synesthesia

I'm working as a responder and for the past year I have been out for my maximum FMLA and PTO at work.

At the beginning of the pandemic I was home in quarantine with my son on unpaid leave because my endocrinologist and primary care doctor deemed me severely immunocompromised.

When I returned to work I had intense PTSD symptoms including debilitating panic attacks. I would go into fight or flight for hours and then be exhausted for days afterward. My primary care doctor prescribed Celexa daily and Hydroxyzine as needed during this time.

The Celexa helped, the Hydroxyzine still helps. I was able to work 4 out of 5 days for awhile last year and had to do fmla paperwork for the reasonable accommodation of taking a mental health day up to one day a week.

I had to call out of work six times last year with Covid symptoms. Each time I needed to isolate and get tested I would miss an important event in my life: my son's birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, etc. And that took a massive toll in addition to being unpaid time out from work. I do not know why it was unpaid. I have become a steward in my union to try to change that in the next contract.

Now, in February and then again in March I received the covid vaccine - and I was hospitalized with debilitating symptoms for four days after my first one and went home promising to remain on bedrest. I was nauseous, V and D, no appetite, feverish, night sweats and chills, extreme fatigue, and just so depressed and stressed in my body. Everything hurt.

By mid March I was starting to feel better and planning to return to work at the end of the month.

My son and I were in a horrible car accident on March 21. He survived because I jersey the wheel really hard to avoid impact on his back corner of the car. I was directly impacted and have a dislocated knee, a traumatic brain injury, migraines, tension headaches, internal bleeding, bruised ribs and spine, and some soft tissue disconnections in my shoulder and neck.

For the entire month of April I was resting and doing tons of physical therapy to try to get walking and moving again. It was a very slow process and became a meditation in patience and self care.

I returned to work on May 3rd. And I was so happy to be back!!! I committed to perfect attendance. I just wanted regular paychecks, no more drama, and for the entire universe to respect my existence. And I did really, really well and was loving it until... I messaged my gastroenterologist about internal bleeding symptoms including nausea, V & D, black and bloody stuff coming out of me, vertigo, muscle weakness, chronic dehydration, lack of appetite, etc.

The nurse at my gastroenterologist kept calling and insisting I leave work and go directly to the emergency department to be evaluated. I do not like going to the emergency department if I'm not passing out. I feel like.. if I'm capable of driving myself there then it's voluntary and optional and my medical team can find a more strategic treatment

At the start of the movie "Contact", staring jodie Foster, it starts zooming backwards from earth with the most recent radio signals broadcasting into space getting older the further away from earth.
I found that this was a good representation of what my mind feels like. It's like there is a thousand different channels that are broadcasting and being recieved at the same time you understand and comprehend some but not others, sometimes it is just static.
Anyone else seen this andd thought this or have their own version?
#Aspergers #OCD #Synesthesia #Depression #PTSD

the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
the question remains.
fighting for hope, wishing for peace.
confused, dismayed.
dismissed, waylayed.
from the final destination.
the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
scrambling for freedom, longing for it to stop.
the pain. the isolation.
alienation and dismissiveness.
to my life experience.

this is my first time posting on here and I have kinda got to the point where I can partial communicate what is going on. Honestly I see the pattern and I know I will crash at some point but it's how big it is and when, last time was massive and if the pattern is right it will be worse again, I'm hoping because things have changed it won't be like that but it might be. I have built up a life for myself again and I don't want that to end. saying that I have extreme sucidal ideation but it's not too bad at the minute it's still controable. also because of all that happened with my personal carer it has really disrailed everything and we haven't be able to recruit.
I can manage about 20 hours a week of booked and general activity and with just my weekly booked things I'm running close to capacity and I have used up all my bank of spoons. I am running on 16 hours a week not including self-care or anything like that, friends, other appointments, family time and all that kind of stuff. I'm scared.
I knew I was spiralling out of control mentally (that's slowed down) but I realise now I am physically too (this is now faster than mentally). it also means I have a very low buffer for if things go wrong or I have a meltdown. I'm petrified of ending up in hospital again. I'm only rarely able to talk to people and some people I can't because of things that have happened.
I eat and feel shame and guilt. I hate it when I watch myself I hate that feeling. I hate feeling alienated from some of my communities. I hate having to take meds, esspsially extra meds. I wish I could keep up with school and now keep falling further behind. I wish I could concentrate.
I don't know what to do. How lame am I 20 hours a week including travel time.

#Autism #Disability #Selfharm #EatingDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Suicide #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #Alexithymia #Synesthesia #MightyPoets #Spoonies