the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
the question remains.
fighting for hope, wishing for peace.
confused, dismayed.
dismissed, waylayed.
from the final destination.
the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
scrambling for freedom, longing for it to stop.
the pain. the isolation.
alienation and dismissiveness.
to my life experience.
this is my first time posting on here and I have kinda got to the point where I can partial communicate what is going on. Honestly I see the pattern and I know I will crash at some point but it's how big it is and when, last time was massive and if the pattern is right it will be worse again, I'm hoping because things have changed it won't be like that but it might be. I have built up a life for myself again and I don't want that to end. saying that I have extreme sucidal ideation but it's not too bad at the minute it's still controable. also because of all that happened with my personal carer it has really disrailed everything and we haven't be able to recruit.
I can manage about 20 hours a week of booked and general activity and with just my weekly booked things I'm running close to capacity and I have used up all my bank of spoons. I am running on 16 hours a week not including self-care or anything like that, friends, other appointments, family time and all that kind of stuff. I'm scared.
I knew I was spiralling out of control mentally (that's slowed down) but I realise now I am physically too (this is now faster than mentally). it also means I have a very low buffer for if things go wrong or I have a meltdown. I'm petrified of ending up in hospital again. I'm only rarely able to talk to people and some people I can't because of things that have happened.
I eat and feel shame and guilt. I hate it when I watch myself I hate that feeling. I hate feeling alienated from some of my communities. I hate having to take meds, esspsially extra meds. I wish I could keep up with school and now keep falling further behind. I wish I could concentrate.
I don't know what to do. How lame am I 20 hours a week including travel time.
#Autism #Disability #Selfharm #EatingDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Suicide #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #Alexithymia #Synesthesia #MightyPoets #Spoonies