bloggerthoughts

Just getting my thoughts down. I ended up writing this in third party as an observer. This could possibly be triggering or distressing. Please exercise discretion when reading and seek support if needed

#Depression #Grief #Dissociating #ChildLoss #LosingAChild #learningtocope #bloggerthoughts #copingwithadeath #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ComplicatedGrief #grievingmother #griefandguilt #Anxiety #MomGuilt

...

She grabs a pillow and hugs it. Holding it as if it were a baby. Holding and wishing it was her child. She curls herself around the pillow holding it tighter, tears now flowing freely down her face... Soon Her cries can be heard from outside. Her cries of anguish, despair, raw pain; her cries are a plea to have mercy and stop the pain. She places a hand over her heart and cries louder. Her heart is broken. The cires of a mother who has lost her whole world, is the most haunting sound.

She continues to cry, her throat raw from the cries, her eyes red and swollen. She lays there still holding the pillow. Wishing she could have her child in her arms. She continues to cry for hours but, eventually she falls asleep. Even as she sleeps tears flow from her eyes...

------
...
It's night everything has quiet down, she lays down hoping to get some rest. As she lays down her eyes tired from the crying earlier in the day. She is emotionally exhausted. Her mind though doesn't allow her to rest. Her mind runs through all her memories with her son. Her mind gives her doubt and guilt. Maybe she hadn't done enough, maybe she should have been more vigilant, maybe it was something she did, what a terrible mom she must have been. Her mind won't stop, she just wanted some rest. Now she tosses and turns trying to drown out the thoughts. She covers her ears, as to stop the "voices" tell her she wasn't good enough, telling her it's her fault, she was a terrible mother.

The guilt is eating at her day and night. She is exhausted, she doesn't know how much longer she can keep going...

I was once you.
Nice car.
A home.
Savings.
Name brand clothes.

I had the office. The title.

I did everything right.

And that's all you saw- what I brought to the table and could do for you.

Now. Here I am. Soul laid open, my struggles and perseverance for all to see and what are you worried about?

What you might have to do FOR me.

When did we stop SEEING people? When did we all become so selfish?

We shouldn't have to prove our worth like a resume.

Just remember when you are looking at me and worrying about things I can't control:

It could just as easily have been you.

#lupusawareness #LupusWarrior #Lupie #Lupus #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #CFS #AutoimmuneDisease #autoimmune #autoimmuneawareness #spoonielife #Spoonie #lupiechick #lupielife #lupussupport #lupusfacts #lupusfighter #blogger #bloggerthoughts #TheMighty #Lupus