I just need to vent. I am so overwhelmed lately. I have been in a really bad place since January, but the truth is that it all started long before that. Just certain things escalated it over the past year.
My anxiety/panic episodes have been really tough. I'm on meds but I struggle when depressed to remember to take them consistently which I know doesn't help.
I've been dealing with a slew of mystery symptoms. The worst is my tongue will start burning ( fits with #BurningMouthSyndrome symptoms . I had thought maybe #sjogrens - as I have other symptoms that fit that condition. But naturally when you want test results to give you answers, they come back "normal," and my rheumatoid panel and ANA were all normal. So my doctor is sending me to an ENT and honestly, I expect it to be a waste of time. But I've had about seven of these flares now, with the longest one lasted three weeks, since late September.
It has affected my sense of taste. Water tastes like soap. I was already having issues with water because I had gastric sleeve surgery last March ( 2018 and couldn't tolerate plain water but now it tasting like soap makes things even worse. Something as basic as brushing my teeth has become a nightmare. When I am dealing with bouts of #ClinicalDepression I find basic self-care (like oral hygiene) challenging enough. When my mouth hurts so much it keeps me awake (because I needed something else to fuck up my sleep) the last thing I want to do is brush my teeth. Add in that using mint flavored toothpaste became a problem when I could no longer drink plain water (I drink Crystal Light now - and I only like one flavor) because it means that drinking tastes bad... it's a clusterfuck. I finally was able to go to the dentist last week and I don't have any new decay but they warned me I have demineralization of multiple teeth. I also have several older fillings that I need replaced.
I have not been a very present friend. I find I want to be alone most of the time. Unlike past bouts of depression where that was a side effect, this time it's different. This time the isolation is something I actually feel like I need. I just do not have it in me to be the typical supportive, present friend I normally am - and I hate that because I don't want people to think I don't care about them or their problems. Which is part of the need for isolation. I barely have the psychic energy to handle my own shit right now, and I know I don't have it in me to help anyone else through theirs. That makes me feel selfish, but I think part of me withdrawing from my friends is to not be dumping MY stuff on them constantly when I can't support them in kind.
My husband is the only person I really want to interact with daily, and fortunately for me, he's very supportive and he's being patient through all of this. But I even feel badly for him and keep thinking he's going to reach a "limit" of some kind where he's had enough. That's the anxiety talking and I know it.