traumabond

The river current was so strong it dragged the cow the moment she leaned in to take a sip of water.

And when I saw that image, I laughed.

Like… really laughed.

Because why would the cow even put herself in that situation?

Why would she walk right up to something so obviously powerful, so clearly dangerous, and think, “Yeah… this feels safe. Let me just get a little closer.”

And then it hit me.

I am that cow.

Not metaphorically in a cute, poetic way.

No. Fully. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Ungyngily.

I am that cow.

Because I have stood at the edge of things I knew could hurt me.

Things that already showed me their strength. Their unpredictability. Their ability to pull me under.

And I still leaned in.

Not because I didn’t know better.

But because I was thirsty.

Thirsty for connection.

For attention.

For softness.

For something that felt like a spark in a life that sometimes feels… quiet in the wrong ways.

And sometimes, when you’re that kind of thirsty, you convince yourself that you can control the current.

That if you just stay close enough to the edge…

If you don’t go too deep…

If you just take a quick sip…

You’ll be fine.

But currents don’t negotiate.

They don’t care how aware you are.

They don’t pause because you had good intentions.

They don’t say, “Oh, you’ve been through a lot? Let me go easy on you.”

They just pull.

And suddenly you’re not sipping anymore.

You’re being dragged.

And the scariest part?

It’s not even the first time.

That’s the part no one talks about.

Because at some point, you stop asking,

“Why is this happening to me?”

And you start asking,

“Why do I keep walking back to the river?”

Why do I keep choosing things that feel familiar but unsafe?

Why do I keep mistaking intensity for connection?

Why do I keep hoping this time will be different… when the current feels exactly the same?

And here’s the truth I’m still learning:

It’s not because I’m weak.

It’s because I’ve been thirsty for a long time.

And when you’ve been emotionally dehydrated…

even dangerous water starts to look like relief.

But I’m learning something new now.

I don’t need to fight the current to prove I’m strong.

I don’t need to survive another pull to prove I can handle it.

I just… need to stop going so close to the edge.

To pause.

To ask myself, “Is this water safe?”

Not just, “Does this look good right now?”

Because not everything that feels like a spark is meant to warm you.

Some things are just there to burn.

So yeah…

I laughed at that cow.

But now?

I get her.

And maybe the goal isn’t to never be her again.

Maybe the goal is to recognize the river sooner…

take a step back…

and finally choose water that doesn’t try to take you with it.

#adhdawareness #healingjourney #selfawareness #emotionalhealing #ToxicRelationships #traumabond #Breakthecycle #ADHDLife #neurodivergent #adhdawareness #Autism

heart, a broken mirror, reflects both what I need and what I fear.
I want to pull you close, to tell you, "Please, don't disappear,"
but every time I lean in, a shadow whispers in my head,
"You're too much, you're not worthy," and the fear takes hold instead.
So I swing the other way, a petulant, resentful sigh.
My anger is a shield I wear, a way to make you try
to prove that you won't leave me, that you'll chase me when I'm gone.
But all it ever does is make me feel more weak and torn.
I am the anxious wire, the one that’s always frayed,
and you, a fearful phantom, for whom I've always prayed.
I see the love I want, but the self-hate screams so loud,
it tells me I should cut the cord, get lost inside the crowd.
I'm the fuse and the bomb, a match and the gas.
I want to tear down everything, to make this feeling pass.
I self-destruct to punish you, for a crime you didn't do,
to prove the whisper right, that my love could never be true.
I am a storm I can't control, a torrent in the dark.
I cling, and then I rage, a self-destructive mark.
I want to build a home with you, a safe and gentle place,
but the cracks inside my mirror show an unlovable, empty face.
#healinghurts #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #PTSD #traumabond

How did I end up here? Broken and rotten

I watched it just all slip away

I once was an Oak who stood alone

With no way to re-grow the breaks

I took it for granted, my might and my worth

so excuses I can’t seem to make

I once was the Oak who stood alone

One the wind could not even shake.

I knew I would grow big and knew I would grow strong!

I was the reason the Gods sent the rain!

I once was an Oak who stood alone

but now Im just compost in pain.

My leaves have all fallen; my braches have broken

Ive lost all my fortune and fame

I once was an Oak who stood alone

But now Im a log full of shame

I hadn’t expected that I would uproot

I thought I’d be the last one to stand

I once was an Oak who stood alone

But now I’m just mulch for the land

OH, Mighty, OH, Mighty! OH, I was the king

But the mighty fell out of my name.

I once was an Oak who stood alone

til I fell before the end of my reign

So, be thankful for sunshine and stand tall every day

Be proud; try not to complain

Because one day you might be that Oak that has fallen

and end up just a log full of shame.

#EmotionalAbuse #Broken #Shame #Trauma #DomesticAbuse #narcissist #traumabond #Depression #hurting

I’m going to be interviewed by a podcast on Sunday called “Very Bad Therapy” about my ex therapist. I wrote out notes today to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I used my new Mighty journal to do so. The laundry list ended up being 10 pages long.

I feel stupid. How did I let myself stay so sucked into such a dysfunctional relationship for so long?! Ugh. It’s painful.

#Trauma #traumabond #FearOfAbandonment #Anxiety