Coping Through Father’s Day
My sis and I had tears at the end of the mass after the priest prayed for the dads and said the St Michael prayer. I wasn’t able to finish the prayer because I had tears and so did my sis. So, to cope, my sis looked at me and touched her imaginary mustache lol
#Grief #copingskills #Anxiety #CPTSD #abandonment
Grieving the loss of a person who is still alive…
Nowhere to go from here
I feel like sometimes I do overthink the obvious in certain situations to the point where it makes me sad and depressed. For example, I have this one friend who hardly ever makes time for me, because he’s always busy. Whenever I plan something for us to do like going to the movies, going for a walk in the park, or even go out somewhere to lunch, he would say would say something like “I’ll let you know when I’m free”. I’ve been waiting for weeks to hear from him to let me know when he’s free he never did. Another example when I call him he won’t answer, he would let it go straight to voicemail and then minutes later he sent me a text saying “ I’ll call you right back” or “ Give me a sec”, but never called me back. Sometimes I feel like he is using the “I’m busy” as an excuse to not spend time with me, but I have to understand that people have busy lives and I’m not always gonna be that person’s first priority. That person might be going through a lot with family, school and work for what it is. I’ve experienced disappointment and abandonment as a child and its the worst pain to ever go through as a child. I try my hardest to understand him, but my overthinking state of mind takes over and I’m really trying my hardest to get it under control but it’s hard. I just want it to stop.
This morning I was up very early, as typical for the night owl in me. I started thinking about something that happened about 5 years ago.
My older adult daughter was visiting us, we live many miles and states apart.
I knew I wanted to surprise her for her Birthday, I think? I really like giving gifts…I kind of pride myself on giving the perfect gift. I don’t know why. It’s been said that it’s one of the love languages.?
Anyway, a couple of weeks before her visit, I went to a ceramics place and I painted her cat Minerva, as a youngster. It was an extremely detailed plate, that I painted. It took me maybe 9 hours to complete.-I received notification from the store while my daughter was visiting, that the plate was ready after fireing.
I took my daughter to pick up the plate. She’d said that she really hoped I wasn’t giving her another “thing,” but I thought..this is unique, and the whole time I worried about her reaction.
While I was painting the plate, there was a nagging in the back of my mind, that nothing lasts forever.-Watch something happen to this plate! (I’m somewhat 6th sense..) At the time, I still felt had to complete the plate.
So, my daughter was super excited for the wonderful art work I gave her! We got home, to my house. She was holding the plate, which was wrapped, in paper, and a bag. She was holding it like a delicate flower. She was holding it like a treasure, outward, serving style, in both hands. I turned, after I opened the door to the house. She startled, and dropped the plate!
I was upset, obviously. I walked away..in shock. I went somewhere else. I did some deep breathing and tried to let go of the object, the art I created.
I came into my kitchen to find my daughter on the floor, crying. She was so very miserable, and so very sorry it broke.
I helped get her up. I hugged her. I tried to help alleviate what she was feeling. It was a gift after all, to do with, one wanted.-She told me she would glue all the pieces together.-I told her that if she chose to throw it out, I really, didn’t want to know about it…
Permanence. Nothing in life is permanent. It’s all moving, change, and fluid, and transcending,from one moment to the next, from one day, month, year, to the next. And, we’re all just temporary works of art. Admired for a time, remembered for a moment, then fleeting, then gone.. #FamilyAndFriends #Emotions #BreastCancer #Family #PTSD #abandonment
Greatest fear became reality
My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.
My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.
I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.
I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss
Some folks shouldn't be parents
The man that fathered me died a year ago.
When I was six years old he was my world.
When I was seven years old he was on his way to forgetting about me. No birthday month or holiday visits. I saw my dad 8 times that year.
At eight years old he came up with excuses to miss 22 of his bi weekly visits for the year. And instead of doing something with him, I was dropped off at grandma's house for these weekends. We spent zero time together. He wouldn't even sit for a meal (which grandma made enough for everyone). Of course my birthday and the holidays were completely forgotten.
At age 9 after a total of three weekends at grandma's house this man called to tell me he wasn't going to be around anymore because he was moving to another state.
I didn't know that this was called abandonment until 8 years ago.
I didn't realize how dissociated I was with reality.
I stopped caring about brushing my hair at age 7 - I can see it in pictures from that time.
I stopped caring about changing my clothes, they were dirty and often much too small.
I stopped wanting anything except to eat and watch TV. People became mean, the world became cold and I stopped trusting. Trusting is a requirement to build relationships. without it all relationships fail. I cannot trust people today because I "know in my heart" that all people will abandon me. If a child can be abandoned by his entire world how can he ever trust again?
I wish parents that behaved like this were guilty of a crime that required a life sentence
But instead society ignores the costs to the next generation and encourages parents to abandon their children and start new families.
A seven year old child should not know the words, daddy didn't pay child support so we can't afford new shoes, clothes or better food.
My dad died. His obituary didn't acknowledge me. I didn't exist.
And people wonder why I can't form relationships.
I understand why I dream of dying, being dead and never being born.
Today was my second day of therapy for my complex PTSD. En route I was in tears, then left in smiles. As a neglected/abandoned child, it is hard thinking logical since most of my irrational thoughts are formulated from biased fears.
One trait I need to work on is regulating my emotions. I will fixate, dwell, then spiral.
Today, I imagined a box with a lock large enough to hold all my problems and triggers. Then I imagined a trigger/hurt discussed during the sessions and putting it in the box. I closed my eyes and just felt the emotions and thoughts leaving my mind and entering my box to be locked away.
At home, when I am triggered, or sad, I am supposed to practice this. I honestly loved this practice.
This skill set will prevent hyper focusing on pain/trigger which naturally leads me to spiraling down emotionally. Instead of an emotional outburst, I calmly place my feelings in the box locked, then unlock it in therapy and discuss my emotions in a proper healing way.
I am very happy to have found this tool! As somebody who can spiral from strong emotions, this tool will help regulate my emotions, and deal with my issue in a safe way.
I am excited for my journey on strengthunf my emotional health!
I would love to know what has helped for others.
Sending love, light, and positivity. You are loved. #Childhoodneglect #abandonment #FearOfAbandonment #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #CPTSD #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Childhoodtrauma #lonely