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Confusion all the time.

My schizophrenia is not really scary like paraniod schizophrenia. Its just i see the world differently, too far away from reaity.

i don't have visual hallucinations only auditory. But I have visual hallucinations when I was first diagnosed.

It feels like my delusions mimics reality.

Like when it was still 1st December that I heard about pets at risk of dying during fireworks and intense noise during welcoming a new year. I felt worried and I believed that my dogs will definitely die. I saw it in my mind they are dropping dead.

Voices keep telling me to tell the people around you not do noisy things and force the if I have to. They tell me hurtful things like you are a worthless owner, that it will always be my fault if my dogs die.

But I have this feeling that this is something wrong.

You may say that I have the advantage because I am a bit aware during delusions.

But it is the opposite.

I was so confused. Is this real or not?

It is the worst battle ever.

It's so exhausting. I think this is not a delusion but suddenly I think it is a delusion.

My mind then started to be fragmented and during that anomaly my brain suddenly put another "story plot" that causes another rabbit holes of delusions then produce another confusion.

And then when I shared it with my mother suddenly I snapped back to reality.

I realized that my dogs will gonna be okay. I look back and saw how exaggerated that delusion is about my dogs death. I was too far away from reality.......

Then back to the rabbit hole of delusions and end up confused again.

#Schizophrenia #MentalIllness #Delusions #distortedreality #Hallucinations #OCD

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My father relapsed...hard. How can I help him through this? (super long, but needed to understand the context)

My father is 50 years old & has been dealing with substance & alcohol abuse since his early 20s.

He was able to kick his cocaine habit 19 years ago, but that's also when his drinking took on a whole new form.

When he's sober, he's a loving & kind man, proud to be a single father, creative & charismatic. He could easily befriend anyone & you'd find it difficult to point out a flaw. When he's drunk however, I shamefully admit that he is the worst person you could have the misfortune of coming across. He becomes aggressive, impulsive & chaotic. He spews nasty & hurtful insults towards everyone in the house as he stomps & stumbles back & forth through out, slamming some things while breaking others. He calls family members to insult us & them while proclaiming his greatness. If I didn't eventually learn how to keep my distance & block him out during his binges, I think we would've fought a lot more than we already have (yes, it's gotten so bad I had to literally fight him).

Thankfully, we have a very honest & profound relationship. We've talked several times about his childhood traumas, his ambitions, his failures, how these could be underlying causes for his alcoholism & how professional help could be a main tool for him to get sober.

These are conversations we've had since I was 10, but for some reason it only sparked something in him last year. He went from drinking all day everyday to not touching a single glass of alcohol. He started reading a new book every week, learning about & working on wood carving projects. He started budgeting his disability checks, saving up money & paying for driving classes to get his license back. He started caring about himself & his image. He was doing amazing, more than amazing, he was perfect. He was finally being the father & man I would cry & beg for as a child, but something happened.

I wasn't there, so I really am clueless as to exactly what went down & how, but he left with my grandmother to run errands & I stayed at home caring for my grandfather. Normally, the roles would be reversed, but since he had a driving class, we switched roles that day & I regret it so much.

He came back 2 hours later SHAKING with anger. He walked around in circles chain smoking cigarettes in the backyard, yelling about how my grandmother is ungrateful, incapable of loving, she's the devil, disgusts him, makes him sick, the list went on & on. I thought if I tried talking to him, he'd calm down but he would just turn on me instead. He yelled at me about how my grandmother said disgusting things about him, myself & our overall existence & relationship in this family. He then went to his kitchen, grabbed all items my grandmother ever bought & proceeded to throw them in the trash.

Mind you, he's completely sober up until now. Not a drop of alcohol.

The yelling & chain smoking cigarettes/walking in circles thing goes on for a while. I'm trying to talk him down still the whole time all of this is going on. He's ranting & ranting when he finishes with "then she doesn't want me to drink?! how?! HOW?!". I just stared at him, told him I loved him & though I know it's hard, it would mean the world to me if he didn't cave in & drink.

Big mistake.

"YOU THINK THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME? YOU REALLY THINK THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME?"

This is the first time in my 29 years of life that me telling my father something like this brought out hatred & rage. I can normally calm him down, give him a hug & he remembers that his daughter loves him & all is well.

He threw his cigarette on the ground, grabbed his bike & left. He came back hours later, completely intoxicated, drenched from the rain & you could smell him from a mile away.

This was 3 days ago & this whole situation has been on loop since. I found more than 7 empty bottles of red & port wine on our kitchen table today, where he insists they stay so "our family can have something to talk about". He's been stomping in & out of the house, slamming doors, spewing insults, the list goes on but none of these are what worries me.

He came in my room the 1st day, talking about leaving. He's done this before, so I thought he was just venting. After making sure he made it to bed at night, I relaxed & didn't think much of it... but he brought it up again the 2nd day, a lot & in more detail, though very broad & secretive with said details.

I've been really worried as to what "leaving" means to him, so even though he hates me right now, I've been trying to get him to talk about it.

He's super incoherent, so a lot of my attempts to talk are met with insults, a cold shoulder or non-related answers, most not even directed towards me but possible "spirits or people he may see"? (he hasn't said this himself, but his behaviour suggests he feels other people around him, as his speech & behaviour isn't that of someone talking to themselves, but to others).

He says he's "not disappearing to commit suicide, but he wants to be left alone to travel by bus & visit certain family friends", mentioning a family friend that actually lives a mere 15 minutes away, so it makes no sense. He's been sticking to this reason for the past 3 days, altering it slightly but I still don't have a good feeling about this. The only times he's approached me with some sort of coherency was to give me what's left of his money saying "it isn't much, so save it", telling me how & when he does certain household tasks & to remind me he "won't be a bother for much longer".

I've told my aunt (his sister) & she thinks it's another breakdown & he's acting out the way he normally does but something feels different to me, I don't know why.

Could anyone possibly give me any advice with this situation?

#Addiction #Alcoholism #Suicide #Depression #Delusions

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Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night or early morning in a panic because you have no idea where you are, whose house you are in, and who the people who live here are; and even though you tell yourself again and again that you're safe, it doesn't make a difference?
#Psychosis #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Delusions

3 reactions 3 comments
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What hallucinations / delusions / paranoid thoughts have you had before? #BipolarDisorder

What hallucinations / delusions / paranoid thoughts have your bipolar caused you to see / hear / experience in the past? I was recently diagnosed and want to know what kinds of things I might experience. So far, I’ve mostly heard about bipolar folk “experiencing” things related to religion or the government.
#BipolarDisorder #Hallucinations #Delusions #ParanoidThoughts

1 comment
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The doorbell rang

Fe fi fo fum the giant stomped
Then the doorbell rang
Fairies danced, and crickets sang
Something to sell by the Light of the Moon
All bottled up, and Shining, glittering like gold
A dizzy, spinning dancing to tune
To catch the eye, the ear, and mesmerize
Turn up the heartbeat, and raise the spirits
Lock you in it's fantasy, make you lose reality
The side effects are severe, and Fabintasy is nightmare in reality
You hit the ground, you look around, how had you not seen
The warning was there, but it was disguised, you see
The Rhythm and Melody, LED you away from where it lay
Mixed and mingled in words of romantic play
The lyrics and meanings lost as you danced along
All caught up in the Rhythm, and beat, and the melody
#BipolarDisorder #Mania #psycoticbreak #Paranoia #Delusions

5 comments
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Am I losing it? #CPTSD #Dissociation #Anxiety #Delusions #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder

Sorry for all the hashtags but I’m not quite sure what is going on with me. I have been given a few different diagnoses in the past (BPD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety) but none have really seemed to fit and attempted treatments have been unsuccessful and have sometimes made things worse. I have attempted suicide twice (around 15 years ago) and have been hospitalised three times (between 10 and fifteen years ago) but found being hospitalised extremely traumatic and frightening. I was told by a psychiatric nurse at the time that my suicide attempts were not genuine (they were) and that I was attention seeking and manipulative (I was tired and just wanted the pain to stop). I have been reluctant to engage with mental health services since but, last year, I was referred during a very difficult period. Partly as a result of Covid, pressure on services and my CPN being on sick leave, I have not had to deal with them much. I have been seeing a therapist independently every week for about a year and, although she does not believe in labels, she thinks that a long history of multiple traumas and dissociation are the cause of my difficulties and not BPD or Bipolar. We have been doing psychodynamic therapy involving IFS and the things that I have been experiencing most of my life make sense now in a way that they never have. I have been frightened to reveal too much to the MH team for fear that I may be hospitalised or medicated again. I have heard voices of parts ever since I can remember and losing time is a common occurrence. The work that I am doing with my therapist necessitates me communicating with parts and dealing with some pretty raw stuff and I have found my symptoms ramping up. In addition to voices and lost time, I have been feeling increasingly paranoid (not entirely without reason) and frightened. Although I know rationally that it can’t be happening, I feel that people are able to know what has happened and what I’m thinking. It feels like I am being stripped of protective layers and everyone can see me for what I am. I don’t like being around people. There have also been occasions where I have heard a particular word spoken by my therapist in one of my sessions and then, directly afterwards, seen or heard something related (e.g. the word “jigsaw” and a song with that word in the title plays on my music stream which has more than 1000 songs and is on shuffle, then I pass a small shop with jigsaws in the window and then my daughter brings one out to play with that evening). I tell myself that it is just coincidence and I am noticing it because of the context but I don’t entirely believe it.I don’t know whether or not to speak to the MH team. My CPN is still off and I don’t want to be accused of attention seeking. I am also frightened to speak because I don’t want to have to go into the traumas that provide context. At the same time, I know that what I’m feeling isn’t normal compared to other people. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks 🙏

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