avm

I used to have titles.Climbed the ladder from nametags to negotiating administrative benefit packages and without a degree. I started working young.The food industry was easy and titles were Cook or manager.in education, I never wanted to be a T.A.,that was earned and given over years of classroom hours.I had been in Early Childhood development for years,after classes.I ended in Behavior.Certifications,trainings all provided by NYS.Head Start and Early Intervention, when the school closed.Titles are for Academia and class climbers.Judgeful and shamefuls, in my opinion.If my name isnt sufficient and you need a title,I have one.I am an artist, a woman, a mother.I am not employeed.That does not negate my value or opinion.I once was employeed, for over forty years.I put in my time.my title now,shouldn't matter.
I am a person starting over, Trainee.

How are you? Are you happy?
Have you been sleeping and getting enough to eat?Are you at peace.
Have you met with your family?Has your spouse been helpful? Do you have enough support,emotionally? Are you going to therapy or any groups? Have you given yourself grace? Have you questioned your motives? Have you looked back or ahead? How do you feel after seeing the end of an era?How do you see change?Where would you like to be and how would it be different?

Today,was my wedding anniversary.it was not like the others.We have been apart for years.I went outside after begging and he threw in the towel before my Disability was approved.He thought I'd "be better" by now.I have an inoperable cerebral AVM that has been deconstructing for a couple years.I have some thing, that, does not, get better, just maintenance.He hates me for getting sick,not being able to bounce back I guess.I don't know.He literally has no care for me.I want to be cared for.is that wrong? Not coddled or babied but cared about,cared for.I stopped asking him for help.today I had to ask for money, talk about demeaning,I was beside myself, but I did it.I wish there were words that would help him understand, this is because of us.Not me, or my brain or the doctors, appointments or medications.it is Us.Am I waiting for a answer, no.A break, no.I have been in therapy for four years.If, he Is,Not, going to attend,what is my point in trying to rebuild? That,is my answer.it is not my job to teach someone what I am currently learning,is it? If I'm trying to navigate my own? I am going through it alone, still.He feels because he was physically here that I was not.I was, I am, alone in this.I have been, emotionally yes, spiritually no and that has been my grace to others.I am unable, myself to be there for some, I get the contradiction.But my spouse, it was brief and came with conditions from his mother.Not the anniversary I imagined.Tomorrow will be better Tomorrow is new and I will get through another week.

I have been disabled since 2003. An AVM ruptured in the back of my brain. I was 32 at the time and I'm 51 now. Long ago, I accepted what happened to me and everything I have to deal with for the rest of my life. It's not fun, but I can joke about my disabilities at this point in my life and I have learned how to incorporate them into my life. I found new interests and things I enjoy to keep my mental health positive.

Aging creates new challenges on top of what I already deal with. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea couple years ago, I had skin cancer, memory issues, and all the preventative medical exams someone my age needs.

I went and saw an ENT doctor because there is now an implant available to use instead of the machine and mask I have to wear every night. The doctor implied that I am borderline sleep apnea so he gave me some equipment to do a home sleep apnea test. I had to wear the rig in the picture. I was told that the best results come from sleeping on my back. This is extremely difficult for me, I sleep on my stomach to avoid having my head spin from laying in this position.

I took the doctor's advice and tried sleeping on my back. That didn't work out to well for me. I woke up 3 or 4 times during the night. I believe I stopped breathing because I woke up catching my breath and inhaling a lot of air. That doesn't happen when I sleep on my stomach. It scared the crap out of me and I finished the 3 night test on my stomach.

It really affirmed why I sleep on my stomach. My brain does not regulate some of the autonomic functions like breathing correctly.

I can't say what things I will have to deal with as I get older and I can't say that I will enjoy them, especially with the things I already deal with in my disability.

I will deal with any challenge as I always do. I accept the challenge and conquer it.

#avm #Disability #challenge #MentalHealth #Trauma #Aging #autonomicfunctions

I trusted the wrong person,again.This time,I knew but took a leap.I put it aside because I saw my similarities,again.Fate and fairy-tales,matched.Lies,
again.Not from me,me, told too much truth.There are always unanswered questions.I am learning again,I can not live this cycle,even if I wanted to.I wasn't like this before 2017.I've been told it is my environment,my dna mutations,chemistry,my past,my anxiety,my hypothyroidism,my AVM and my TBI.I have few bad days and I'm personally attacked for having an episode,being sick and not going anywhere.it isn't easy driving because of my meds.I am not that sick in the head,needy or a scared person.Others have a version of me that is beyond imagination and all hearsay.I was vulnerable because I wanted to be.I wasn't fooled or played.I was lied to.I felt each time.I was disappointed and relieved.it was never necessary.I expected a choice.I am easy prey.I trust too easy,when,I want to.People think I'm afraid or unaware.No,I see it,feel it and am a few steps ahead.I give people the space to be themselves.I won't question unless I feel it.I havent been wrong.Ive tried to explain it to the closest to me.Ive lived with the disfunction.I know munipulation.It is not necessary,if you know the other is going to actually be honest.I was looking for distance,time and healing.I am in the thick of my assessments.After being pulled back and forth,disrespected and challenged daily,I fell back into the same habits.I am feeling all the anger,mistrust and asking the same questions,again.I am going to keep getting stronger,wiser.I hope I dont remember.it was easy for them to forget.it is only one person.All of my best were thrown away.

Radical Acceptance...nope,not Im not there yet.I am with my employment situation but not the remaining baggage.Take accountability for what,being kept in the dark?Believing people who lie to my face and behind my back.Accept family treating you as a storyline.Sorry,no I do not accept it.I do not accept Dr.s lying or misrepresenting.I do not accept that my parent knew and never told.I won't accept being told everything is fine,when I can feel it is not.I will keep telling how I feel and I will keep asking g questions.Why and how,Im expected to face my own while others keep kicking me.And I am not playing victim.it is the sad truth.I have allowed people to lie and use me.I am too nieve.I want to think people are being honest,ecspecially when I've begged,begged, begged for honesty,they arent.I kept asking and still am given crumbs for responces. I can only be that with and for myself,from now on.I'm trying my hardest to think of others needs,but what does lying to me get anyone?

I rarely write anymore.My paranoia took that,as I reflect.I enjoy the contrast of color in the photo,the yellow,gold against the wood.I have been in over my head before with peices but these cant come quick enough.I spent days resenting the tools,having them.Days spent,fighting to focus without being distracted by,well a speck of dust.I am exhausted,physicallyand mentally.I know the other is relieved,I feel it.

I have hit a wall.I'm hanging on after a couple weeks of being hypo and hyper,not sleeping to oversleeping,overstepping, coordination or patience for myself or others.I know whats triggering it all,I am aware my actions and intentions are contradicting.I pushed those away who were beating me down.I am paranoid,delusional and angry,basically.This is how I imagine Im seen as.I have been completely open and forthcoming on ny diagnosis and it still puts the people I adore at a distance and lying to me.to see your entire support system as untrustworthy,is this self destructive or a breakthrough?The company you keep,as messed up as I am,but wont admit or see a need to improve and grow themselves.I feel defeated and alone.I feel foolish, for trusting all of them.As well,as aweful, sad and I still hear their criticism,daily.But now with reason.Do you ignore it or talk back.I could ask a million times why, answer will always be,because I let people treat me that way,I give them that benefit of doubt,always,even knowing I'm going to be hurt again.I am tired and shutting her down again.There isn't much left in me,for anyone.