In general, I apologize all the time. At times it makes sense to say sorry - when I accidentally bump into someone, when I hear about something sad and tragic, when I make a mistake at work, when I am in the wrong of an argument. But most of the time, it's more like I'm apologizing for my existence. I wish I would stop. I recently realized that when I say sorry to my friends, it provides me some kind of fast temporary relief. As if my mind is telling me "If you throw in a quick apology at the end of your vent or rant, it will not seem to be as much for the other person" or somehow saying sorry will make me feel like I'm less of a pain in the ass.
Sometimes I think it is because despite that person being my friend, or someone who supports me, I still feel like I could be judged for my reactions. As if they are thinking that my reaction is out of proportion and they are annoyed or confused by me (I don't get why she's freaking out, this is a super small problem.) or maybe I am taking up their time (I have other stuff I need to do and she's holding me up.)
It's all frustratingly stupid. I shouldn't apologize for essentially being a human who needs support. I believe that's something that everyone needs and we are deserving of people who care and support us. If another person is present, if that person cares, they will not view you as a burden, nor would they expect you to apologize for taking up time. I think it's also a good way to gauge how much a person cares, to what extent they will go for you to be a support, and whether or not you should have them as a go-to person at times when you are more vulnerable.
I say all of this but I still struggle with it. In person, I have many impulses to apologize, especially when I'm emotional. I'm working on it. Even though in person I haven't really been able to stop myself from slipping an apology, where I'm currently at is being able to be a bit more aware in my text messages to people. When I sometimes just have a question to ask "Hey, sorry to bother you..." or after venting or ranting "Sorry for taking up your time, I know you're busy" or "I'm sorry, I know I'm overreacting". I press that backspace button several times and retype my question or statement.
Just like many other things in my life, it is a work in progress.
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