Selfdesructive

I’ve been clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, CPTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety & Bulimia. And I am acutely aware that all of diagnoses are painfully effecting me every day. I self-harm to an extreme extent. I have an uncontrollable urge to self destruct. My anxiety is crippling. And my depression is so familiar that it’s comforting anymore.
I was being med compliant. Prozac. Lamictal. To help with my depression and a mood stabilizer. Neither my PCP nor my psychiatrist are willing to prescribe me a benzo for my paralyzing anxiety d/t my past history (as recent as February) of suicide attempts. But I need something. Buspar doesn’t work. Hydroxyzine makes me drowsy. And their refusal to listen to my needs is infuriating.
I’m drinking daily. I’m cutting multiple times a day. All while working a secure full time job (ironically, in mental health) and raising to the best of my ability, three gorgeous little girls.
I mentioned above that I *was* being med compliant. I stopped being compliant initially, because I was becoming forgetful. I’d get so busy in the mornings between getting the girls ready, taking care of the dog & getting to work on time- that I’d be halfway through my work day and realize I didn’t take my meds. ‘Tomorrow’ I would say. But then I kept forgetting. And I started spiraling. And the familiarity of dropping back into that dark place, is confusingly so comforting.
I daydream while I’m driving (solo) about running my car off the road. I look around my room and see if there is a supportive enough structure to hang myself from. I’ve even recently looked online for the costs of firearms. I want to self destruct.
I drink to numb. I cut to feel something other than numbness. My anxiety makes me feel more suicidal than the depression most days.

How does someone manage these thoughts when these thoughts are so familiar & comforting? Will it be like this forever? #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalThoughts

The other day, I’ve come to realize that (among other things) I have a hard time saying “no” to things and people who aren’t good for me. Along with that, setting boundaries is another issue because I feel bad for standing my ground. I also have a hard time speaking my mind as to what I want or need from people. Sometimes I do know what I want, but I can’t put it into words or like most times I’m indecisive. One thing that I really don’t like is the fact that I’m easily affected by other people’s emotions. If they are angry, I get angry. If they cry, I cry. Some my say that it’s a good thing, but for me, I feel utterly embarrassed if I don’t have control over my emotions in front of other people. ( Let alone the fact that I have a hard time controlling my emotions period.) If and when I do cry, I can’t stop. When I’m angry, it’s explosive and very hard to come down from when I’m in that space. I don’t take criticism well at all. My mind instantly goes to what I call “self destructive mode” which is an endless cycle of me feeling myself that I’ve messed up or that I’m worthless (among other thoughts). During these times, I feel anxious, distraught, I isolate myself (which makes it worse). I end up injuring myself when I can’t stop the negative thoughts. I’ve got a lot to work on and a lot of things that I haven’t forgiven myself for. All I can say is that I’m still learning how to live. #MentalHealth #NegativeThoughts #realizations #SettingBoundaries #Emotions #EmotionalIntensity #Selfdesructive

In the past I’ve been know to be self destructive. I’ve hurt myself, have ruined relationships, and many other things because of it. I have been trying to heal, to think more about how an action will effect my life. To not crush myself under an overbearing weight that I create. As I have been doing that, I am noticing the smaller things I do that follow the other patterns. Such as:

I often skip taking my medicine. I have ten medications I take every day, four in the morning and six at night. I keep a daily pill box as a reminder. Though, once it runs out I can’t find the motivation to fill it up again. So I completely ignore it and all of my medicine.

At least four days will pass before I find the motivation to fill it up again. I go through withdrawals, symptoms get worse. But the motivation still isn’t there.

I’m trying to understand why I do this to myself. That I’m healing and still have a tendency to ruin myself. I just get so frustrated with myself for doing it, and yet I can’t pull myself out of the loop.

If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

To end this on a happier note, I’ll say that I have done a lot to heal. I am getting better. There’s still a lot to do though.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #self -sabotage #Selfharm #Selfdesructive

When my #Depression #BipolarDisorder #ChronicPain #Anxiety #PTSD #Fibromyalgia #SuicidalIdeation starts to get to me & wears me down I have got the advice from a psychologist to try to take it one day at a time & there is something about that statement & method that really stayed with me & helped after time of applying it over & over when things seemed to be too much or mentally/physically I bit off more than I can chew. Looking forward makes my anxiety worse & worrying about the future. Living in the now is key to this. I didn’t make it work over night, it obviously took time & practice of this just like anything you try to apply to work with & fight against your depression & negative thoughts & #Selfdesructive behaviors. Learning to recognize your #triggers & then actively trying to change your narrative helps so much & just reminding myself that I can just take it one day at a time. Breath. Find peace. You deserve it.

I’m always questioning myself. No matter how confident I outwardly seem I’m always peppered with self doubt. I am always told I’m capable but I set myself a standard too high that it’s almost unattainable. But realistically I don’t think anyone expects me to be able to.
So I set myself up for continual disappointment in myself.