I’m getting discouraged on leaving my narc husband again. I’m probably just gonna come back anyways. When I think about living without him it just doesn’t feel right or possible. I understand it doesn’t make sense and it isn’t logical. I understand I need to leave. But sometimes we have good times and he makes me live for those breadcrumbs that when I get them it’s hard to deny them. It really is like an addiction. I am addicted to that tiny little hit of oxytocin he gives me once in a blue moon when he pretends to care or bond with me.
I feel like such a fool. Most people come back and leave several times. I can’t do that. This has to be the only time. That’s a lot of pressure. It scares me the idea that I will come back and it’ll be much worse and he’ll hurt me. I am terrified that there are still parts of me that are still unlovable. I would say that most of the time I do love myself, but there are still parts of myself that are ugly. Things I do that I know he accepts or deals with that I don’t know if other people would put up with. He often tells me no one else would put up with me.
Like how I binge eat til I’m sick when I’m low on dopamine
or how sometimes I don’t bathe for days or brush my teeth or change my clothes when I’m exhausted or depressed
My bipolar
I have other embarrassing disorders I don’t like talking about
My god awful OCD. I’m a germophobe and I have lots of arbitrary rules that him and myself have to abide by or else it’s very upsetting for me. And he mostly puts up with it I think more than I notice
I have narcolepsy and sometimes I’m so tired I can’t even stand or feed myself it’s actually pretty common I need help feeding myself. I feel like such a burden but there’s nothing I can do about that. He cooks for me a lot or gets me food
I have a lot of trauma, still some unhealed
I can be a very anxious hypochondriac
I’m scared of never been known or loved again. I know he doesn’t love me, but it’s all I’ve ever known we got together very young and it’s comfortable somewhat and familiar. I’m sure this feeling is fleeting. I think it’s in reaction to the fact I will be talking to lawyers this week.
#Abuse #PTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BipolarDepression