victories

In the attempt to
live my most authentic life,
the lost has been found.

The sun is brighter,
moonlight actually shimmers,
laughter is music.

Home is where I am,
it's that space within where I
go to find solace.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #victories

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
#relationship