abandonment

For those of you who deal with extreme sensitivity to rejection and anxiety as I do, please know that we are in good company.

Not only on earth, but even now in heaven, Jesus has and is experiencing rejection and abandonment.

On earth He experienced it from those who chose to deny His message, not to mention the very people who accepted Him but then encouraged His torture and death. He asked God to forgive the very same people that were at that time torturing and murdering Him. Lastly,His disciples abandoned Him when praying at Gethsemane and again out of fear as He hung on that cross.

Please know that we are not alone in our suffering. Jesus is suffering right along with us.

#Rejection #abandonment #Trauma #suffering #notalone #MightyTogether #TheMighty

I become so wrapped up in the #SexualAbuse I endured that only recently have I begun to acknowledge the #EmotionalAbuse I also endured. It's not uncommon for two types of abuse to occur at once and I definitely experienced that. The manipulation, gaslighting (especially) and dismissal of my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants have left me with scars. #PTSD is no fun to live with but I thought I got it from being sexually assaulted not realizing that the emotional abuse had a hand in its development.

As a result I suffer from low self esteem, over apologize, constantly wonder if people are mad at me, fear conflict and abandonment, doubt myself amongst other things. I often invalidate myself as well. I seek outward approval and validation and struggle with kindly to myself. I never realized that all these struggles were from the emotional abuse. I just always thought I was overly sensitive or something. I'll admit that I am also a people pleaser which is a trauma response. Either that or I freeze.

I never realized that #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder can be caused by abandonment even though one of the criteria for the disorder is a fear of abandonment. I was abandoned (physically) by a family member after coming forward about the sexual abuse. I remember feeling so alone, unloved, unwanted and scared. Until I started reading about the effects of abandonment I never realized the effects being physically abandoned had on me.

As I am learning more and more about emotional abuse, am naming it and am working to heal from it I can begin to move forward. Because I also experienced most of this abuse as a child, I suppose that's why I struggle as an adult. Now I am on a mission to find myself and heal myself.

Healing is not linear but by shifting my focus to something else I can heal that part of me. My question for you all is, how do I start healing from emotional abuse and childhood trauma? I have a therapist but how do I go about doing it myself? I have tried looking inwards but that brings up hard feelings (shame, guilt, anger, sadness and confusion to name a few). I intellectually know that the shame and guilt aren't mine to carry but something about being invalidated and being abused in that way makes it hard to not feel that way.

My hope for all of you is that if you are experiencing or did experience this type of abuse that you know it wasn't your fault. Someone chose to hurt you. I think my complexity comes in because it was family that abused me. As I posted earlier, the thoughts of the not so bad times gets in the way. The fact that the abuse wasn't occurring all the time makes it harder to heal. Just labeling it as abuse was hard.

I hope that you can get the help that you deserve whether that be professionally or from someone you love. I believe in you, thanks for believing in me. As always seek help if you need to. We are here for each other.

#PTSD #EmotionalAbuse #Toxic #Family #Childhoodtrauma #SexualAbuse #abandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I’m not going to go into the small details because I think unless you know both me and my friend J they don’t matter and I think the big story is going to be long enough but just know there’s lots of little extras. So J grew up really broke but now works in gold mines and does good and also doesn’t manage money good at all. I grew up not able to take any kind of holidays or vacations and because of my physical health I’m on disability and struggling financially. J decided that she wanted to go on a trip to the mountains, a 4-6 hour drive from my house depending on the route, and get a luxury hotel and eat luxury food and enjoy a couple days there. I kept asking if she was sure and repeatedly told her it wasn’t something I’d be able to afford or help pay for and she happily said it was her treat and she wanted to do it and that the money was only a few days of work for her. Skip to the drive and now it’s about 1.5 hours out and I ask her to check directions, she answered but I didn’t know if she was talking about directions or not so when I asked to confirm she got mad and told me I could check it myself if I didn’t believe her. I tried telling her multiple times that I just didn’t know what she was saying yes to but she wasn’t hearing it and just stared out her window ignoring me for a bit. Now cut 3 hours later and we’re both tired, it’s been 8.5 hours of driving, pulling over so she can smoke, and her opening alcohol and drinking in my car. She tells me to pull into the next town to figure out what’s going on, no problem. Next she decided that she didn’t want to drive the hour and a half to actually follow gps and get to the luxury hotel because when she said yes we were going the right way, we were actually supposed to turn and we would’ve been there right away but she read the map wrong, and says she’d rather get any hotel to not have to drive anymore. I asked her if she was sure because she had a 200$ deposit if she canceled the room plus the new one all for 90 extra minutes. She then started screaming at me to pop the trunk so she could get her suitcase, told me she was done with me, and went into the crappy motel and got herself a room and left me sitting alone in the car, 8 hours from home in another province. I sat there for half an hour scream ugly crying because I barely have the money for food for the month and now I had an empty tank of gas, a broken and tired body, one less friend, and I was still so lost. I finally drove away and she sent me a message later telling me how horrible I was for abandoning her in the middle of nowhere and for being a “super bitch for three hours”. So much happened in the car ride but really do little happened for her to decide to just leave and to leave me just sitting there, nothing that warranted that. I’ve had much bigger problems and fights with people without being so hurt by them. She was then trying to send me messages throwing me under the bus for just being a bad human being in general and for doing this to her when she was going to spend so much money on me. I never asked for her to spend money on me!!!! In fact I was more excited about her coming to hang out for a few days than I was about the stupid impromptu trip she planned. I had even told her prior, not all at once, that Tuesday next week is D-day for me because I can’t handle the medical or mental problems I live with daily. I obviously would never want that to change how someone treated me or for a friend to be fake because they know I’m suicidal but seriously, no one deserves this. No one deserves to have someone say “I’m done with you” after you drive over 8 hours for a trip they wanted. The only option I had was coming home. Gas for that was $100 and hotels around were all substantially more and I would have still had to pay gas too. #Suicide #Badfriends #Depression #abandonment

I’ll never understand why he did what he did to me.
I’ll never understand why she didn’t protect me.
I’ll never understand why she abandoned me.
I’ve been told that it’s better that way- not knowing.
I’ll never understand why I won’t get an apology or an explanation- I have given up trying.
I’ll never understand why they chose me.
I’ll never understand. But maybe that’s the point.
I’ll just never understand I guess.
And that’s okay.

#Abuse #PTSD #SexualAssault #SexualAbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse #abandonment #Poetry #Trauma

Does anyone else with #PTSD go through random bouts of crying? I spent some time earlier today shaking and crying thinking about the #SexualAbuse and #SexualAssault I went through. Afterwards, I felt a little better but very confused. Is this normal, to randomly cry? The reading I've been doing says yes but it makes me feel like I'm going backwards in my healing. Can anyone offer any advice?

I try to reflect on all that I've survived such as abuse and abandonment but that gets hard. It always triggers something. I appreciate all the help.

*Thanks to everyone that commented on may earlier post about severe depression. It warms my heart to see how people can come together and offer advice and support :)

#PTSD #Abuse #abusesurvivor #Selfharm Survivor #suicideattemptsurvivor #abandonment #checkin #help #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Cryingspells