AmIcrazy

I’ve been out to lunch w/friends and family here and there sitting outside,wearing masks except while eating, those dates have been fine.
However, I like most have been excited to get out and shop. (So tired of Amazon) Wondering if you have experienced this? I get into a department store , having a great time looking aimlessly at all the stupid things I don’t really need. I put a few things in my cart,or prepare to go in a fitting room obviously enjoying the outing … all of the sudden I’m looking around and I feel my heart racing ,then I begin to perspire to the point of feeling like everybody around me can see me freaking out 😵‍💫. I talk myself down off the “isolation pandemic PTSD cliff” by leaving immediately. I making no purchase. I calm myself down by getting to my car and playing some music… Has anybody else found it hard to get back “out there” around “it” meaning life?The only advantage to feeling this way is I save money on purchasing things that I honestly have no immediate need for 😉😉. I feel like I need to continue trying, but honestly it scares me a bit.Please share your thoughts, experiences, suggestions.
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I would LOVE any and all feedback, even if it's to tell me I'm crazy! I have had a very ... trying I guess you could say, last 2-3 years. During this time i started expressing that I thought I was seeing the same people and vehicles everywhere... now I understand if you take the same route and live in the same place for a period of time and have a pretty solid routine then if course, crazy, you'll see the same folks and vehicles are just copies of copies, there's so many out there. However to me, the instances where I would randomly and purposely go in circles... i still would see, or think I was seeing the same things. so when I began to tell people about it I was made fun of which hurt but they took it so far as to say I'm losing my mind, I've changed , I'm a danger to everyone and the worst of all they took my son, and this was my family... the family I built over almost a decade. I trusted them to help me not demonize me. I got him my son back but only after jumoing through... awful, inhuman, and completely soul crushing hoops... none involving actual help from a professional. Anyway, that was 2 years ago... for awhile I just quit talking and thinking about it... making witty jokes about things, but these things were me telling my truth to those I didn't feel were "safe" to tell, it's terrifying even now writting this. I know I need help. Last year is when I started associating everything and I really do mean EVERYTHING with myself and the beliefs ive carried begrudgingly and unwanted these past years. Random songs and videos, as well as people I speak with and encounter. It's hard to trust anyone ecause I always think they're "one of them" or are being used by "them". Sometimes I feel I'm being persuaded and brainwashed into making certain decisions or changing certain things about myself. Sometimes even threatened or bribed with things "they" would know I keep hidden or secret. At one point it was so bad I was so delusional and paranoid I thought there were microphones and cameras in my house... I thought my phone and everything I see or hear from it was controlled or atleast purposely changed or put in front of me by "them". Sometimes I consider it to be quite comforting, and other times I just feel insane and needing to be hospitalized. I've read after a traumatic experience or multiple your psyche will make up delusions as a protection, and to make sense of or give purpose to the traumatic experience. I wonder if I made "them" up while I was being abused to feel like even tho I didn't or couldn't say anything or report my abusers that others knew about it and would help me or atleast stand up for me in some way.... I don't know, anyone else? #Delusions #Trauma #Paranoia #PTSD #CPTSD #brokenbeliefs #fearful #willthisevergoaway #AmIcrazy #Depression #Anxiety #isthisreallife #trustissues #lietosurvive #amongmonsters #Family #betrayal #demonized

I am somebody yet I'm nobody at all. I want and strive to do so much but my body and mind do not get along very well. Some days I am sunshine, other days I am a tsunami. All of these days I feel pain. I can make everyone laugh and nobody knows how much it hurts. This mirror is a liar. Anxiety came back after I told her to stay gone the last time. I'm pretty sure she moved back in long term. I hate her. I want to check myself in somewhere....compared to this it would feel like vacation. But I don't deserve vacation. I need to go back to work. I finished school and I can't push anymore so everything has stopped. I feel pain. Everywhere but everyone needs me to keep going. It hurts. I wake up. It hurts. I get my kids to school. It hurts. I have so many things to do....I am laying down. I forgot to breath the past few minutes. Stop. Count to 30 and breath.....I have like 12 loads of laundry, we are out of milk, school just called daughter ran out of insulin, gotta run to school now....was that 30 seconds? Because I need to start over I forgot to breath again. Did I turn off the flat iron? I hope so because I didn't even do my hair. No time. I AM EXHAUSTED! I AM IN PAIN! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!#AmIcrazy #isthisnormal #thisiseveryday #

I'm new here, I joined because I need advice that nobody has been able to give me.
my medical professionals just tell me to stop smoking weed, they say and I quote. "stop smoking and you will find yourself to be alot less depressed" although I understand the science behind this, it is not the advice I need nor will it in any way help me, I've been smoking cannabis since I was 14 and I'm now 25, it's the only thing that helps if anything.
whenever things get too much, I self harm, small cuts along both arms until I feel like I can stop, not too deep that I sever something important, but deep enough to draw substantial amounts blood and cause pain.
it's almost like I lose control, I always ensure I steralize my blades and they are always fresh and never left lying around afterwards, I use tissue and a long sleeve jumper to his what I've been doing, as I feel my few friends I have would not in any way understand how im feeling.
like I have no control until I get to a certain point where it's like my conscience kicks in and reminds me, I have a son, I have a family and a life, then I just feel stupid for acting in such a way.
the thing I'm struggling to understand is why do I lose this control, and how do I regain control.... and why the hell does it feel like all of this is totally out of my own control.

I need to find something else that gives me that sense of release when things build up, as all this cutting of the arms and legs has left me with scars now that will never heal, and they're a constant reminder that I simply don't enjoy my life.

I have been this way since I was 16 years old .
is it okay to blame your parents for your mental health instability? is it okay to tell your mum that she is the reason you cannot rationally think?

my partner calls me out on it everyday, things like.... grow up, man up, you have a son you selfish fuck, you have more than most people, and I know this is true... I do have more than most people, however when people tell me this it just makes me feel even more so like I am a fool for acting this way.

25 years old, with a 6 year old boy who cannot look up to his father because of the way his father thinks.
people tell me... DO IT FOR YOUR SON.
Jesus I even say it to myself all the time, so why is it that I can think I need to make a change, but I am incapable of actually doing it.
#Selfharm #AmIcrazy

I withdrew from college and since I did that I can never go back! It was totally the right move. I was flailing and spiraling fast. Now I have to make money and be an adult. I have a job lined up. But I finally get to focus mostly on me and my mental health first instead of school first!! I’m still a little freaked out though. Anyone else withdraw? Any advice? Anyone wanna start a club? Lol

#medical #Anxiety #severe #Pain #AmIcrazy #MentalHealth

Tonight I felt an extremely intense rush of pain. My racing thoughts made me have a panic attack like one no other. My panic attack felt muted. They all feel like that, like so intense I can’t really do anything about it, in the moment or there is no way of getting a sense of relief. I continue to feel extremely unhelpful support from the ones who love me the most about my mental illnesses. It feels as if I will never meet someone who understands me and how I react and feel, and how much a “get over it” attitude doesn’t help. I really do feel like there is no one who will actually understand the thoughts that go on in my head, and how to ease my anxiety and physical pain from my anxiety. It really does feel like I am crazy sometimes when I’m snap or have a displacement episode, where I am typically blowing something out of proportion, on something that triggered my . A certain way something was used or treated, not in a way I would like. It’s sad because I feel this is all I will ever be, the sick man and I won’t ever change or get better. I have a problem controlling things that I can’t or have no control over and need to start worrying about myself. I’ve have scared myself so much into hiding, from so many bad relationships in my life, that I literally hate interacting with other people, even loved ones. I get sick from just seeing someone’s life and seeing how much I am disgusted with the way I handle things as an adult. I feel like I’m the stupidest person I know, and really can’t even leave my house to find a job or do errands or interact with people. I have problems with trusting people on how much of a heart I have and that others don’t have, or never will. I want to be understood. I want people to reassure me that they understand that I’m different and it’s not going to change and that they need to deal with it, and figure out how to support me in new ways that don’t make me feel more depressed. I need to feel like when explaining my crazy, random, anxious thoughts, that are a part of me, to not be shamed for experiencing these feelings I can’t even control. I want people to stop thinking this is just a phase and that I am faking my thoughts or feelings. I want someone to understand me that even though I might be more complicated than other human beings I’m worth getting to know. I want to have new relations. I want people to not give up on me so easily because they don’t understand mental illness. Mental illness might be one of the most under-looked and studied parts of humans beings and it sucks. It sucks so much.

I went out with a friend I haven’t seen in years. My husband(whom I am separated from), was home w the kids. When I came home, I asked him if he fed the dogs he got all snippy with me. Wtf?!

#Seriouslywhatdidido ? , #Gladwearedivorcing , #Keepingitcivilforthekids , #AmIcrazy ?