bpdandsober

I started attending SLAA meetings (sex and love addicts anonymous) 8 months ago after I almost destroyed my life. It's been a hard, fucking hard road to get where I am. I was talking with a friend today about how we never hear from women about the sex addiction side of SLAA...I never share about it because I am so ashamed, I feel dirty and wrong. How much would I bet that others feel the same? I checked this out because the mighty has everything on it, and surprisingly nothing came up. So, here goes nothing. #sexandloveaddicts   #slaa #bpdandsober #BPD #Sobriety

I have been in DBT therapy since 2014. I did two rounds of DBT modules and was going to a new “graduate” group. I switched therapists on September 2019. I started going to her because I’d already known her from group therapy.

We had been having our sessions via Skype. This part Tuesday, I was in the middle of a crisis over an argument with my mom and started ranting. I was crying saying that sometimes I hate having to use skills all the time and overthinking everything to make sure I’m being assertive but somehow always end up being branded “the crazy one” because I’m the one who’s in therapy.
That’s when she got angry at me.

She stopped me middle rant and told me that she was going to end our session because I had just been disrespectful to her. I asked her to point me to the words I said that offended her because I was clueless. I told her I was ranting and that it wasn’t personal. I also told her that then I couldn’t be honest with her, which made her angrier.

Anyway, she made sure to tell me that all of her patients have BPD but that I’m the first one that she has to abruptly end the session. I hung up on her because I was sobbing by that moment and had to text my old therapist and explained everything. She told me to not feel bad about it and that it wasn’t my fault my I feel awful. I feel so inadequate. Not even therapists want to deal with me. *Sigh*

Anyway, thank you so much for reading me and I hope you have a 2021 full of health and happiness. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #DBT #Therapy #OCPD #Anxiety #bpdandsober

I’m so tired of having to restructure the way I think and remembering to be mindful.
So fucking tired.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #bpdandsober

She posts about how she only wants to be friends and the other she said give me space, I seriously don’t know what to do like I love this core to the very core of my being.....but it hurts.....it hurts so bad that she says and does those things please help #bpdandsober #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDPartners

I recently was diagnosed with PTSD, BPD and bi-polar one. I have been dealing with psych professionals for the last 15+ years. In that time I have been misdiagnosed and thusly in correctly medicated. The anti-depressants made me manic, the meds for the mania made me depressed etc. It has been like a hellacious carousel of misery. I told my psychologist for months my behavior was becoming more and more impulsive and self destructive, that I could see what I was doing and couldn’t stop and that this made me terrified. She signed me up for a group and called it good. In that time I lost my spot, job and almost my life on multiple occasions. I’ve been so manic I am hallucinating. I can’t sleep. She scheduled our appts 3 weeks apart. Then called to cancel. I called back the same day to reschedule. She got back to me weeks later to ask how I was doing. That was about a week ago. I sent her a respectful email stating how bad it has gotten. She is yet to reply. The mental health system in this country is appalling. If I were to go in an ER on a 5150 they would overmedicate me so I’m not an issue until they can release me at which time I’m no longer their problem.ive gone that route before. More times than I can count. I’ve tried to fight this battle with no insurance, medic-cal and good insurance but the results are the same regardless. This has to be what “hell” feels like. Screaming for help but no one that can help listens. The ones who listen are there to manipulate and hurt me for their own sick needs.
I had years clean but relapsed due to debilitating untreated mental illness. Scared that’s what’s going to happen again. I feel so alone. People without bpd don’t understand what this is like. The crushing emptiness of the cold feeling where my heart should be. I tried to meditate the other night and woke up to a demon standing over me. That was at 30+ days sober. The systems that were supposed to help me have hurt me the most.
I’ve been punished for my diagnosis my entire life. Sick of therapists laughing when I talk about the pain. They would have ptsd if they saw half the things I have. Sick of living in a nightmare. Everyone I truly have love for is on dope now. I got clean but my life didn’t get any better. I need help but I don’t know where to find it. I’ve tried AA, meditation, meds, spirituality, art, religion etc. it’s hard to have faith when you don’t have a reason to.

If anyone one knows a good way to help communicate with her or things I could do or say that would help me in my situation, I worry about her everything and send her good morning text and good nights and check ins if she ain’t anything, but she leave me on read like if she doesn’t care. #BPD #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #bpdandsober #bpddating #bpdchat #BPDPartners

It’s crazy how one day you feel so completely lost and numb and other days you feel everything so completely.

I suddenly find myself, 2 years sober, responsible for the elderly grandmother whose I life I jeopardized daily in my active drinking. I can't forgive myself.  And the self-hatred boils over.