My boyfriend has just few friends while i love making friends.Recently i feel like he is about to leave me cos my coldness at times is just annoying but he is not.I know he loves me at lot but i'm not sure if i won't make him hate me with my behavior at times.I wish i can open up completely about my insecurity to him but he might not believe cos everyone knows me as this smiling and problem free girl.
My boyfriend has just few friends while i love making friends.Recently i feel like he is about to leave me cos my coldness at times is just annoying but he is not.I know he loves me at lot but i'm not sure if i won't make him hate me with my behavior at times.I wish i can open up completely about my insecurity to him but he might not believe cos everyone knows me as this smiling and problem free girl.
I used to have a toxic 3 years oldrelationship and it ended like 6 months ago, and like 2 months ago i found this guy that i really like, and he likes me back, we were going out, but nothing serious because of me, because i am afraid to ruin everything because my condition, but idk maybe i am ready, i am healthier than before, so WHEN DO YOU THING YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP #RelationshipBPD
So I have been into a lot of impulsive relationships. I was actually trying to fill the emptiness inside me with the guys I dated. Expecting them to fill the gap with love. I realised this when I fell for a another guy. Whenever I am with him, I don’t feel empty. And when I am not, I feel empty again. Am I am getting into the same pattern again? And my head’s so cloudy that I am not sure how to decide! If I ask my therapist...do I have to ask her such questions, every time I like some guy?
It has been 18 days since the night my partner of 4 years walked out. I don’t blame him. I got drunk again, flew into one of my outrageous bouts of verbal abuse. I essentially told him I needed marriage to be able to trust him. After 4 years of him being the most patient and trustworthy person in my life. The worst thing is, that isn’t me. That’s not how I feel.
I hate the things I say when I drink. I hate that my abandonment fearing worst parts of me break through in those moments. Can you imagine how that must have felt to him? I can. Everything he’s worked with me on, and again and again I spiral into this pit.
So I stopped drinking. I haven’t touched a drop since that night. And I found a new counselor. And I got diagnosed with BPD rather than my previous diagnosis of General Anxiety. And in so many ways, that was a relief. It felt so good to know that it’s not “just me”. That all these parts of me I can’t make sense of have a cause. And with the diagnosis comes new treatments and new goals. And those things excite me. I can work on this. I can do better!
But will he come back this time? He knows about the diagnosis. He knows how hard I’m trying to grow. He still talks to me, for which I am so thankful. He still sees me on the weekends. But this house feels so empty now. He tells me he still needs time to process. It’s been 18 days and the answer is still “maybe” when I ask if he will be moving into the house I’m buying with me and our dogs. The house we planned to start fresh in. And as time goes by, it’s getting harder and harder to have faith. I thought I would keep feeling better. More independent. But it’s all just sort of sinking deeper in.
So I’m stuck in this Purgatory where I don’t know whether to finish mourning and try to get used to living alone, or whether to keep hoping and trusting and holding on. And I can’t ask him. Because he isn’t ready to talk about it. Because he needs space and pestering him with my insecurities is the opposite of giving him space.
It feels like it will go on forever.
Just like general tips on how to function healthily in a relationship? I try so hard for my partner and she tries very hard to be understanding of me. But i still feel like i could be better to her. This is the very first time I’ve ever been able to let someone in like this and I’m afraid I’ll ruin her #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #RelationshipBPD
It is easier to fall in love with someone but a lot more difficult to make it work when you are suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been dating people since 2009, back when I was a teenager and now I’m 26 and I still haven’t experienced any successful long lasting relationships.
I was diagnosed with BPD back in 2016 when I had a massive mental breakdown in public and immediately checked myself into a hospital the very next day. The cause of this breakdown was a failed love interest which I took too hard. With each relationships, I’ve noticed a similar pattern.
1. Intense attractions: This could mean falling for someone way too hard, way too soon and possibly already fantasising (constantly) about a possible future with them.
2. Going out of my way to be with them: This means spending more financial resources than I have as well as cancelling my other plans to be with them. This also included getting myself into unnecessary trouble just to spend time with the person or “make that person like me”.
3. Getting paranoid: Whenever the other person fails to communicate their feeling with you, the immediate reaction (like a reflex action) would be to think of the worst case scenario. This can be for two reasons. a) we are secretly hoping that the opposite of whatever we are thinking would happen. b) to brace ourselves for the worst kind of emotional pain we are about to experience.
4. Getting angry/anxious: If the person fails to reciprocate to our feelings in the same way we often get offensive. The feeling of paranoia takes over our head completely and it is all we can think off thus robbing one off of their valuable time.
5. Impulsiveness: Once the strong emotions takes over we immediately jump to a conclusion and take some action which often backfires. This may involve breaking up with them before they leave us, deleting their pictures, sending them long texts in a fit of rage, announcing it on social media.
6. Self blame/harm, loss of confidence, fear and sadness (post break-up): After each break-up, one may feel hurt, angry and BETRAYED for the longest of times. We question ourselves and ultimately come to a conclusion that “WE JUST WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM”.
I’ve felt this intensity with every man I’ve been with which makes it even harder for me to cope up. (Even if I’ve dated a man for nearly a month).
I also noticed that even if I genuinely don’t like a person (based on their personality or lack of chemistry between the two) I would still make strong efforts to be with them. Why?
1. Fear of being alone
2. Liking the constant attention, affection.
3. Validation from the other makes us feel more confident.
The immediate reaction after a few days is to seek a new partner to fill in that void.
Although my (visible) reactions to each break-up is changing, the feeling of sadness and betrayal remains high as always. But it’s changing.
NEXT POST....
So I’ve been with my significant other for 3 years next weekend and as we approach our 3 year anniversary I look at how much my mental health has affected our relationship.
I’ve been lucky enough to find someone who takes some time to understand my mental health and tries to be as patient as possible. I know it’s not easy on him
Between my bouts of anger, my lack of ability to read emotion and sometimes my damn right selfishness.
My has always had a massive impact on my relationship and I constantly strive to be a better person and not just for myself but for him to. However it’s difficult. Whenever I feel like I’m beginning to make changes and make some real improvements all it takes is one argument where I realise I haven’t changed at all and the only thing that has changed is the reasons why I lash out or something else.
I’m tired of trying to improve #RelationshipBPD
Latest
