TW: domestic violence
I don’t usually talk about this
I went into the education field when I was 15
It was a “great career to have while raising a family.” 🙄
I was pretty sure I wanted kids although I went back and forth some years.
I got my Ed.S. and began working. I had been in a stable, long term relationship. We were engaged for a couple of years after dating for a few. I was getting married and getting set up for my family.
Then I experienced domestic violence in the first year of our marriage. I temporarily got out the night it turned physical. I got my emergency protection order within a month of it happening. I didn’t wait. I did it all the way society wants us to do it. I fought for him to acknowledge we weren’t reconciling. I thought I was moving on with my life.
I became disabled. I dated someone else who was abusive. I never really got “safe.” I didn’t realize leaving meant I would be stuck here seemingly forever.
I tried telling people how scared I was about all of the critical years of my life were slipping away.
All of my friends were staring families. They didn’t have time to even respond to me. They truly abandoned me. For so many reasons
They almost all work in the education field. Their social medias no longer include much else than their kids. One (the one who treats me like garbage) even joked with her husband that she only married him to have kids. I believe that joke, now seeing how she treats everyone as stepping stones to get what she wants. (If you’ve read my previous posts this probably doesn’t surprise you).
They promised me I could be an auntie to their kids. It was such a lie because they wouldn’t even treat me like a friend, much less a family member. They just didn’t want to deal with their own concerns regarding possible infertility since they were all in their 30s and concerned. It hit too close until it didn’t hit at all and i became othered.
30 years of concurrent friendship, best friends with three women, all of it gone in months because they wouldn’t treat me like a friend, or even a human.
Their families mattered over the decades of friendship.
They no longer have the space in my life.
This hurts so so so much.
I won’t have kids. I’m 36 and I just don’t see it as something that would be a responsible choice as a disabled women with very little support. I don’t want to hear how I’m making the right choice. I didn’t really make it. Society made it for me. When I became disabled. By experiencing trauma. By other people. I can’t even get enough money to eat. Yet I have been told repeatedly I would get more assistance if I had kids. Welcome to the dystopian universe.
And all of the people I loved most just disappeared. Their entire identities just disappeared when they had kids. Their social medias have no history from their life before kids. My own history has been robbed as well as my future
It’s been so cruel.
#DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #ChronicVestibularMigraine #ADHD #Disability #DisabilityBenefits #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks