Aging

I will be turning 60 years old in a few weeks. Since the beginning of the year, I have been feeling more like 80 or 90. I am more tired, sore and mental struggles. It is effecting my everyday life. I haven't been able to work an 8 hour shift for many months. I get physically and mentally exhausted after just after a couple of hours. Luckily, I have been able to work split shifts doing food delivers that I am able to make ends meet but it is difficult.

One issue that has been getting worse is focus and attention. I have a very active, logical mind. My mind is always analyzing, planning, thinking and replaying and is constantly running in the background. It's been happening as long as I can remember. I believe I have #ADHD but have never been diagnosed with it, even though I have always told my doctors this. Because my subconscious mind is so active and automatic, my focus shifts from conscious to subconscious. It doesn't matter what I am doing, driving, in a conversation, writing this article, etc. most of the time I am not aware that the focus has changed. I go into auto pilot. This makes things like multitasking almost impossible for me because with all the things going on in the background already, my mind is full and I become distracted or confused. I have tried meditation and yoga to discipline my mind and body but when it is quiet and without distractions my mind gets even more active and I can't refocus it.

The other thing that has been happening with my mind is it has been giving me false information. I'll give an example. I am driving to a location. I have the GPS directions on with it announcing turns along with a visual map. The voice tells me to turn when I get a certain point but my mind tells me to turn now. So, I turn and now I am on the wrong street and have to backtrack. Another example, I get 2 orders from the same restaurant for 2 different people. I keep them separate and note which one goes where. I get to the first location and my mind tells me to grab this order. So, I grab it and deliver it. It turns out to be the wrong one and I don't realize it until I get to the 2nd location and causes a big problem. Normally you would just look at the order and verify you have the right one. My mind was so sure I had the right one but it was wrong. I have been delivering food a long time. I know to double check these orders and maps but yet my mind is telling it is sure it is right, but it is wrong. Is this just my brain aging? Am I getting #AlzheimersDisease or #Dementia ? Is it some sort of degenerative brain disorder? I don't know but I am greatly concerned. I want to go to the doctor and get checked out but I have really crappy insurance that has a huge deductible I have to meet before it will pay for anything. So, I can't afford to see the doctor.

This is really getting the depression and anxiety worked up. I am really afraid that I am losing my mind. I don't want to end up homeless and in treatment again. The experience was horrible. I have been having suicidal thoughts again. No plans or wanting to act on them but I am really struggling financially and health wise. My quality of life is low and I am feeling like I have gotten everything out of life that I am going to get. Why continue? Again, these are the thoughts. No plans or want to act on them. But, that could change if I start feeling I have nothing left to live for. It sucks to be me right now.
#Depression #Anxiety #Aging #Dementia #ADHD #AlzheimersDisease #SuicidalThoughts

I just want to post the truth here, that none of my friends or coworkers know and my husband doesn't fully understand.

I had a damned meltdown yesterday Sunday Sept 29. I'm 64, dx with lung cancer in 2021, still on chemo, have develop occasional incontinence, balance problems, fell on Sept 10, was diagnosed with a ruptured L6, am trying to heal my back while working from home at a job I hate, (they dont know I've a fall, they may know I am now slurring my speech because I am answering the phone lines)

...and my C-PTSD is kicking because I haven't completed a weekly work report I was assigned at the end of August because no one has completed my Training on where to find all the data.

...and now I'm panicking waiting for this week's blowup via zoom meeting

... and now I have to go and find something to eat before work starts and cry a bit for release.

Damn sorry for this post

I've started having falls in the last 12 months. Last Tuesday was outside the house. I finally went to urgent care on Friday; they recommended a visit to ER for a CAT scan. Found a flattened L6 disc. No shards which is good. They said their focus is pain management right now

The pain is doable; my focus is not falling again and find exercise for knee strength and total body balance.

I'm also under chemo treatment for lung cancer (3 years since dx)

I have a chronic fear and mistrust of my body. When will that stop?

#Depression #Anxiety #Aging #Stress #Job
#HowYaDoing

I'm funked up. Too long to explain. Need to go back to work; cry break is over.

How yall doing?

Trying to sleep Friday night on the couch so I can cry. worried my body is failing and so is my cancer treatment. Muscles and joints are stiff. Feel like ive aged10 years in last 6 months. Tired, mentally and physically. If I keep going until AprilI am told I can retire with full medicl benefits. Supposedly. I do not trust HR or my retirement management group. I fear my job, medical plan,and health, all ending within the first 6 months of 2024

I am going to try and sleep.
Reading Howl's Moving Castle.
Identifying with the heroine Sophie, who was enchanted https://to.turn into an old woman.

Gnight

Watching our usual holiday movies gets harder each year since I was diagnosed with cancer. I realize most of our favorites involve someone dying of old age or illness or because of poverty. I'm now 64, 3 1/2 years into my diagnosis, and wanting to retire in the summer of 2024 because I can finally get retirement medical benefits. (We'll lose a lot of income, but this job is making my health worse--and I want days to devote to me, not this job that has stressed me for the last 10 years.)

Anyway,
My husband and I have collected DVDs of our favorite Christmas themed movies and over the weekends following Hallowen watch moviesand miniseries. The last 3 years, less so because I had weekend work orwas physically or emotionally tired.
And a lot of these movies have people dying. Or we look up favorite actorsand find out that they died. Often from old age or cancer--or both.
Just tired tonight. I've got one more week of work before Christmas break, with PET scan
on Thursday. (And a week's worth of worry over the holidays befor my oncology appointment on Jan 2.

My back is tired and I'm dehydrated. I'm going to listen to some BBC comedies until I can sleep.