I wish I would break off with this jerk #xiety # #Depression ##a
I have gotten back with the same jerk over 4 times in six years. I finally walked out of the door with a few belongings one day while he was playing video games at an 8 hour stretch.
Whenever I tried to leave he would block the door and tell me if I left then there is no returning. #Anxiety
He had to know where I went. He talked to me worse than a mangey dog! He took my car keys away from me and told me that I couldn't leave unless I asked him and then he would ask what time I was going to be home. If I was a minute late he would call me.
I had my own money and he would demand to know how I spent it. Then he would tell me that I would blow it all anyway so I should take him out to eat all the time. When I took him out he stared down all the other women in the restaurant.
It was constant abuse and he said I was the problem so I went to therapy and realized that he manipulated me all the time. It is difficult to break it off because I have abandonment issues. I get going and then after a month or two I go right back with him. I want to stop going back with him.
I guess I get to feeling lonely after a month or two and I go back with him out of fear of being alone.
This time, I am trying to get involved with other things to fill up my time. I am trying to find friends to have a light conversation with. I don't have close enough friends to talk all of this over with. The people I know would tell other people even though I would tell them it was personal and I didn't want everyone else to know my feelings.
I'm all out of sorts right now and trying to get my life together so I'm not constantly fighting with him or going back to him. I want my life to be peaceful and stable!
I am seeing an EMDR counselor and that is going pretty well. I am signing up to go to DBT class and I will have a skill builder to talk my class over with me.
I guess things are going well but getting to where I want to be is a slow process. I do see progress though.
Thanks for reading this!!