fearful

I can feel my depression creeping up again and concerned I’m slipping into another episode. And I don’t feel prepared for it.
#Depression #MajorDepression #fearful

Sitting in the car analyzing myself and pondering if I do indeed have the resolve needed to reprogram my brain to think #positively not #negatively . I try step outside myself and counsel myself. I can see clearly that there are negative #patterns that keep popping up in the way I #think . I assume condemnation every time I see an area where I am not obeying God. There are specific areas of wrongs sometimes perceived wrongs that I tend to come up more often…too often. Such as do not forsake the fellowship of the brethren. Another is not reading the Bible. I know my #OCD and #ADHD #Aspergers have made this a crippling challenge. However I can not rule out my own will completely.
This is where things become murky trying to figure out what is reasonable thought and what is illogical logic. This shouldn’t be so hard to figure out. Anything I do not do for a long time I become #fearful of doing. This is not uncommon for OCD and Aspergers if I’m not mistaken. Plus the enemy attacking me when I’m trying to fight my disease. This should be a good hint that any negative thought I’m dealing with is not true. Any thoughts on your part my brothers and sisters are welcome. God bless you all!

# distract me, #daily reflections and journal, #chronic pain, #Bipolar ,#Flashbacks , #fearful #Loss if my oldest brother for next 8 mos,## isolation ,
Self care today: eating , drinking water, walking, listening to sports on TV for a distraction, did few chores,got my wall calendar updated.
Now signing off.

My relationship has been strained for the last year. I have severe anxiety, depression, and OCD. This year has exacerbated all of it. My boyfriend (of 6 years) has tried to be supportive. He's tried kindness, tough love, even anger to try to snap me out of it. Today, he told me he doesn't recognize me anymore. He reminded me how I used to be so full of life, fearless. He says now I do three things: work, sleep, and slump in a chair playing on my phone. He isn't wrong. I know I'm mired under a pile of intrusive thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how to get myself out. I'm on antidepressants. I was in therapy until about a month ago when my therapist went off the deep end in a curse word filled tirade about liberals and trump (during my session). I'm looking for a new therapist, but it's difficult to find one. I just don't know what to do. I want more than anything to go back to that carefree, fearless girl I once was, but I don't know how to even begin. Any advice? Anything that's worked for you? I'm desperate. I'm scared of losing the love of my life just like I've lost myself. #Anxiety #Depression #lostself #LosingMyself #buriedunderthoughts #fearful

So much has happened this past year and just when you see a light at the end of the tunnel, life throws you a curveball.
I wonder... when is it going to get better? When is life going to stop screwing with me 😔

I hope I will find a place here to open up. I have only one person in my life and she lives far away and not able to visit. She is my mom.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #fearful #anxious, #rages #DependentPersonalityDisorder

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #fearful #anxious, #rages #DependentPersonalityDisorder

I would LOVE any and all feedback, even if it's to tell me I'm crazy! I have had a very ... trying I guess you could say, last 2-3 years. During this time i started expressing that I thought I was seeing the same people and vehicles everywhere... now I understand if you take the same route and live in the same place for a period of time and have a pretty solid routine then if course, crazy, you'll see the same folks and vehicles are just copies of copies, there's so many out there. However to me, the instances where I would randomly and purposely go in circles... i still would see, or think I was seeing the same things. so when I began to tell people about it I was made fun of which hurt but they took it so far as to say I'm losing my mind, I've changed , I'm a danger to everyone and the worst of all they took my son, and this was my family... the family I built over almost a decade. I trusted them to help me not demonize me. I got him my son back but only after jumoing through... awful, inhuman, and completely soul crushing hoops... none involving actual help from a professional. Anyway, that was 2 years ago... for awhile I just quit talking and thinking about it... making witty jokes about things, but these things were me telling my truth to those I didn't feel were "safe" to tell, it's terrifying even now writting this. I know I need help. Last year is when I started associating everything and I really do mean EVERYTHING with myself and the beliefs ive carried begrudgingly and unwanted these past years. Random songs and videos, as well as people I speak with and encounter. It's hard to trust anyone ecause I always think they're "one of them" or are being used by "them". Sometimes I feel I'm being persuaded and brainwashed into making certain decisions or changing certain things about myself. Sometimes even threatened or bribed with things "they" would know I keep hidden or secret. At one point it was so bad I was so delusional and paranoid I thought there were microphones and cameras in my house... I thought my phone and everything I see or hear from it was controlled or atleast purposely changed or put in front of me by "them". Sometimes I consider it to be quite comforting, and other times I just feel insane and needing to be hospitalized. I've read after a traumatic experience or multiple your psyche will make up delusions as a protection, and to make sense of or give purpose to the traumatic experience. I wonder if I made "them" up while I was being abused to feel like even tho I didn't or couldn't say anything or report my abusers that others knew about it and would help me or atleast stand up for me in some way.... I don't know, anyone else? #Delusions #Trauma #Paranoia #PTSD #CPTSD #brokenbeliefs #fearful #willthisevergoaway #AmIcrazy #Depression #Anxiety #isthisreallife #trustissues #lietosurvive #amongmonsters #Family #betrayal #demonized