho) and look for housing assistance. Find a job that can support me and start a new career in something that i like.
2. Move back in with my parents in CA and try to pick myself up there with the "support" and criticism of those around me. I would also either share room with my parents or my youngest sister or I'd have to sleep in the living room. (Another sister and her husband also live with my parents and there's already too much tension there.)
3. Move in with my sister also in CA and pay her rent and have more sense of urgency to pick myself up.
#MentalHealth #Relationships

(edited)
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We had a nice night

We snacked on random things throughout the last few hours. Tonight we watched the Birdcage. She had never seen it and I was about ready to revoke her queer card. It's such a good movie. Now I'm browsing on Amazon for stuff. I've got a bottle of IQ Joe and I mixed it with eggnog flavored hot chocolate mix. OMG it's delicious! Even pauley thinks it's yummy. I ordered some treats tonight. It's been a while since I got to be my delightful puppy self. I'm hoping to have some playtime next weekend. Maybe some cuddles and cartoons.

I'm feeling better. Today was pretty good. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel good enough to go to the mall. We have groceries coming tomorrow but we can go out after.

#Relationships

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# surgery yesterday- # thankful for husband, siblings #Friends - heard from 4

Feeling lonely- glad i have my husband and siblings- w/o them- have heard from no one else- I am happy for the relationships i have- be nice to hear from friends- maybe they think I am resting and feel they are bothering so maybe this is why they have stayed away today.
More like the truth is they are busy in their own lives. My siblings who have grown adult children and grandchildren- and some have spouses - heard from all of them- all 5 of them/. My friends- best ever since I had my issues- heard from 4 the day before the surgery- one or two I contacted- but they contacted me back to wish me well- that counts.

But it is two days after my surgery I have heard from no friends- only my siblings- who sent flowers- beautiful bouquet of flowers-and my husband- who is helping me- today o am glad for what I got- can’t help but feel a little lonely- but that goes w the territory-

I grew up in a big family and used to a lot of people around. Now in my older adult life- I am typically alone- alone at home w my husband- who typically does his own thing. But today I am grateful for whatever I can get from him- and trying to be grateful for my life as it is-I think I am.

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Just a medication and symptoms vent #BipolarDisorder

I technically know I’ll get better meds eventually, maybe even very soon, but I’m really struggling today.
My psychiatrist prescribed me an atypical antipsychotic for agitation, and it helped so so much. I felt so grounded and calm and normal at work and productive at home. I stopped continuously listening to podcasts and playing video games. Most importantly, the intense feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, or dysphoria, went away. I just liked being in my brain again.
I got to feel this way for like 4 days, and it gave me so much hope.

But I had to stop taking it because it gave me intense eye strain while driving to work, and I didn’t feel safe on my 40 min commute. I don’t know how to describe how tempting it was to take it anyways, but I know it’s a driving hazard, and not necessarily likely to go away. Changing dose or time of day didn’t help, so I stopped taking it.

Honestly coping skills don’t really feel worth it right now, when medication fixed 90% of the problem. Now that I’ve stopped there’s nothing I can do to make this buzzing, dysphoric feeling go away, only distract myself from it and keep functioning. Hopefully on Monday I can get in touch with my psychiatrist, and she’s willing to try something very similar.

Sorry this was a long post. I just really needed to vent. I dont have a super trusting relationship with my psychiatrist, because she keeps recommending antidepressants and doesn’t like to use the word bipolar with me. I understand because I probably don’t have bipolar I, and sometimes people with bipolar can take antidepressants, but it makes me worried. Our last session went better because I was able to describe the agitation and she completely understood it, but it’s still all new. The person who did my evaluation did diagnose me with unspecified bipolar, and I strongly agree with that diagnosis. I think my communication with that psychiatrist will improve with time, though.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I guess I just want validation for giving up on trying to make this feeling go away, when so far only medication (or sometimes time) makes it go away. I just hate being in my brain right now, and it has no connection to my thoughts or emotions at all. I’m just buzzing with “mild” distress, from as soon as I gain consciousness in the morning until I’m comepletely asleep at night, and I don’t even know how to share this kinda thing with coworkers and friends. #Hypomania #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

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thoughts about control and reliance

This week, I watched a documentary about horses. Which led me to the following thoughts:

Control leads to pressure.
Reliance brings up potential.
Trust in the process; it leads you to freedom.

There´s so much pressure in this society. That´s not how it was meant to be.
I believe that mankind was made to live forever - not on earth, but in paradise.
We could have made the best out of our time on earth.
Instead, society is chasing for more years living in a human body. Chasing for more money, more stuff - less inter-human relationships, less kindness.....

I quit this system.
I´m a free human. To be honest: not in every way.

I wanna make the best out of my time on earth.

A quote says: spend more time with animals and less time with idiots!!
That´s what I´m chasing for.
Two days a week at the horsefarm bring me closer to that goal.

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