alexithymia

Work pressures have seemed insurmountable. My work calendar (which I use for my to do list) is full of part finished tasks, which makes me very nervous about missing something. These tasks aren't unfinished through want of trying, but because of changing demands of the service which I support. Other matters become more urgent, so you have to put aside what you are working on and do the urgent thing.

For me, this is very hard to manage. My executive dysfunction becomes more evident when I am under pressure. I also have (self dx) Alexithymia so I struggle to work out what I'm feeling. From the tension in my shoulders I know I'm stressed, from the cloudy thoughts I know I'm anxious.

I was watching the Korean version of Good Doctor and the Dr Park (the autistic man who is focus of the series) describes his emotions as an experience he describes a kiss as cold water down his back. I realised, watching this, that I used to describe how I felt that way, particularly in poetry. I stopped because people told me it was too intense for them to handle. I wonder, if I go back to that practice, whether I would be better at figuring out what I feel.

#Autism #executivedysfunction #Depression #Alexithymia

the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
the question remains.
fighting for hope, wishing for peace.
confused, dismayed.
dismissed, waylayed.
from the final destination.
the guilt, the shame.
the hurt, the pain.
the whys, the wheres.
the who's, the how's.
scrambling for freedom, longing for it to stop.
the pain. the isolation.
alienation and dismissiveness.
to my life experience.

this is my first time posting on here and I have kinda got to the point where I can partial communicate what is going on. Honestly I see the pattern and I know I will crash at some point but it's how big it is and when, last time was massive and if the pattern is right it will be worse again, I'm hoping because things have changed it won't be like that but it might be. I have built up a life for myself again and I don't want that to end. saying that I have extreme sucidal ideation but it's not too bad at the minute it's still controable. also because of all that happened with my personal carer it has really disrailed everything and we haven't be able to recruit.
I can manage about 20 hours a week of booked and general activity and with just my weekly booked things I'm running close to capacity and I have used up all my bank of spoons. I am running on 16 hours a week not including self-care or anything like that, friends, other appointments, family time and all that kind of stuff. I'm scared.
I knew I was spiralling out of control mentally (that's slowed down) but I realise now I am physically too (this is now faster than mentally). it also means I have a very low buffer for if things go wrong or I have a meltdown. I'm petrified of ending up in hospital again. I'm only rarely able to talk to people and some people I can't because of things that have happened.
I eat and feel shame and guilt. I hate it when I watch myself I hate that feeling. I hate feeling alienated from some of my communities. I hate having to take meds, esspsially extra meds. I wish I could keep up with school and now keep falling further behind. I wish I could concentrate.
I don't know what to do. How lame am I 20 hours a week including travel time.

#Autism #Disability #Selfharm #EatingDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Suicide #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #CheckInWithMe #Alexithymia #Synesthesia #MightyPoets #Spoonies

Am I the only one that goes to my therapist thinking I have things under control and I’m doing pretty good but I’m met with this isn’t ok and we need to adjust your meds?

Hi yall. I'm new here. I joined the mighty because I feel so alone even though I am constantly surrounded by friends and family. None of them understand what really goes through my mind and why sometimes I feel like bursting out crying and locking myself away for no reason. It's hard to hide everything that goes in my head and replace it with a simple smile. #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #PanicDisorder #Alexithymia

#Alexithymia