Bereaved Mothers Day

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Mother’s last wishes (warning can be triggering)

So my mom passed last week. The week before she passed we were at the Drs office as they delivered the news that my mom had a few weeks left to live. My mom brought up my oldest brother and said I know that my brother didn’t rape you.
This was not a time or place I wanted to talk about it.

My mother and I never fully talked about what occurred with my brother when I was younger. My brother on more than one occasion was inappropriate with me as a child. I talked to him for most of my adulthood. A few years back I had flashbacks of the situations. Which I can see clearly as if they were yesterday. I decided it was too difficult for me to continue to act like nothing happened.

My mother basically wanted me to forgive my brother. Without knowing fully what the situations were. So my Mother on her deathbed wanted me to forgive and makeup with my brother.

I feel guilty as my mother has passed and I know that this would have made her so happy. Idk what to do. If I do it for my mom as it was her dying wish. Or stand strong and continue to feel guilty even thou I did nothing wrong.
#Mothers #BereavedMothersDay #mother #ChildAbuse #RapeSurvivors #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation

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May 10th, just a day

This used to be just another day
But really nothing's changed so it still sort of is in a way
It's been years a lifetime since she was my mother
But it's still hurtful she was taken away by another
Time may heal all wounds but when?
In 5 years, maybe in 12, will it be okay then?
The hurt that runs so very deep
Buried by so many secrets I keep
Can the heal even go that far within
Beyond the surface to what I keep so hidden
Another "What if"... the question that forever plagues my life
A path made dreary by taint and Strife
I don't really miss the moments that were real
They were distorted by him, so it's hard to even know what I feel
I guess I miss what I never knew
All the things I wish we'd gotten to do

All the things that never were and also never will be
All I have is the tortures that made me
So much we never got to see or say
because he made sure it would exist that way
Typical behavior of a narcissist
Just another check off on his hate list
Something most can't and don't understand
why I'm still stuck carrying the fallout of that wasteland
To the rest it was a single ugly memory and nothing more
But it was my whole memory so full I can't get shut the door
It was all I knew in my formative years
It doesn't wash off no matter how numerous the tears
The weight I'm forced to carry
More often overcomes me with dread and wary
But not yet have I lost this fight
even though the battle I face with fright

This day creates a storm that many must face
Comes from an often forgotten or darkened place
Somewhere deep under the hate
A hope pushes us to wait
To try and find a better day
Not cursed by pleasantries others feel inclined to say
To them it brings happiness and joy
while we're forced to pretend, an act, soley a decoy
Often not showing or saying what is actually felt
Sometimes too much, these dark cards that got dealt
Maybe even broken down to cry alone and hide
Find someone with whom to speak or choose no one with which to confide
So few can truly know
Why away from is tough to grow
Especially today, when it's hard, it hurts, and none can really see
Why I pretend, so that one day it may actually come true, that it's just another day to me.

#May10 #MothersDay #BereavedMothersDay


After Fourteen Years, My Mother's Death Still Haunts Me

The #Grief can be overwhelming this time of year. I miss her, so much, and I HATE being bombarded with corporate mandated propaganda, as much as I HATE seeing everyone celebrate their still living mothers. This essay I wrote and posted at my blog site elaborates more, raw and unapologetically:
#MothersDay #Depression #Loneliness #BereavedMothersDay #bereavement #Anxiety #anger

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I Miss My Mother Desperately and Wish She Was Here

My mother died from #Melanoma when I was 19, and I get especially bitter this time of year. But I do try to remember the better times with her, and work hard to avoid letting my #Depression and my #Grief get the best of me. I shared a very raw, rather negative essay yesterday, and wanted to share a more positive memory about my #mom today. Here's an essay I wrote last summer, on the anniversary of her passing, that I hope others will read and enjoy:
#MothersDay #bereavement #BereavedMothersDay