I dragged myself out of bed. Trying to really have better habits, trying to do ALL I can to get better. I meditated, went on for a long walk, I have a goal of at least 6 thousand steps per walks, did that, had bad thoughts all the way.
Back home I took a cold shower, and I am now here, eating something and saying if getting things out of my chest helps.
I long for community, but honestly I hate that my community is mental health issues, not to offend anyone, I wish my community would be something cool and up. But I am so lonely and I just don't belong there.
I have a fear. While I am doing much more than before, while I am having better habits, I am afraid nothing will ever bring me satisfaction.
I kinda gave up on "being happy", I don't think it exists. I learnt recently that life is hard, life is work. I believe we can be satisfied, but I know it won't come with money, sex, fanatism, owning belongings, owning nothing lol. It is the hardest mix, cause it is really within us, and it terrorizes me to feel I just don't have it in me and I will be sad even in "my best version".
Then, yes, suicide comes to mind. I don't want to do it, I think it is horrible to think myself as the path of my destruction, but it really is, even if I don't off myself, I think I will self destruct in the long run. It seems the natural progression.
Once the idea of reincarnation made me feel comfortable, now I really hope there is nothing after here, cause I just can't take it another round! #Depression #Bipolar2 #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts