supportperson

This story might be a long one. But it still eats me alive, even though a few years have past.
Seven years ago I started dating a guy just because I was feeling alone. Up until that point I have never been in a serious relationship and I have never been in love. He was an amazing person and we always had an awesome time together, but I just didn't feel that spark, that chemistry towards him. After a month or so I wanted to end things but I didn't know how, because he never did anything wrong. And I didn't want to hurt him. He was in a really dark and scary place. Almost a year before we started going out, both of his parents died from cancer at one day appart. I can't even comprehend how much suffering he felt. But he was in a dark place. I read some of his poems and they gave me chills. So I didn't break up with him, just because I didn't want to cause him more pain. I stayed by his side and tried to help as much as I could. After 2 years we were still together and I really thought that I was in love with him. He was better, more hopeful and bright. But then one of his brothers also died of cancer. He was suffering again, but he wasn't so grim. He mourned, but he didn't lose hself again. After that, I started to get in a very dark place, thoughts of suicide were present in my mind. I really can't say why, I've never figured it out. I kept it to myself, I've never been dark and twisty around him. But I never tried to kill myself because I didn't want him to lose another loved one because I thought this time he could never recover. So in order to be free to take my life without guilt, I told him I cheated on him, because I knew this was a total deal breaker for him so he would break up with me. But he didn't. He stayed by my side and somehow he made me confess what I was going thru. Of course I was feeling guilty. I was in a way worse shape than he was, although I didn't go through the pain he did.
Somehow, after a year I got better with his help. We moved in together, we adopted a dog. All things were good. But I felt that something was missing.
After I graduated, I got a job offer in another city and I accepted it. He was willing to leave his job, his friends, his college just to go with me. And then I figured it out. This guy loved me way more than I deserved. Because the thing that was missing was the fact I wasn't really in love with him. I think it would have been selfishbof me to continue. I didn't want him to throw away his life for someone like me. I wanted him to be happy, to be loved, because he is an awesome human. We ended on awesome terms, we share the custody of the dog, he is in a happy relatioship.
But my constant question is: am I a monster for stringing him along for all those years? I should have ended the relationship way earlier? Two years have passed and this question and guilt still haunts me...
Sorry for the long post...

Sometimes I think depression is contagious. I feel worthless, helpless, and that I’m not enough because my partner chooses to be alone instead of with me. #Depression #Anxiety #supportperson #Loneliness

I was lonely today and then it got worse. My wife has anxiety and started treatment about a year ago. She's gotten so much better! But one thing I've struggled with is regaining my sense of intimacy with her. Over her untreated years, she reacted so poorly to me and I didn't make it any easier because I was ignorant as well. I withdrew emotionally as a coping mechanism. Trying to unravel that and regain intimacy lately I've been trying to say things to her that I would have previously withheld. Tonight I said something about what my mother had said about her FB posts a year ago versus more recently and it just set her off with self-conscious feelings of inadequacy and not fitting in with my family. This after I had thought to go in to our room and be with her not even necessarily talk with her after she went into our room after our 6yo daughter's bd party today and she was just retreating. I decided to be with her instead of continuing to watch tv. I didn't intend to start anything and then I'd said something that set her off and now my old fears are coming back about how to talk to this woman I love. At least this is over something rather than nothing, but she admits its an overreaction but it just makes me feel so lonely that I can't talk to her without feeling like I'm walking through a minefield. At least she's not making it personal so much anymore like I'm attacking but she still gets so affected. She's sooo much better than she was (thank you medication and therapy) but she still struggles sometimes.

Maybe I will go back to my own therapy once we meet our deductible again (which will probably be soon...)

I’m not a medical professional, but from everything I have read and experienced with him it seems likely my boyfriend has BPD. I just want to not feel so alone in this. He is spiraling and in complete despair about work, and I’m at a loss for what to do other than try and validate his feelings and show him I’m supportive. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I’m taking medications for both, and I worry that I’m not strong enough to help him. I hope this app is the first step to finding that strength, and finding a supportive therapist who can help me is the next one.

So last week I had posted that I was really struggling because I was unbelievably lonely and my support person hasn’t been able to be around for me lately because her son has brain cancer. While I totally understand that she can’t be there, my BPD is raging and telling me that she doesn’t care, that she has abandoned me, and she just have the time for me anymore. I feel really selfish and stupid because I am acting out and texting her hurtful things. Luckily she understands my BPD and where it is coming from.

However, I feel even more horrible today because this morning she found her 19 year old son (not the one with brain cancer) unresponsive and that he had passed in the middle of the night. I HATE my and the games that it plays with my head. It is so hard for me to put the brakes on and realize what I am saying. I just hope that in the coming weeks that I can be sensitive to her needs and know that she loves me even if she can’t be there for me. I need to be her ROCK now....

Any suggestions on how to put the brakes on before you say something?? #BPDProblems #supportperson #Bpdmindgames #stop #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

My strongest supporter just had a heart attack yesterday morning. He has been in the hospital since. He is going to be fine and there was no damage to his heart, but I'm terrified. He has a family history of heart problems and is getting old. I am away at college with finals and juries and hearings coming up in a few days. I have a masterclass tonight. He won't let me go home to see him because he wants me to focus on my work here, but I feel so helpless. I don't know how I'm going to focus on my performances when all I want is to be there for the person who was always there for me. Advice?

Today I am extremely thankful for someone who has come to be one of my closest friends and major support person. She means more to me then she probably realizes. #MentalHealth #supportperson #thankful