Childhoodabuseandneglect

I was abused up until age five. It was 11 years ago and i can't remember it all but it still affects how I live my everyday life and I feel like I'm holding onto the past. I still flinch when people raise their hands even slightly and I have PTSD major depression ADHD anxiety paranoia BPD and insomnia and sometimes I feel like I'm just being stupid holding onto it. People always tell me I was a kid but it still effects me... is that dumb #Depression #Childhoodabuseandneglect #ChildhoodAbuse #ChildAbuse #Anxiety #PTSD #BPD #Paranoia #Insomnia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ADHD

(CW/ TW: trauma, rape, abuse)
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... I didn’t think that one time in college counted as rape because I got out of the guy’s dorm room before there was penetration. Even though I repeatedly told him to stop touching and groping me when I was drunk in his dorm room.

... I didn’t think it counted as rape another time, years later, with another guy in his bed, when I woke up to him fingering me, because I didn’t tell him no when I realized what was going on. Even though I was unconscious when he started doing that.

... I didn’t think I was abused when I was 10 or 11 and my dad physically restrained me and covered my mouth with his hands to “shut me up.” Even though I panicked because I feared suffocation.

... I didn’t think I experienced emotional abuse because my parents never told me they didn’t love me or called me names. Even though they did ask me who I was “performing for” when I got upset, and mocked me and criticized me for “pushing the panic button,” for being “too sensitive” and “too emotional” and “carrying on.”

.. I didn’t think I had PTSD but instead thought I got anxious about “insignificant” things. Even though I’ve had insomnia since elementary school, and ever since I can remember I’ve been easily startled, with irritability and angry outbursts, have dreaded visits with my family of origin, and felt restless and keyed up and on edge at what seemed like random times but actually were times I felt trapped and/ or silenced.

... I didn’t realize these things because I was raised not to. Because my family and an entire culture needed me to think that what I felt was my fault, so that I wouldn’t disturb the status quo. Accurate labels destabilize entire systems. I wasn’t broken. The systems around me are.
#CPTSD #Childhoodabuseandneglect #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PTSD #rapeculture

Decreased mobility in past couple years, but sharp decrease after moving into RV four months ago... sit all day on uncomfortable seat and don’t leave because it’s hard to get out/down the steps and various other reasons. My feet are huge and I assumed it was just weight gain like everywhere else... but it’s definitely swelling and now it’s getting uncomfortable and a little scary.

Any suggestions other than exercise because that’s not going to happen anytime soon. TIA

#Fibromyalgia #Lupus #RheumatoidArthritis #ThyroidDisease #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Childhoodabuseandneglect #edema #Swelling