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Self Preservation

I have been in a significant decline over the past two or three years. I am constantly depressed and suffer from anxiety. I also have a limited support network and don't have anyone to confide in. I lost all my friends in such a short space of time; looking back on my life it is very difficult to imagine losing everything in less than two years. I was left with nothing but the support of my parents which I am very grateful for.

I had just turned 20 years old and had my whole life in front me. At that young age, I felt like I had already lived a lifetime. It is very difficult to come to terms with what happened and no matter how much I try to forget I am reminded of my past. I feel as though that short period of my life will haunt me forever and I am always chasing my tail trying to make up for it.

This is an exhausting process and leaves me feeling inadequate and empty. I have never really understood why I was so angry with the world. The only way I can describe how I was feeling at the time was trying to climb out of a bottomless pit and only slipping deeper and deeper until I could no longer see the hole I came in through. I also sought external gratification through any means available.

When I finally hit rock bottom and decided I needed to make a change, it was too late. Nobody was there to greet me or offer me a hand like I had expected. Everybody in my life had abandoned me and I was left to pick up the pieces and reflect on the self inflicted trail of destruction which had turned my life upside down. This period of my life was the most difficult but sub-consciously I told myself it would get better.

I re-assured myself that things could only get better. Things did improve but only ever so slightly. I would never be the optimistic confident and popular kid I once was. Instead I was a broken version of myself both internally and externally. My life was shattered and I was left to pick up the pieces.

One regret that I have was not trying to re-connect with old friends, my ego got in the way of putting my self out there as my reputation was tarnished beyond repair. My old friends no longer wanted to associate with me. I think this is what I struggle with the most not being able to let people in due to my fear of getting hurt.

I have always been a sensitive person and my emotions get the better of me. In my early thirties I seek connection and community with others although I feel there is a piece of me missing and I am forever trying to find it to make myself whole again. I still struggle to connect with people on a personal level as I have reservations and fears from my youth. #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #Sadness #Guilt #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Shame #failure #redemption #Fear #clarity #Love #peace #Friends #relationship #Lettinggo #reuniting

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Everyday presents an opportunity to “innerstand” my fears, desires, dreams, triggers, and my self . . . and I choose daily to meet these moments with gratitude and a deep thirst for understanding and clarity so that I can continue to move forward with my life. As I am now re affirming and restablisheing my safety, my health, my confidence, my courage, and my resilience after going “no contact” after close to four years of narcissistic abuse, I gain so much insight with each night that I can sleep peacefully and dream. I gave up so much of what makes me happy to be with someone who only wanted to see me miserable and now I can truly enjoy the simplicity of the sunlight peaking in through my blinds in the morning after I wake up and tell myself “I am safe now.” With that so much has already begun to unfold in a short amount of time and I am seeing how truly magical this universe is.

Til Next Time
Sending You All Of My Love and Light
Big Hug

Leah 🖤

#Trauma #traumabonded #Healing #Hope #heart #Love #clarity #nocontact #Brave #courage #strength #diary #AbuseSurvivors #Abuse #CPTSD #PTSD #Anxiety #MightyPoets

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Holistic tips for the day

There are many ways you can get to feeling better. Sometimes it’s the simplest thing but it can be the hardest thing to do. Aim for at least one of these. #clarity #BrainFog #Health #Holistic


Am I wrong? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #clarity

I understand that my mental illness impacted my 17yr old daughter through the years but my mother is blaming for everything. My daughter is living with my mother since she didn't like the rules in our house so she left at 17. She's smoking weed, drinking, having unprotected sex and not addressing her mental illness at all. Of course, my mother told me today that it's all my fault, my fault she uses, my fault she's broken and dealing with so many mental illness issues. The problem I have is that I did all the same things and was finding ways to not have her do those things until my mother stepped in. I told her today that if I'm to blame for my daughter's issues then she's to blame for mine many years ago, which isn't true at all. The only thing my mother did was suffer from mental illness, she's never truly addressed, and not getting me the help I needed to address mine. Now my daughter is unmedicated, in no therapy, no psychiatrist but she's been diagnosed with mild psychosis, panic disorder, ptsd, severe depression and borderline personality disorder. I tried to talk to my mother about a post of my daughter smoking weed and as I said her response was its all my fault. Am I wrong and she's right? I know in my heart I'm right but it's truly taking all in me to not let my BPD mind runaway with the fear that I did cause all of that.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #clarity #Parenting #AmIWrong #bpdmind