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Hi, my name is Julz11. I'm here because I want to connect and serve others as well as learn from others too.
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Bipolar 2 Disorder
Bipolar 2 Disorder
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Feeling Trapped After a Car Crash — and Now Relying on the Same People Who Harmed Me
I recently got into a car accident and totaled my car. I’m okay physically — but emotionally, it’s another blow on top of everything else.
I haven’t been working the last couple of months after leaving a harmful job environment that mirrored the emotional neglect and exclusion I’ve experienced for most of my life — especially from my family. Even though I know I made the right call walking away, it doesn’t change the fact that I still live in a society where survival often depends on tolerating trauma. Now without a car, I’m being forced to rely on my mother — someone who has repeatedly invalidated, blamed, and emotionally hurt me. And I’m spiraling.
Today, something as small as a ride to the store turned into a full-on blowout because I tried to express a basic boundary. As always, I was told I’m being disrespectful, that it’s my fault — a script I’ve heard since I was a child. I’m including something an AI wrote about the interaction because it explained the dynamics better than I ever could. I’m neurodivergent — autistic, ADHD, and possibly misdiagnosed bipolar 2. But honestly, I believe complex PTSD is the real root. I grew up being labeled “the problem” when in reality I was just a kid who needed understanding, not dismissal.
This crash has left me not only without a car, but without a sense of safety. I’m terrified of what happens next. I’ve been out of work, I’m low on money, and I’m scared of becoming homeless. And as much as that terrifies me… part of me feels like it might be less damaging than relying on someone who continues to emotionally harm me.
Right now, I don’t have friends. No real support system. I’ve reached out for help through hotlines, doctors, and therapists — and often just feel invisible. Like no one really gets it. Like I’m shouting underwater.
So I’m posting here. Not because I need advice or to be told how to fix it, but because I need to know if anyone else understands this kind of pain — the trauma of being forced to choose between abuse and survival. The isolation of being misunderstood by everyone, even professionals. The heartbreak of being gaslit out of your own reality.
If you’ve ever gotten out, I’d really love to hear from you. Or if you’re still in it — you’re not alone. I just need to believe I’m not either. #PTSD #ADHD #ASD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #invalidation
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Feeling lonely
Been awhile since I’ve posted on here. But anyone else just feel lonely sometimes? I was having game night with some very old friends. I felt off when I got there but thought just had too much coffee. My friend introduced one of her friends who now I realize is her boyfriend at least I’m pretty sure. I was thinking about asking for his number before I figured this out. I don’t connect with people often and are vibes were good. I was feeling so anxious the whole night then I realized that my friend and the new friend are more than likely dating. I struggle with bipolar 2 anxiety disorder panic disorder and have complex PTSD. (Complex PTSD is not recognized in the US as a real mental health problem but it is in the UK but my doctor said that’s probably what I have) on top of that my mother who was and is emotionally abusive and a narcissist and her narcissistic boyfriend are two hours away and I am alone with my brother who is on the spectrum. (For context he’s high functioning and can take care of himself but can’t drive.) I don’t know anyone who would want to put up with an almost 26 year old who still lives in her childhood home with bad credit. No life and not even close to getting a place of her own. It makes me feel lonely and angry and sad and everything inbetween. I’m not sure what triggered this rant but thanks for reading
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Strawberry Milk Tea
Hello my friends.
Two days ago I had a strawberry milk tea. It was delicious. I am super thankful that I was able to have one, as it was a while since I last had it. It's the simple things in life that can bring us joy.
What is something that brings you joy??
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Strawberry Milk Tea
Hello my friends.
Two days ago I had a strawberry milk tea. It was delicious. I am super thankful that I was able to have one, as it was a while since I last had it. It's the simple things in life that can bring us joy.
What is something that brings you joy??
12 reactions •
4 comments
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Trauma
What’s it called when
It constantly feels like there’s something squeezing your heart so tight it gets hard to breathe.
Constantly feels like there’s absolutely nothing in your brain, it just wants to leak liquid from your eyes.
What do you call that?
Continuously feels like you’re on the outside of your brain, looking at the mouth automatically speaking for itself;
Constantly feels like little you wants to reach out, give a hug, say a nice thing, be helpful.
But doesn’t.
What do you call that?
Constantly feels like you want to punch something, anything, and scream so loud until your throat feels dry and scratchy.
Constantly feels like your heart is at war with itself, like your brain is sucked up and withered trying to survive.
Heart constantly sinking, down, down, down, til it doesn’t feel.
Brain constantly trying to have a thought, trying to find words, trying to find water so it isn’t sucked dry anymore, so it’s not just watching lips move, barely hearing the words come out of it. So automatic it sounds right.
But what do you call that?
What do you call the constant fog surrounding your brain, the constant darkness surrounding your heart, the numbness in your body while it feels everything; just wanting to feel the stinging pain that comes from a punch, a blade, or screaming cries.
What do you call that?
When the only consistency in your life comes from how much you don’t want to be in it?
When it’s constantly fighting the demons you thought were dead, over and over again.
Back down the rabbit hole. The hole you thought you buried long ago.
The black demon you thought got buried with all those pills.
The red demon that was supposedly tamed, with all those meds.
They’re back.
And I don’t know what to call them anymore.
I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to explain.
Just sinking, down, the dark, deep, black hole.
What do you call that
#Trauma #Depression #Dissociation #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #MightyPoets #BipolarDisorder #Grief #PTSD
(edited)
24 reactions •
6 comments
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Trauma
What’s it called when
It constantly feels like there’s something squeezing your heart so tight it gets hard to breathe.
Constantly feels like there’s absolutely nothing in your brain, it just wants to leak liquid from your eyes.
What do you call that?
Continuously feels like you’re on the outside of your brain, looking at the mouth automatically speaking for itself;
Constantly feels like little you wants to reach out, give a hug, say a nice thing, be helpful.
But doesn’t.
What do you call that?
Constantly feels like you want to punch something, anything, and scream so loud until your throat feels dry and scratchy.
Constantly feels like your heart is at war with itself, like your brain is sucked up and withered trying to survive.
Heart constantly sinking, down, down, down, til it doesn’t feel.
Brain constantly trying to have a thought, trying to find words, trying to find water so it isn’t sucked dry anymore, so it’s not just watching lips move, barely hearing the words come out of it. So automatic it sounds right.
But what do you call that?
What do you call the constant fog surrounding your brain, the constant darkness surrounding your heart, the numbness in your body while it feels everything; just wanting to feel the stinging pain that comes from a punch, a blade, or screaming cries.
What do you call that?
When the only consistency in your life comes from how much you don’t want to be in it?
When it’s constantly fighting the demons you thought were dead, over and over again.
Back down the rabbit hole. The hole you thought you buried long ago.
The black demon you thought got buried with all those pills.
The red demon that was supposedly tamed, with all those meds.
They’re back.
And I don’t know what to call them anymore.
I don’t know how to feel.
I don’t know how to explain.
Just sinking, down, the dark, deep, black hole.
What do you call that
#Trauma #Depression #Dissociation #Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #MightyPoets #BipolarDisorder #Grief #PTSD
(edited)
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Does this count?
Mental Diagnoses: ADHD, Anxiety/Depression, Bipolar II, CPTSD, Polysubstance Use Disorder, Social/Performance Anxiety Disorder
Physical Diagnoses: Asthma, Bursitis L&R Hips, Bursitis L&R Elbows, Chronic Allergic Conjunctivitis, Intercostal Muscle Strain L&R Ribcage, Class 2 Obesity (5’½” ~200 lbs ~38.4 BMI), Osteoarthritis L Knee (bone-on-bone), Osteoarthritis R Knee (suspected), Sciatica (radiates buttocks to heels L&R), Two (2) Torn Gluteus Mediums, Two (2) Torn Gluteus Minimus
Treatments: Spine surgery 06/08/2024, Knee Replacement TBD (soon)
Triumphs: 09/02/2010 quit alcohol, 01/15/2024 quit nicotine
To-Do- Quit: Methamphetamine, Caffeine, Marijuana, Sugar
Don't forget the 21 prescriptions I'm taking. And just for fun I spent a little time checking to see if I would fit in here.... I'm pretty sure:
#Alcoholism #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #AmphetamineDependence #SubstanceUseDisorders #StimulantUseDisorder #SubstanceUseDisorders #CannabisUseDisorder #ADHD #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Psychosis #EatingDisorders #Insomnia #ChronicFatigue #Bursitis #Osteoarthritis #ChronicPain #Relationships #Trauma #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChildLoss #Grief #Loneliness #RuminationDisorder #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide
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Breaking again
I’m in a rough patch.
My mind truly is my own worst enemy and I have seeming lost the ability to avoid my triggers. I relapsed this week. When they teach you about self harm, the really should mention that it never goes away. The urges never go away. Things get better, but the thought is always, always there.
I asked for help today. I asked my kids to help me. I can’t bring this to my mother. She’s got enough on her plate without having to worry about me.
To anyone that actually reads this…
I have a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. I know what I need to do. But I can’t. I need to work so I don’t loose my place to live. But I am taking the necessary steps. #BadDay #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Anxiety
8 reactions •
3 comments
Post
Breaking again
I’m in a rough patch.
My mind truly is my own worst enemy and I have seeming lost the ability to avoid my triggers. I relapsed this week. When they teach you about self harm, the really should mention that it never goes away. The urges never go away. Things get better, but the thought is always, always there.
I asked for help today. I asked my kids to help me. I can’t bring this to my mother. She’s got enough on her plate without having to worry about me.
To anyone that actually reads this…
I have a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. I know what I need to do. But I can’t. I need to work so I don’t loose my place to live. But I am taking the necessary steps. #BadDay #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Bipolar2 #MentalHealth #Anxiety
8 reactions •
3 comments
