I'm new here!
Hi, my name is RustyHam. I [M24] have had a past memory that has come back up of my older brother [M27], SAing me. At the time of the memory I was roughly 5-7 years old, but it is difficult for me to find an exact time frame, all I know is that I was too young to understand what was happening. All I recall is that I was coerced into giving him oral. I do not remember what happened before or after, all I recall is that we were in our shared bathroom, with one of us getting ready to shower.
This memory has popped up in my mind throughout the years, but I never really thought about it and assumed it was just a disturbing dream or something I had made up. Recently, I also realized that I had been SA'd in one of my past relationships, which inevitably caused me to fixate on this memory that is now haunting me. I haven't told anyone about this memory and I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't tell if it was some messed up dream or a traumatic experience that my body is trying to reject or disassociate from. For over 10 years I have had vivid, reoccurring nightmares and constantly have intense sleep sweats that drench my bed. Is this my body trying to tell me something about this experience?
My brother is also getting married at the end of this year and asked me to be a groomsman. I do love my brother and want to be apart of this special occasion, but I this memory has made me reluctant to even be apart of it. I do not plan on telling anyone in my family soon as I fear that no one would believe me or that I may be seen as crazy. Seeing pictures of him or even thinking about the memory has brought anxiety attacks and caused me to break down crying.
I am not sure how to digest this memory and how to approach it further without damaging any relationships. This memory heavily affects me but I oftentimes tell myself that I am lying, made it up, or dreamt of it. I feel like I am losing it and I fear that this may affect me in the long run. How do I begin to heal from this even though I am not sure if it happened or not?