avm

I have been recalling the beginning and I do, remember asking for time, patience and understanding, from my only girlfriend and friend. I was unpredictable, impulsive, destructive and under multiple medications. I did not want her children to see me that way.She, made the choice to not support me, turn on me.to be done, with me.
Her response was to dismiss and, attack me. I know I explained my health issues, my confusion and my history. My lowest point was met with hostility, disbelief and disregard. And the saddest part is, I knew prior, they felt animosity towards me.I knew she had already spent years trash talking me to anyone who'd listen.This is something, I am only now coming to terms with.First my own sisters, my own mother, then, my mother in law, then her.I put these women, on a fckn pedestal for years. Held them in high regard and respected them, defended them, talked them up to others. To know, I meant nothing,has caused a change, in how I view most women and I can't unsee it, now. Four years of therapist, explaining that its not me.Why should I give grace and a pass, to everyone, who trashed me, behind my back?? Why am I left holding their secrets, when they, disected mine? WHY? I lost everything, for telling my husband, the truth. He didn't care until, others cared. He hates his choices, his life, his, his, his.And blames me, my situation and my son, for everything. That is his, issue not mine to carry.Tells all but us, complains about all and will.I will say stop again and I will be made out to be the issue.My life will change when I am at peace with the actual truth. Everyone seems to expect that from me but not return the truth to me.Forcing it upon me, to figure out with crumbs, is destructive and cruel.I won't be put out or fostered, to others. I am phased out and cannot be phased back in.
I am a individual, a woman, not a fckn child or a charity case.Stop treating me like a cost, that your stuck with.Tell her, I know where to find her.I never understood why him, till I saw her for who, she truly is, and it all made sense.Yuck and throw up in my mouth type response.to judge me, from her perspective, that is what makes me giggle and realize how desperate she must be, to test me, to puposefully try to sabotage me.She will continue and time, will pay her ten fold.As it will return to all of them. The Intention and impact was hurtful, destructive and cruel. I was fighting for nothing. I know that now. I will fight for myself now. And I have no hidden agenda, everyone else seems to. I am well and I will continue, to watch the cards fall where the may. I am sad,for all of you,that felt you could not come, directly to me.

My son and husband have betrayed me beyond a couple times.And now, backtracking by munipulating and changing stories and narratives.Both trapped themselves today, outloud, setting the other up.Screwing eachother over, again.Pretending the other is unaware and in on it.Slick but stupid.The phone is only one thing.Involving him, thats saddest lesson forced on me.Im not longer holding space for anyone involved or seeking an outsider activity.They are all involved and Im alone, sick and trying, still, to fix the unfixable.It will be brought up, played and finished, by them.I will have nothing but knowing I tried everything for these two and they continue to cover the truth. No longer will I, put them first.I will treat them, how they treat me.I will finish painting and making my home, mine.no one else does any cleaning or maintaining.I am, the only one organizing, cleaning and trying to fix.I expect someone who sees the value and not only obstacles.Sad and reactive to this last game.It is ridiculous,pathetic and gross.Still.

I hadn't written in over three https://weeks.I felt https://it.Pausing was not by choice, my phone has been hacked for about two years, by my spouses family.im https://monitored.For their reputations https://safety.I never signed up for https://this.I wasn't told and thats a violation for me, https://major.All that has been implied, wrong and in https://vein.I knew and had to sit and https://watch.I will go back and find why, it is her doing, never was mine or his, all her.

The funny and ironic thing is, he is cheap but I am https://frugal.I will go without and he spends on himself, saying I buy cheap https://stuff.I buy https://necessity.He will not invest in his house and tells everyone I ruined https://it.He wont help me fix it, at https://all.But tells them, its https://me.Im ungrateful because I want more, worked and gave everything to us, I wanted a better https://future.And in https://writing.Thats when it became a https://problem.A will, my name on the house and reassurance for William.They, didnt want https://us.She didnt want me.
I did not,want other, people, over us, all his friends , his family, they want us, gone.His, avoidance,and uses, the house, as a excuse.it will be done, by https://me.He was doing this years before and now Im ruined, https://financially.That was his https://plan.He doesn't believe he did a thing wrong, still.

I have sat back and observed everything, now the narrative is My identity was stolen? Good one...Try my phone told me who! All their emails and phone numbers, everyone.
All the plotting, revenge from others, for him and oh all the lies, from a bitter old besty who has more to loose than me.
Ive been told. All of it, to make me leave and be quiet about my own life and https://experiences.I dont do people like that, like they https://do.But I can.

Am I, to now pretend? That this past year did not happen, like the two years prior? Just sweep it under the rug, again?Pretending no one hurt me is denial and destructive, to everything, I went through.my intention was and still is, to grow and find people, who want, to be part of my https://life.I am not surprised or fooled, by his, at all.
I am over it. I relive it, every couple of days.it is not worth my energy or emotion, chasing someone or a family who doesn't want to know truth or grow with open dialog https://communication.I am not going backwards for wanting the truth about the last https://year.I was phased out and now, a scramble to hide the truth, will not go https://well.I am not going to try to rebuild with petty jaded https://gossip.Let them talk, slander and imply.it is their norm and Im no longer playing, with fools. Same as years ago. They will never understand the damage and toll, this has taken on https://them.I will stand up for myself and my son, I will ask questions and search out, what happened.it is not helping him by hurting me and those who think otherwise, have been fooled, played and lied https://to.But I'll keep being, dumb and in dark, for their sake. I want nothing to do with anyone who sees nothing wrong with this https://situation.Played yourselves because Im proud of myself and no about of tar and feathers will change https://that.Take out a mirror, your perception of me, IS a reflection of https://you.And my perception is an awareness of https://me.Try it.

I haven't been able to greive,in the ways others have been https://granted.That was taken, from me, out of https://malice.I will never, understand, why an entire group of people, would do https://that.I have asked why, a million https://times.When others passed, I was also attacked with,anger, assumptions and contemp, for having emotions and feelings,and expressing https://them.Everybody else is allowed to talk, discuss, reflect but me, no.Nothing. I am nothing in that family, no one of value, no significance, to them, ever.
Why do other people monitor and dictate, HOW, someone else should, feel about death and loss.
I saw the dynamic and manufactured anger then, all that resentment towards me, for others gossip, between certain family members. And then they All fall silent when asked.
I have been away, getting therapy, finding peace and to now know, I am Still a topic of, toxic conversation, is as common today, as when I grew https://up.I hope those who excluded me purposefully know, it was calculated by them, for https://years.I watched them go after mine and then, they abandoned them, just as https://quick.The name calling, assumptions, backstabbing, lies, gossip, hearsay....that is them, that is why, I called them out and do not have relationships, with https://any.And they'd stutter, yell, deny and become meaner, https://everytime.Im used to these, family disfunctions and roles, all https://play.Just because there is a dollar,$$$ attached, doesnt change or lesson the https://dysfunction.Ive been addressing it, for too https://long.I am sad, for them and hurt by https://them.Imagine planning for something beautiful and it is tainted by mockery and https://lies.Those family dynamics, are going to backfire because the impact, is destructive and https://cruel.That circle, I though for my future, just imploded some more.to deliberately, take away, that grieving process, with others, is https://cruel.I waited, to reach out,because of fear, fear of being rejected again, by the ones who, I reached out to https://before.I know now, but it never makes it hurt less, no matter how old I https://get.I wanted to know my Son, would be taken in, loved and not used as a pawn, by others https://involved.Thats https://it.What is wrong with people? Seriously,never thought Id let more heartache in, but now,it doesn't go https://away.All of my fears, insecurities and pain, only confirmed,this past three https://years.Nothing https://more.Thank you, for showing me exactly what I already felt.no big mystery solved.Confirmed,dysfunction and destruction, from family.
I will no longer relive this pain brought on by them.

Have you ever, regretted a decision, to not quit, something?
I should have https://stayed.I should have bought https://it.I should have lived?I should have said...I have
Rejected truth and the obvious, to give space for a, third option, forth, fifth option.
To, not decide, to go with it, see where it goes, with intention and action, only.
What if it turns out.
To act on positive emotion, only.
With loving https://intention.But real this time. All perspectives.
I had done that.Waited, watched and yes, https://regretted.Saw the dependence, thought I was lost, gone, https://helpless.No point trying when I knew, it wasn't going to be addressed, ever.
You bringing, my past mistakes,back, to teach me some lesson.
You had no right, outing anyone, no one. I asked you to leave me alone. Who, has that right?Who does that?
To put myself, my son and others, again, on shame, is https://disgusting.We were, all, we had, at one https://point.Two people, who hurt us, over and over again.I'm ashamed of myself and, for others who felt they could not come directly to me and those who have been used.