I've dealt with depression multiple times before, and I'd generally say I manage it quite well , I potentially have BPD too, but I function fairly well overall these days. In the past few months, I've recognised that I've been a bit lonely and withdrawn, but I actually felt pretty good , especially compared to a big depressive dip a few months back ...or at least I thought I did.
It's hard to explain. I don't know who I've been. I'm confused and questioning everything. It's foggy trying to think about how I've actually been acting or feeling day to day.
I've always had an active imagination and used daydreaming as a coping mechanism, for as long as I can remember , that part isn't new. But I think my inner monologue and my daydreaming have turned into something else now, something louder, more consuming, less like a coping tool and more like it's taking me over. That said, this isn't just about the daydreaming , it's part of a bigger picture where I feel like I've been acting like a different version of myself these past few weeks in ways I'm only now noticing, and it's affecting my relationships and my sense of who I am.
I'm anxious and paranoid that I'm losing touch. I've been crying a lot, multiple times privately, and finding it hard to act normal around people, scared of seeming weird, or that I'll suddenly lose it and start crying or have a panic attack in front of someone. Right now I feel like I'm fully breaking down, and it's scary.
This all came into focus last night while I was high, experiencing intense emotions and fear — I had a sudden realisation that I haven't been myself for the past few weeks. Even in the moment, I was aware it could just be the drugs talking, and I told myself to wait until I was sober before deciding how real it was. But now I'm sober and I still feel exactly the same. That's what's really scaring me — this isn't going away now the high has worn off, and this realisation, brand new as of last night, has put me into a scary, anxious, paranoid, panicky state I haven't been able to shake since.
I don't have anyone close by to talk this through with right now, which is part of why I'm posting here. I'm scared and I don't know how to put this into words for the people around me.
Any advice, similar experiences, or just a sanity check would help
#MentalHealth #Depression #CheckInWithMe
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