Relationships

I am feeling so overwhelmed to the point of tears! I struggle with anxiety, PTSD, OCD thoughts, etc.
I’ve been a toxic relationship that has created a vicious cycle for me. I struggle to talk to people for fear they know what occurred and are judging. This relationship took my self esteem, self worth, etc.
They still go through my phone. They read messages from my therapist, my siblings, they track my location and take screenshots of all this. They were in the wrong with everything they did, but it’s like they see I’m thawing out and they do things to keep me in that space.
On top of that, there are just constant worries and stressors about where I live. I’m a single parent so all of that falls on me. My child is incredible and doing amazing things.
I’m just so overwhelmed by everything and for fear of messing up. I don’t want to mess up.
Ugh!😩

Update to my previous post
I was struggling to let go of my favorite character for almost three years now. Today is the first night I actually feel better. I realized- l am not cheating on him. I am growing. Making room to have a real, meaningful relationship. Knowing he can always have a place in my heart and that he truly made me feel loved. I'm taking the steps I need to take, actually getting out more to meet my forever. My partner. My mate. I want to meet someone and have a baby. And possibly move to either Alaska, or back to my beloved native lands of Washington state and raise my babies and have a life with my lover. Tomorrow I am going to go to the park, have a picnic alone to relax and reminisce about my feelings for my future. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up seeing a potential mate. 🩷 If anyone has more advice where to go to meet that someone or anything thoughts about this, please let me know!

I’ve been thinking lately a lot about the very question that is the title of this post. Am I really at my core the girl who feels lost and confused about almost every single aspect of her life? Or am I that positive thinking funny girl who really doesn’t care if she fits the mold of what so many people consider normal? Part of me thinks that I can exist being both, but that just doesn’t sit right with me. How can the same person essentially be someone who feels and exhibits completely polar opposite traits and actually go throughout life with any sort of meaning and sense of direction? Another part of me tries to make sense of it and says that yes, the two can coexist along a sort of spectrum of personality traits that kind of wax and wane throughout life. But that explanation only frustrates me and saddens me because I am so tired of having to navigate the world not knowing which one will present itself when I wake up every day. It’s exhausting for me and I feel like that is the source as to why I can never really keep the close relationships I crave from others. I feel once others get to know me and we move beyond the superficial level of knowing someone, things inevitable start to go downhill and decline. I try to keep myself level and at some sort of a baseline, but then I don’t feel anything at all. I just turned 45 and feel like I should have a better grasp and understanding of myself at this point, but then again I also may never accomplish that.

Does wisdom come with age

What or Who opens doors

What rules does a good relationship hold?

What damages us

IS IT LOVE

IS IT UNCONCERN

IS IT STANDARDS

HOW COULD SOMEONE CHERISH SOMETHING BENEATH THEM

HOW COULD SOMEONE CHERISH SOMETHING SOMETHING ABOVE THEM

WHAT IS AN EGALITARIAN SOCIETY

WHAT ARE THE GOALS FOR PEACE

IF EVERY ARTIST HAS AN EXTREME SAY

AND EACH GENERATION CONQUERS ITS OWN CONFUSION

AS IT GROWS WISER

NOT MORE STUPID

DO EVERYDAY HABITS MAKE US BLIND

BLIND TO OVERCONSUMERISM

BLIND TO OUR DISTINCT IDENTITIES

WHEN SEARCHING FOR SOUL MAKES US LOST

CAUSE ITS NOT EVERYONE

AND YOUR WORDS ARE JUST WORDS

UNLESS YOU PUT ACTION IN THEM

LIKE CONSERVATION

ACCEPTANCE OF SOME AS SAME

AND SOME AS TEACHERS

SOME AS THWARTED WITHOUT DUTY

SOME AS GRATEFUL FOR THEIRS AND THOSE

SOME AS INJURED

SOME AS LIVING LIFE FILLED AND SATISFIED

CONTENT AT STATUS AND STATUS QUO

CONTENT TO GIVE THEIR KIDS A GOOD WORLD THEY STILL BELIEVE IN

CONTENT TO PROTECT

UNLESS YOU LEAVE THE PROTECT BELIEF

AND AFFECT CHANGE THROUGH NON VIOLENCE

WHEN DO YOU SAY ENUF

WHEN DO YOU SERVE THE WORTHY

WHEN YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU ARE SERVING THE WORTHY

IF YOU WERE HERE DAY IN DAY OUT

YOU"D KNOW

WE MEET

WE BELIEVE IN OUR ESTEEMED MUSICS MUSES AND INDUSTRY

AND OUR PATRIOT'S LOVE

WHERE TRADITIONS DON'T LEAVE US

FOR EVERYONE'S TEARING APART AND OPINION ON A TOO FREE INTERNET

I don't know

Ok

We repair our minds, bodies and relationships with the outside world, when we want to live again.

When we are ill, mentally or physically, we have no urge to think or do anything. Imagination (inspiration) kicks back in, when we seek connection with the outside world.

When we start to get better, our perception of the outside world sharpens but we may still be left with annoying bodily symptoms, distracting our attention away from tasks (poor motor skills / accident prone state / not grounded). Return to full health, means full control of our mental faculties and physical capabilities.